Counting Abraham's Stars

I'd Like to Thank God, Thank my Manager...

2007-11-09T02:13:00.000+11:00

Man I haven't blogged in ages... seems these days I lack the motivation. No, its not just the exams; it ought to be that but I know its not that only. Feels like everyone's got a plan, but all I want is to throw some big party and stay in the here and now. Not that this particular time is all too crash hot; no rest for me, not until Christmas I think what with this whole thesis. I should thank God that it is extended for as much a time as it has... never really gotten around to it though. Sour.

Glad to hear some traffic around here too. Its always nice to see that the words I write, or the pictures I post are being seen and read by people. To all of you: thanks! tag or no-tag, still muchly-appreciated! :)

So after this thorough discussion about my blogging habits, I shall launch into another thorough discussion about the concept of relativity...

Yeah right. Ha. Ha. Dry.

I must say though I am so grateful for this wonderful bunch of people that tolerate me on a day to day, week to week basis; to my family at home, my family away from home (all of you, you know who you are, I hope!), and even the people who made the library look like a social gathering (:D): really thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being tolerant of me, for caring, for loving, for that odd sms and even the calls, for the sweets and the cupcakes, the stickies and the slurpees, not to mention the bak ku te, for the couch to rest on and the floor to sleep on, and sometimes even the bed too, for the smile that takes away the pain even if its just for a while... where will I be this past year without all of you?

I hope this post finds you well, if you indeed do read it. Even if you don't, I'd say a prayer for all of you, but I'd not know where to start. Guess God knows... heh. Regardless, may you deepen your relationship with Him even more this coming holidays (yes, the exam period will end one!)!

Hmm, how did this post become my Grammy's winning speech? Feeling the sentimentality coming on I think after a round of listening to my beloved Eagles. Can never get enough of that Tequila Sunrise...

An Optical Answer

2007-10-15T12:26:00.000+10:00

Here is the answer for that other post... quite an interesting thing right?

Our eyes often deceive us. In this case, it was merely the perceived shadow on the blocks that made it look like different colours. Merely. It doesn't take much for us to be deceived. Where then can we rely on truth?

Sometimes, what we see is what we get. But most times, what we see is hardly anything to go by. Because we are all flawed. We are all blind to some extent.

Greatest Moments

2007-10-13T17:14:00.001+10:00

Perhaps the greatest moments in history and in human consciousness are the same moments that will be remembered for their supreme hardships, their incomprehensible atrocities, their utter hopelessness, and the type of enduring peoples that stuck up their noses and carried on through.

And only during such times are the acts of good men and women ever seen at the forefront. Only during trying times are heroes both named and unnamed emerge. It is only during these times that we are able to discern the righteous from the wicked, the upright and the liar.

It is during these times that we are able to see that indeed the Lord is good.

An Optical Question

2007-10-04T05:11:00.001+10:00

What do you all think of this? Do you think that A and B is different colours, or the same? Answer in a few days time. :)

Image taken from NASA Picture of the Day.

A Solar Eclipse

2007-10-04T04:45:00.001+10:00

This image is of a solar eclipse sometime in August 11, 1999. I can't remember where it said it occurred already, though I don't think it would be hard to track down where from records readily available on the net; like I said, solar eclipses are rare events, and even more rarer for a one like this; this sort is called a total solar eclipse, one of three types. Those red fringes are actually the corona (outer layer of the sun) that are usually not seen due to being blanketed by radiant light from the sun. Coronal loops flare up on the surface creating those flame like shapes. They are like tongues of fire shooting up from the surface of the sun at incredible speeds. The moon having blocked out most of the light allows us to see these emissions clearly.

Bear in mind that one should always have proper eye protections ready at hand if one wants to go observe a solar eclipse. At certain points during the eclipse, the light from the sun can still harm our eyes.

Hee, I sound like a regular astronomer... I wish... :)

*edit* I remembered where I'd gotten this image from: the image was originally taken in France, and I'd gotten it from good old wikipedia! hehe. However, I also know that it is in one of the picture of the day webpages from NASA.

A Lunar Eclipse

2007-10-04T04:38:00.001+10:00

This is a composite image of a lunar eclipse. The moon moves into the area where the earth's shadow (umbra) is, and gradually turns red due to refraction of light through the earth's atmosphere. I must say that I haven't had the privilege of watching a lunar eclipse unfold very often in my life. Probably only about three times over the past ten years? What I really want to see is a solar eclipse; rarer and much more dramatic. I have never seen a full solar eclipse before, only a partial one. And that was only once!

Brokeness

2007-09-27T14:53:00.000+10:00

Psalms 51:8 simply says:

Make me hear joy and gladness, that the bones You have broken may rejoice.

What else can one say? To rejoice in brokeness... what other philosophy on earth advocates total surrender? Yet it is so real. Not like the pretentous non-sense of self-help manuals, or even the ancient ways of Buddhism, superstitious beliefs of Taoism, or the self-righteousness of Islam.

I'd realise that in that last statement, I'd just blatantly smeared millions of people's beliefs. But I make no apology. The truth hurts, but it shall set you free.

That last quote, contrary to many secular beliefs, is a Christian principle. Oh man, the truth hurts.

When all the worshippers gather...

2007-09-05T12:27:00.000+10:00

At placement right this moment, and got time to kill. Which is a strange thought really as I would tend to feel that every waking moment is as precious as sapphires at this time of year. This weekend is going to be somewhat exciting and appears to be something that I can get passionate about; it seems like a long while since I'd had that feeling. Ministry day, or in this case, Worship Day, is normally meant for the introduction to the ministry for 'initiates'/newcomers. This time round its alittle more than just that.

It shall be a time of sowing, with the prospect of reaping in the future.

It shall be a time for the older to instruct the younger, part of building up.

It shall be a time when a fire is started and spread, so that things not of Him shall be burnt away leaving what is essential in its wake.

There is alot to be learnt about worship in a day, but worship is such a simple matter in some sense; we'd just like to think that it is so ever complicated. Pray for this day. Pray for revival.

Commentary on the last post

2007-09-04T22:25:00.000+10:00

shoot i realised suddenly that I can write!

man you'd wouldn't believe it but I churned that load out from last post in 10 minutes max. The little bit of emotional teary moment notwithstanding.

and its not like its total garbage and hobpotch of unintelligible nonsense that doesn't carry any meaningful story or message. It can rightfully be called alittle piece of literature I'd say. Maybe I'm just being pretentious. Preposterous.

Regardless, I'd meant every word of it. Including the part about suicide and controlling death. I'd being there. Sounds foolishly idealistic if you'd ask me now; a vain fantasy that amounts to little real value.

And even though every word of it rings true to me at this moment, I know its selfish to even think that this is the end of the world for me. God knows how many others go through the same pains and cry out to Him around the world in one milisecond. And He alone knows how many others go through alot worse. But to each his own I suppose; someone very wise once told me that thought the world may be worse off than you are, what you experience is just as valid and meaningful than everyone else, its just a matter of perspective. I was for awhile dumbfounded and an awkward silence ensued. But now I get it.

By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did; by faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; by faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family; by faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later recieve as his inheritance though he knew not at the time, obeyed and went; by faith Abraham, even though he was past age - and Sarah herself was barren - was enabled to become a father because he considerd Him faithful who had made the promise; the list goes on, but the point is all of them were still living by faith when they died. They did not recieve the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country - a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.

Each person here experienced different circumstances. No one can compare each. But to God they placed their lives and trusted. And God was well pleased, because they had faith. Strange that this last passage could very much have being about people I know today as opposed to people who were alive thousands of years ago. Yes its a passage in the Bible of all books... for some this may come as a surprise; its adapted from Hebrews 11.

We need faith in the lift engineerer whenever we use a lift; what's stopping us from having faith in the God who created the universe whenever we do life and life do us in? Its a simple paradigm shift. By faith...

What I'd thought it won't be...

2007-09-03T15:42:00.000+10:00

Most times people go through life thinking they've got it mapped out.

Yes, people structure life into segments. Of sweet sweet childhood, of teenage angsty years, of the turbulent young adult phase, of moving into working adult, middle age with all its assorted crisises, retirement. Then of course there is the all-out end of death, which we all so very much try to be prepared and planned for.

I mean, don't you? 'This is the time for getting a degree'. 'This is the time for finding a job and getting a salary'. blah blah blah. 'By the time I am 25 I must be married'. blah blah blah. The list goes on. And all the while we have this mental image of who we will be in 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 years time. As if we'd know for sure. As if that's how things should really be.

I've got a dream once. I dreamt that I would be an artist. I dreamt I would fill galleries of my charcoal paintings and sell them off one by one and make a living in some penthouse/studio like Issac Mendez. That was when I was 15. I did a most marvelous thing that year, and that is I was one of the few brilliant artists in my school who did a thing most charitable to an elderly home by putting up wall paintings and murals so that the folks living there won't just have drab walls to look at in their spare time (and believe me they had alot of spare time, much to their own surprise). I got that to point to when people say that I wouldn't make it as an artist. Added to that is the fact that I am the highest scoreholder in my class in Studio Art class. All the Art teachers know me, some of whom I was on first name basis with.

I thought that by the time I was 22 and out of uni after doing a wonderful Art course that I would come out ready to charge straight into a studio and churn out masterpieces. I thought that by the time I was 30 I'd own my own gallery. By the time I was 40 I'd get married and go on extended honeymoons. That by the time I was 50 I'd try my hand at controlling my own death and the way I'd go out by committing suicide or something in some suitably grand style for such a grand life.

What I'd thought it would be.

Truth is I'd never got into Art school. My folio wasn't enough by the time I was 17. My parents made me concentrate on the Math and the English. Art went out the window. I graduated with a high score but no dreams. I faced mountains (for a 17 year old) of decision-making the likes of which I wasn't really prepared for. What will I do now? And in all that confusion I just merely looked at what's available and chose Psychology coz it 'sounded suitably interesting' compared to say Commerce, and I didn't really know what Anthropology and Media studies and Creative Writing was all about.

And so I entered uni as a 1st year Psych student. I started dreaming that I would be a forensic psych one day, or some clinical neuropsych after getting a high score for that component in 1st year. I started to, as I did 2 years before, make plans. I would be in Honours by 21, finish Masters by 23, practice at a hospital for 5 or 6 building client base and move on to private practive by the time I was 30. I would marry someone somewhere along the line and life would be good. I'd own my own M5 and go for drives in the city. My family would retire in Queensland and I'd visit them every now and then. I would go overseas and work, maybe back to Hong Kong, or Singapore. Or maybe even the US.

Plans. How futile.

at 21 I was doing work in a warehouse, having missed the mark into Honours. Don't rightly know why. Someone else had similar scores than I yet I missed out. Life happens I suppose. Never worry as I can just adjust my plans one year back. Nothing to worry about. and indeed I got in the year after, having done nothing academic for one whole year I found myself accepted again. My career is not over. Not yet. See? All the planning came to fruition. I got up and went in early for everything; I met up with my supervisor earlier than others, I went to seminars and got to know a couple of people as contacts, I went away and did my readings. I was eager to start. I was eager to show all of them who I am.

What I'd thought it won't be.

Who's to blame for the timetabling error that set me back three weeks of useful work? I missed the first three weeks of lectures. Who's to blame for the ridiculous amount of time spent behind the wheel travelling from one campus to another, and then to home? Who's to blame for my misunderstanding my supervisor and reading up too broadly for two weeks and having that work turn up useless? Who's to blame for my own family life, where suddenly I am the man of the house and I got this whole list of other priorities on my mind? Who's to blame that I was born incapable of multi-tasking and having a pre-disposition for ill organisation of time and tasks?

And now I stand at the threshold of yet another failure of my plans. I stand at the threshold of seeing life as I'd thought it won't be. Who's to know, right? Hah.

Don't take pity on me. There is nothing to be pitiful about. Life just happens. And there is nothing we mere mortals can do about it. What's new under the sun? History Boys had a brilliant quote for this: "Told'ya, history is just one bloody thing after another.".

Cougher

2007-08-01T01:49:00.000+10:00

A wracking cough threatens to take away a good night sleep, and possibly my voice (for the second time in a month). I have being sick, physically, but I suspect, also sick in other ways...

1.52am. Man. And to think I have a long day ahead of me...

For......

2007-08-01T01:04:00.000+10:00

Wasn't this just like last time,
When I'd felt like the bell and chime,
Rocking about to the beat of
Another's emo mind.

I don't want to feel
I don't want to hurt
I don't want no tears
To fall upon the dirt.

Take this cup away from me,
O so sweet though it may be.
Sometimes things in life
Are better left to be.

Yet I just can't live without
This miry drink of doubt,
I keep seeing things not there
Perhaps its just thin air.

Unto Hope I will cling
Should just sit and wait awhile.
Time may come when all things sing
Of the beauty yet to come.

***

A little poem to an unaware special little someone.

Untitled

2007-07-28T15:56:00.000+10:00

Long have I looked upon those barren shores
To search for a glimmer of hope restored.
I tarry upon eaves of billowing sand
Trodding a path through this abomi'ble land.
I sense a warmth burning deep within
It carries me onwards, a promise therein.
May God plot a course that I may run
To find that lost treasure I would have won.

Here by the seashore in all its rocky darkness
A feeling of rage just freshly departed.
I ponder the wrongs that I may have done
And offer up repentance for that which I've done.
Maybe if I were to show more humility
I might see a way out of this calamity.
How I long for that rest of peace
To drive away this sickness, and leave me be.

Firm Foundations and the other stuff on top

2007-07-28T15:47:00.000+10:00

Just when things look up, things goes down again. That's how it is when things get shaken, yes? I have being on a roller-coaster since the beginning of this year, and frankly, I am getting tired of the same old loops and bumps and freefallings that comes along the way.

No more, please. What can be shaken off should be off by now, right? And whatever that is left over... I don't really know if its good or not anymore.

God burns away the outer layers and reveals to me what I truly am within. And the revelation scares me.

Transformation comes from conviction. Conviction is from the inside out. I don't want to be a surface-changer anymore. I want hard substantial change. I want my life to be upside down, and for me to have a transformation from conviction. That is the true meaning of Romans 12. I guess once again I learnt it the hard way. Typical.

I hope one day I can say for sure, knowing that it is truly in my heart, that I love God, love family, love friends, love enemies, love ministry. I pray that this day will not be far away.

Backbone

2007-07-12T14:12:00.000+10:00

Have I changed?
Is the Cross really as powerful as people make it out to be?
Who was I before I came to the Cross?
Who am I now?

All I can say is that maybe the Cross have given me a backbone.

But I still make for a lousy witness. If so, I may as well be back on that broad highway.

Hosanna

2007-07-11T18:25:00.000+10:00

Today I realised something.

Within all is three things forever dwelling.
A desire to lead a meaningful life.
A wish to be surrounded by those we love.
A hope that one will not end up losing what we have.

Some would see old age as the anti-thesis to all of the above.
In fact, why else do we fawn so when it comes to aging?
We see age as the gradual painless (for the most part) poison that slowly robs us of these three things.
Our life becomes meaningless.
Those we love either die, or move away.
We lose the things that mean so much because we no longer are able to keep them.

I see this every week. I see these souls dwelling in the awkward 8' by 8' hospital beds, staring into space with not a thought in their minds, their hearts numb from the isolation, their bodies slowly passing away. I see hopelessness in their eyes. I hear voices breaking as if they haven't being used in years. I feel their passing of days, weeks, months without reprieve, until those figures no longer mean anything anymore. Their worlds slowly falling apart, bit by bit, right below their frail feet.

Then One amongst many stood tall. She was a little old lady of a rather bouncy sort. There is nothing in the world that can distinguish her from the rest. She too had ailments. She too has being slowly losing her world. But she worn a radiance upon her face that shone as clear as noonday, even when she battled with a chronic pain in her leg. She alone amongst many had a smile that still melts men's hearts. And upon her breast she worn the Cross.

What can I say?

Praise God.

Hosanna

Three Paragraphs Starting With S

2007-07-10T23:39:00.000+10:00

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. Well, maybe no one is reading anymore, so I am merely saying this to myself. I don't know. Its being quite a confusing ride over the course of the last couple of months. I once remarked to a group of people that it was akin to a ride through a rollercoaster complete with all its miraculous ups and demoralising downs. Left me with a profound sense of misguidedness. I don't really know what to think anymore.

Sucks when all the world seems to be steaming through and my own ship just lost its main mast with the impending storm coming. What seems to make matters worse is that the mast has being down for a long time and I just never bothered to repair it. C hit the nail right on the head when he wrote about being ready and preparing for the storm. I simply didn't. Another lesson learnt the hard way I suppose. A certain someone by the name of 'I' had me down on the spot: she described me as a person who only learns from mistakes. Harsh. Truth.

So what new heights of insights did I gleam from this three paragraphs of self-pity and self-criticism? Possible nothing of substance. Sometimes I ask myself am I depressed, and all I can think of is maybe. Why though? Why would I be depressed? I thought my troubles started with lack of God. But now I am not so sure. Maybe its more like I lack the faith the believe in Him fully. Believe that my future lies in His capable hands. Yes, maybe that's it. That's exactly what I said three weeks ago with the lack of God thing. But Yes, I think I hit it right this time.

Faith is like seeing

2007-06-21T19:31:00.000+10:00

They say that i can move the mountains
and send them falling to the sea
they say that i can walk on water
if i would follow and believe
with Faith Like a Child

***

Since mine eyes have looked on Jesus,
I’ve lost sight of all beside,
So enchained my spirit’s vision,
Gazing on the Crucified.

not happy jus

2007-06-16T16:09:00.000+10:00

This is bad...i got a ticket to mental limbo where all one can see when they look out the windows of the train carriage are Sigma symbols, scatterplots, regression lines, and bouncing chi-square tables! Not to mention that one will only enter the endless matrix of factor analysis that is so lovingly known as FA. They have robbed me of my football and replaced it with a bleeding MANOVA!!! Man over board; I wanna jump train.

Well, I guess since I am already half way through, may as well go through with it I suppose...

Take care all you lovelies. I may not be coming back. Not this person anyways.

wow thats it??

2007-06-16T16:07:00.000+10:00

after an absence of countless weeks this is all i could come up with?! a bleeding emo scale?!?!?!

my goodness statistics is bad for mental and creative health.

die statistics!

Emo scale

2007-06-16T15:59:00.000+10:00

[ ] i like skinny jeans
[x] music is my life.
[x] i write poetry/song lyrics
[x] my hair covers part of my face. (or i wish)
[ ] i wear band shirts.
[ ] i know who Jeffree Star is.
[x] i wear/wore Converse.
[ ] i wear/wore vans
[ ] i wear/have worn eyeliner.
[ ] I listen to Saves The Day, Chiodos, Thursday and/or Gym Class Heroes.

Total: 4

[x] I'm/was in a band.
[ ] my Multiply screen name has an x in it
[x] I understand that My Chemical Romance is not emo
[x] I also understand that Green Day is not emo
[x] I know what mosh means.
[ ] I sit in corners often
[ ] I dislike MTV
[x] I take pictures of myself a lot
[ ] Especially ones when you can't see my whole face

Total: 5

[x] I'm lost without a CD player/MP3 player/ IPod
[x] I know that emo is not just a stereotype
[ ] I have/had thick rimmed glasses
[ ] I have/had issues with bi/gay people
[ ] I hate the president
[ ] I have/had a mohawk
[ ] I wear/have worn black nail polish
[ ] I hate my mom
[ ] I hate my dad
[ ] I hate where i live
[x] Black is a great color
[ ] I do/have cut myself

Total: 3

[x] Right now, I am listening to music
[ ] I know what hxc and sxe mean
[ ] Multiply=love
[ ] Hot Topic doesn't scare me
[ ] I wear/have worn studded belts
[ ] I have/had a body part signed by a band
[ ] I've cried while listening to Dashboard Confessional
[ ] For Guys: I have kissed another guy
[ ] For girls: I have worn skinny jeans
[ ] I have/had dyed my hair black
[x] My closet is mostly filled with black or dark clothes
[ ] I cry a lot
[ ] I write on myself
[x] I have been called emo before
[ ] I've done drugs before
[ ] I listen to undiscovered bands

Total: 3

Total the totals
Times your overall by 3 and that is how emo you are
Post this as: I am___ % emo

I am 45% emo

Does not smell like emo spirit... for once!

2007-05-13T01:31:00.000+10:00

Hmm I realised that recently I have being excessively emo. Looking back over the past few posts, I saw quite a number of "smells like emo spirit". I like that tagline. Its like Nirvana all over again, only this time in the emo era; a bit of Carrabba mixed in with Cobain. For the uninitiated, that's the lead singer in Dashboard and Nirvana respectively. Alright, enough music nerdiness.

There was a time when I thought I would use this blog to post some nice pretty pictures of stars and galaxies. Or space objects in our own solar system: kinda like this one. The thing I love about this asteroid, which is essentially a lump of supersize rock floating around in space, is the crater marks all over it. Imagine this giant rock, its face searing wherever the sunlight touches like a clothes iron held too long on a shirt, and the extreme cold of the shadow gripping upon its dark side, hails of tiny metals crashing upon its once smooth bore surface as it moves through a belt of asteroids.

I love it because it speaks so much about our own lifes. I love it because it mirrors us going through our own little trials, our moments of extremes in both passion and ignorance, our failures, our scars, our endless wandering in search of meaning. It presents a show of strength in its sheer size as a facade, but is vulnerable as the craters testify. Sometimes, that is what we do as well. We walk around with a mask on our faces, our demenour veiled, our tongues censored. We walk as if we were in someone else's shoes, someone we want to be, someone we feel we ought to be. And sometimes, we even kid ourselves and believe it to be true. Is that why we have problems? Would we not have problems if we just live and not lie to ourselves? Would it all be well if we just believe that we are valued just the way we are, and we are not forgotten and insignificant in a world of so many people?

The asteroid continues its journey.

Thick

2007-05-12T18:44:00.000+10:00

The air was thick with fog this day; it was thick with heaviness as well, feeling tired and dreary.

***

Dunno really what to write.... just feel like blabbing a while because I can't think of anything to say in my review. What's with this year? It feels like I have made a big wrong/erroneous decision, one after the other.

Nevermind. The rhythm of the world beats on. A monotonous, single syllabic chord.

Error: no title.

2007-05-08T02:22:00.000+10:00

Something prompts me to write again. Yes I should sleep. But I just want to write sometimes. Sleep makes me a writer. Thank God I didn't become a writer by profession!

The western night sky never looked more solemn. The night lights burn, lined up row by row along the ground all the way to the horizon, sending shafts of yellow and red reaching up into the dark heavens. They quickly disappear into that blackness, lost in the vast, moonless sky.

I sit with a million and one thoughts in my head; the events of the past three days made certain of that. None that are coherent. Maybe I will just sit and wait. And continue to type rubbish until it comes.

Maybe I will sleep on it. Will ideas hatch like a chicken from an egg when sat on by the hen?

Diana Krall at the End of the Rollercoaster

2007-05-08T01:42:00.000+10:00

Diana Krall music somehow seems to sooth the soul for an emo day. As M so brilliantly summed up this day, it has being one big roller coaster ride. Now strapped to my seat at the end of the ride still savouring every turn, bump, drop and climb, figuring out which parts was the most spectacular in order to document and store away deep within the recesses of my mind, I find myself lost in the melodic swirl of her songs. Her voice seems to echo about as it enters my ears, and reverberates through my whole being; every heartbeat in time with the kick and the snare.

There is nothing less ordinary about humble beginnings. Though one would come in to a rollercoaster ride with full expectations of leaving feeling queasy or excited, this day was totally unexpected. Its like being asleep and suddenly waking up to the feeling of being pulled along in a carriage up the steep rails to the top. I woke up feeling like any other morning, tired, full of resentment of having to wake up early despite lack of sleep. I stumbled out of the house with an apple in hand, car keys in the other, and an hour and half of travel to campus ahead.

A lazy seminar later and I was in Seasons sleeping away the ache in my head, my car audio seeming like a lullaby. I woke up to a message from T, and soon was receiving messages from different people as well. A chance meeting with T, a driving lesson or so with M, a movie worth of funny romance stories later and soon the day was half spent, and it had being dreary and slack. The climb to the top has finally being done; now the descent begins.

First was S. S seemed distant and unusually tame, before a torrent of emotion broke out, catching both M and I totally off-guard. I stood transfixed, holding a bottle of coke, jam and nutella in a plastic bag, waiting by the side in the shadows as the two held on to each other. I could hardly fix a thought; all I could do was stand and look away respectfully.

Second was the drive to dinner. The circumstances of S brought to mind my own little three day old circumstance. It brought to mind the end of a dream, a selfish dream. My world came to a halt; deadlines and traffic lights seems to fade away leaving behind only the imagined husk of what I thought would have being. The feeling is emptiness.

Third was a most unexpected sort of call. Y is in hospital, and now surgery is in the works. It might not be serious, but neither is it trivial.

Fourth was another unexpected call, though not for me. It rocked the world for my host, and immediately brought things back to square one. Now comes the time for reminders, and some hard soul-searching.

Yes vague. But vague is good. I once heard someone said that the only reason why shower doors are blurred glass and not just solid opaque doors is because the vagueness accentuated the figure of whoever was inside... yes a little wrong, but yet it made so much sense. Indeed, vagueness is good because it does not block knowledge and recognition of whatever is there, but at the same time provides discrete and interesting disclosure to others who are willing to look. It makes for better storytelling than just total disclosure anyways. As Capote said once: women looked so much better with clothes on.

Okay, enough with the crazy latenight innuendo. I think it prudent for me to go sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

When Reality Hits

2007-04-16T19:17:00.000+10:00

If only you could lift me upon eagle's wings...

The murmur of passing momentaries
Fills the echoing chambers of my audioscape.
I could, just might, grasping, able to make out words,
But in the end I just tune right out.
It is not real, but yet it is.
It is as real as the fingers on my hand.
But what cannot be seen seems more real.
Whispers of unreality, thin willowing veils,
Wraps willfully around me.
Is anything real anymore?
What is it that I see? I see
A blank wall with no beginning
Sheer white nothingness
Stands, obstructing, retarding.

God help me, ye breaker of strongholds.

Morning Daydreams

2007-04-11T13:02:00.000+10:00

Sometimes, when the windows of my room becomes fogged up from the morning dew, and the water droplets, collecting weight, roll down ever so slowly, forming snaking water trails across the glass, I feel a chill run up my spine. The blur of the outside world shines through the dew, and it looks for all the world like I was awake in a dream. Is this world that I gaze at real?

Its the tiny details. Its the splash of colour on each single drop of water. Its the chill I feel emanating from the glass itself. Its the air in my room tastes a little musky from having the door closed all night. Its the sound of larks which I might have wished were nightingales.

I find myself just staring, my mind awander in the misty colours. I see myself walking through this field of blurry colours, exploring every nook and crany, finding many things, wondrous similitudes hidden beneath this fabric of seeming-reality. What else can I find?

Always, though, my morning daydream would be broken at the sound of the alarm clock, preset to screech at the appointed time. Darn.

At the Foot of the Cross

2007-04-10T12:55:00.000+10:00

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Come in to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the Cross...

Such beautiful lyrics. Speaks to the heart of the wonderful place known as Calvary. It is at the Cross that we are cleased and made new, but it is also from there that we enter into a whole new life.

Let's live that life to the full, with remembrance of the sacrifice our Lord has made in order to make it all possible for us in the first place, but not to dwell here any longer. God has called us to bigger and greater things than this.

Amen

A Heart of Life

2007-04-02T12:02:00.000+10:00

I hate to see you cry

Lying there in that position

There's things you need to hear

So turn off your tears

And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

No it won't all go the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new

Bad news never had good timing

But, then your circle of friends

Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

No it won't all go the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

Fear is a friend who's misunderstood

But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

- John Mayer, 'The Heart of Life' from 'Continuum'

Its a sign when all I can blog is...

2007-03-26T13:05:00.000+10:00

Can't focus. Can't focus. Can't focus.

Mind wander. Mind wander. Mind wander.

Sian.

I A Procrastinator

2007-03-26T00:20:00.000+10:00

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

A Nano later...

2007-03-25T23:06:00.000+10:00

So now I am a proud owner of my very own iPod nano. What now?

Plug it into my brand new car stereo of course!

Bit by bit I will connect everything and soon my boombox will be blaring as I boom along the highways!

I'd say more...

2007-03-20T21:11:00.000+11:00

I'd say more, but I'd only be saying nothing.
I'd show more, but I'd only be showing a lie.
I'd do more, but I'd only be doing less.
Nothing I say or do or show off
Could ever compare to Your Grace.

Blogger in a Warehouse

2007-03-19T15:38:00.000+11:00

And what do you know? Here I am spamming blog posts after a long period of inactivity. The cycle of my blogging life. I missed blogging, even if it had only being a couple of weeks; it seems I am getting that itch again and want to scratch it as often as possible. So here I am, tapping away happily while work has nothing to do for now. Until probably in only another ten minutes anyways; I am waiting for the Post Office truck to arrive so I can start loading it with cages of cardboard boxes filled with various goodies ready to be dispersed to the suspecting Australian public.

I know. Dry as hell. Dry. Very dry indeed. Totally boring. I am such a loner in the warehouse. Everyone gone and here I am blogging. My forklift sits beside me like a loyal hound. The cages rattle outside in the breeze. The radio blasting "The lips of an angel". The musky dry smell of dust fills my nostrils and makes me lick my dried up lips. Somehow all this sitting around doing nothing is draining and I find my butt a bit sore and my back a little stiff. A flourish of typing and looking around and now Gwen Stefani chimes a tune "well I could be sweet...". Thus rolls the life of a blogger in a warehouse.

Emo Songs

2007-03-19T15:30:00.000+11:00

OH MAN. just as I posted that last post, up comes an emo song on the radio! Its super nice....

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

The Fray. "How to save a life"

I also just realised that I haven't blogged in a long while. Well, if anyone reads they would know also right. I don't know, everytime I don't blog is usually because I am feeling down and out of it, or I am feeling antisocial. I guess that's it.

Good Report: For a change

2007-03-19T15:26:00.000+11:00

I love it when I can speak a good report. I don't know when was it last that I can say with a mighty degree of certainty that something good has occurred. Maybe I am just being very melodramatic once again. Should really stop listening to emo music for a while; lay off that emo stuff and embrace some 'life' music as if my life depended on it and I need to hold on harder than ever for a change.

Good report: oh yes, that's right, Worship Day was a blast. Thank you God for your graciousness, thank you God for leading each of us. I am so excited.

Acts 20:24: "None of these things move me, nor do I count my life dear to myself"

2007-03-04T21:11:00.000+11:00

It is easier to serve or work for God without a vision and without a call, because then you are not bothered by what He requires. Common sense, covered with a layer of Christian emotion, becomes your guide. You may be more prosperous and successful from the world’s perspective, and will have more leisure time, if you never acknowledge the call of God. But once you receive a commission from Jesus Christ, the memory of what God asks of you will always be there to prod you on to do His will. You will no longer be able to work for Him on the basis of common sense.

What do I count in my life as "dear to myself"? If I have not been seized by Jesus Christ and have not surrendered myself to Him, I will consider the time I decide to give God and my own ideas of service as dear. I will also consider my own life as "dear to myself." But Paul said he considered his life dear so that he might fulfill the ministry he had received, and he refused to use his energy on anything else. This verse shows an almost noble annoyance by Paul at being asked to consider himself. He was absolutely indifferent to any consideration other than that of fulfilling the ministry he had received. Our ordinary and reasonable service to God may actually compete against our total surrender to Him. Our reasonable work is based on the following argument which we say to ourselves, "Remember how useful you are here, and think how much value you would be in that particular type of work." That attitude chooses our own judgment, instead of Jesus Christ, to be our guide as to where we should go and where we could be used the most. Never consider whether or not you are of use— but always consider that "you are not your own" ( 1 Corinthians 6:19 ). You are His.

- My Utmost for His Highest: March 4th, 2007

Wonderful

2007-03-03T19:17:00.000+11:00

hey, aint life wonderful? wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... isnt it wonderful
Now?

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope its over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when youre little
And the worlds so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that its all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends wont know
When the bell rings I just dont wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I dont believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when youre little
And the world is so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I dont wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna meet your friends
And I dont wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now...

I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now...

Are we all living a lie? Is this really all there is to life? To freedom?

Perhaps a Bit more Bitter than Sweet

2007-02-28T01:50:00.000+11:00

The failings of the past did not matter. The uncertain future did not matter. As the doors slid shut, nothing mattered. All that mattered was beyond that which could be seen now. In that instant, I knew that one thing has ended, but yet another is spread out before me ready to begin. It is indeed something different, something that could be difficult, but ultimately, I am sure and assured that nothing can be more worth it.

To you: goodbyes are bittersweet, perhaps a bit more bitter than sweet, but I shall also say that
goodbyes are not forever.

None But Jesus

2007-02-26T19:53:00.000+11:00

In the quiet
In the stillness I know
That you are God
In the secret
Of Your presence i know
There I am restored.

When You call i won't refuse
Each new day again I chose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos
In confusion I know
Your sovereign still
In the moment
Of my weakness You give
Your grace to do Your will

When You call I won't refuse
Each new day again I chose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord
Forevermore

What is one second to you?

2007-02-16T18:30:00.000+11:00

Inspiration came at the flourish of the second hand, and in that instant I had an answer. One second was all it seemed to have took, but I knew better; it had to take a lot more than mere reaction and spur-of-the-moment thought. They say that insight is the result of first taking in a question, a brief moment of conscious thought, followed by an extended period of subconscious incubation, leading finally to the moment where the insight or inspiration suddenly emerges back into conscious thought. But yet, somehow, that doesn't seem to be how it had happened either.

All it took was one second: one moment where the world no longer seem to matter. A slightest instance when the Truth confronts me and I was blown away. Microsecond? Nanosecond? It was like a crack on the timeline; a seemingly random occurance that suddenly splits the present from the past. When my mind had finally registered exactly what changes had occurred as a result of that moment, it had been well past five or six months; the reality of being a Christian hits home, even though changes had been occurring throughout that inteval time. No longer was my mouth full of curses and foulness, no longer was my vision of the future covered and blurred, no longer did life seem as empty as a milk carton on a saturaday morning, the dreariness had gone away.

One second that changes life as I knew it. Yes, I am sure that was all the time that it took.

Meant to Live

2007-02-15T14:23:00.001+11:00

I feel like screaming. The weight presses down. The air itself is suffocating. There is no place to go, no room to move. There is only the illusion of eternity, and the stifling heat of dread, forever locked in some prison of fear and uncertainty. No... I was meant to live for so much more...

Love beyond reason

2007-02-11T22:48:00.000+11:00

Something about revival, and the continual, unfailing, undying love of God fills me with the most utmost disgust of myself; me, this wretched creature prone to bouts of sinfulness and rebellion, yet at the same time full of awe and love for this most wonderful and marvelous of saviours: the Saviour, Lord of lords, King of kings. I don't know how to put it exactly, but I do think that sometimes, I abuse the grace freely given to me, if ever there was a way fo abusing something that is supposed to be unlimited, covering everything. Sometimes, the thought of God withdrawing forever such a gift fills me with dread, and gives me cold sweat in the middle of the night, when my rebelling mind would come to rest and contemplate on the day's actions; evaluating oh ever so much more evaluation. I would come to the conclusion that God has limited patience, that He will eventually get so tired of rescuing me from myself that He would just give up and leave me to Satan.

But yet somehow, I also know that my God does not lose to the Devil. He does not 'give up' on anybody because to do so would mean He admits defeat at the hands of His own creation. No my God is all-powerful, and none who contends with Him shall succeed. No defeat in this case only occurs because I myself have given up; I myself have let myself down, not God. No matter how deep a downward spiral I go down, somehow this truth still stays afloat for me to see, and be reminded of the absolute love beyond all reason, the love that is all that I need. That love which caused the father to wait on the lost son day and night, without rest, without ever giving up hope of one day seeing him again. Each time this truth would light up even as I step into the most dire and most lowest and darkest part of my own private hell in my head; even when I am in Sheol, God's love penetrates, and lifts me up out of that darkness and into the light, just as Jonah was vomited out of the big fish.

Why would God do that? I have no clue...
I have indeed:
"Found love, beyond all reason..."

Shrooomm...................

2007-02-06T13:29:00.000+11:00

coz i'm leaving...on a jet plane...
but iknow that I will be back SOON...

Leaving Hong Kong soon, but I know I will be back soon. Well, if things goes well, and I manage to go to W's wedding that is. but I even if I don't, I know I will probably be back by the end of the year. haiz, my cousins would be another year older, but other than that, nothing much would change here. Just the same old memories; long ago ones, the blurry vividness type.

Will miss it once again...

A Challenge

2007-02-06T00:59:00.000+11:00

To Set the captives free
To Break Bondages
To Find those who are Lost
To Bring Light to the Dark
To Herald the coming of our Lord
To Bring nations to Christ
To LOVE

Amen

Cancer of the Mind

2007-02-06T00:57:00.000+11:00

Ideas sometimes just appear from seemingly no source. Ideas for all forms of craziness, all forms of nastiness, all forms of sweetness, all forms of charity. But where did they all come from? Just as soon as I turn and address them they would flee and be gone; none seems capable of tarrying longer than it takes for me to I tie them down.

To me it seems as if they were cancers, great menacing tumors that sprout out from nothing. Maybe thats what ideas are, tumors of the mind. There are those who lived in history who had diseases of the mind, yet their brilliance is unmatched in their generation. Great minds like Stephen Hawking, and Albert Einstein. Not to say that one needs brain tumours or MND to be brilliant, but one cannot deny that there is always something a bit abnormal in the minds of those who bring something unseen before to the world.

Maybe to change the world requires something abnormal, something ab-human...

Go for God

2007-02-05T22:26:00.000+11:00

Yesterday I visited an English speaking congregation reaching out to all English speakers in HKSAR. The name of this church is called The Vine Christian Fellowship. Its congregation consists mostly of English speaking Chinese, some born locally, while others born overseas. There are some Africans, Americans, British ex-pats, and other foreigners who call HKSAR home.

The church is led by two senior pastors and their wives: Tony and Drusilla Read, and John and Sandra Snelgrove. They have been in Hong Kong since the 80s. I've met John and Sandra during Hillsong conferrence last year, and though yesterday I didn't get a chance to say hi, I saw their congregation.

I visited their 6pm service. Asking around, I found out that this church has probably been around for 6-7 years now, and now has about 700 people. They have three services on Sunday, a vibrate youth group for teenagers, and an amazing young adult group known as One-Eighty. I visited One-Eighty on saturday, but didn't have the time to stay for long, but what I saw was a group of passionate post-teen young people who are absolutely for Jesus, and loves each other as well as visitors like me. I spoke with four people in their reception area which they call 'the lounge', where it is a culture for people to 'hang out' immediately after the service. Most of the worship team members also attend One-Eighty, and this church has just recently released a live recording of their own songs!

They had being doing Reinhard Bonnke's "Full Flame" series of sermons, and had being doing so since the beginning of this year. This year is the year where they as a congregation are going to "go for God". Though I only caught a glimpse of what that means, I do get the feeling that this church is going to step up its effort in leading people to Christ. Apart from the push in evangelism, it is also going to step up in its effort to make firm disciples of Christ. They have printed personal journals for everyone in the church, as part of going through the entire Bible together this coming year.

Leaving the church, I got a distinct feeling that this is sort of what OCF should be like. Indeed, as I explained it to my aunty, this church is like an enlarged version of what OCF can become. Let me be as bold to say that this is what OCF will be, if only God is allowed to work through the lives of faithful people willing to just "go for God". This church, like OCF, can be said to 'cater' for a niche group in a strictly economic sense. Just as English speakers in Hong Kong are a small part of the whole population, so too is OCF whose mission is to reach the University campus' through out Australia, with an emphasis on overseas students. Just as this church is pre-dominantly young people who are passionate for God, so too is OCF. But I believe that OCFers in general needs to be even more passionate than we already are, and take up our Cross like our Lord. Each of us needs to rise up to a newer level.

Why not make this year the year to 'go for God'?

Pom is for peace of mind

2007-02-04T16:21:00.000+11:00

Take a pill for the pain
Drink some tea for my thoughts
Eat some chilli for the callousness
Grab a sandwich for my sensations
Buy a gold chain for the gregarious cantaloop
I want a Jap for my jarringly apprehensive psychosis
And a Pom for peace of mind.

Logic and Faith

2007-02-04T14:37:00.000+11:00

Thinking that logic alone can lead someone to faith is like thinking logic can convince someone that something is beautiful. Imagine driving through Navajo country in the southwest United States with a friend who considers the exquisite landscape just a barren wasteland. Would logic convince him that the landscape is beautiful? For every reason you give to demonstrate its beauty, your friend will counter with a reason for thinking it ugly. You perceive beauty; he doesn't. Mere logic isn't going to change his mind.

Some of the most important things in life transcend logic. No one can devise a logical proof for faith, beauty, or love. If we attempt a "proof" for them, we will be farther from understanding them than when we started. Such things are perceived by more than just our minds. They are perceived by something more profound than mere intellect.

The Bible refers to the center of the human personality as the "heart"¹ , and specifically designates it as the place of faith ( Mark 11:23 , Luke 24:25 ; John 14:1 ; Acts 8:37 ; Romans 10:9 ). This doesn't mean that faith is irrational. Faith can be philosophically and logically defended. But a logical defense of faith is as far from experiencing it as a verbal description of the flavor of strawberries is from their taste in the mouth. The heart includes the function of the mind, but transcends it. The inclination of peoples' hearts, not their intellectual powers, determines whether they will move in the direction of faith or unbelief. Jesus made this clear:

"Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." (John 3:20-21 NIV)

Hatred of truth causes unbelievers to use their rational powers to reject it. Hatred of truth occurs in their hearts. Their rationalizations for rejecting it are the consequence -- not the cause -- of their hatred.

This, too, is why the writer of Hebrews declares:

Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. (Hebrews 11:6 NIV)

The existence of God -- like the existence of love and beauty -- can be logically described. But it cannot be logically proven to someone who doesn't want to believe. Belief in these things requires openness of the heart. While logic can be used to provide evidence for the truth, it can also be used to rationalize evil. Ultimate choices are not only decisions of the mind but also matters of the heart, where logic is only a tool for fashioning a life of truth and goodness, or illusion and evil.

1. In the Bible, the term heart refers to the "whole man, with all his attributes, physical, intellectual, and psychological." (New Bible Dictionary) The meaning of mind, in contrast, is usually limited more specifically to mental abilities.

So the term heart refers to the governing center of man, that part of him that is often referred to with such terms as character, personality, will and mind. Heart is therefore a broader and more inclusive term than mind. In the New Testament, heart is fundamentally synonymous with person.

- Dan Vander Lugt

Esther - A Story for Today

2007-02-04T11:24:00.000+11:00

God is not mentioned once in the pages that bear the name of Esther. Yet in the unfolding drama of the Bible, this chapter of history shows that God doesn’t have to be mentioned to be present.

The story of Esther is a timeless tribute to the God who doesn’t have to be announced or understood to be present. He is the God of the sleepless night and the surprise ending. He is the God who works for us in the darkness, confusion, and fears of our lives.

What is inspiring about this story is that it is not all about Esther. It’s a story about the God who, while being our provider and protector, can use us to bring help to others. Who can say when we, like Esther, may find ourselves looking into the eyes of destiny as we contemplate the needs of a hurting child, a lonely neighbor, a frightened co-worker, or a disillusioned mate? Who can say that heaven has not brought us to this place—for such a time as this? (Esther 4:14).

- http://www.rbc.org/been_thinking_about/08/01/05.aspx

A Scanner Darkly

2007-02-04T04:36:00.000+11:00

"What does a scanner see? I mean, really see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does a passive infrared scanner ... see into me - into us - clearly or darkly? I hope it does see clearly, because I can't any longer these days see into myself. I see only murk. Murk outside; murk inside. I hope, for everyone's sake, the scanners do better. Because if the scanner sees only darkly, the way I myself do, then we are cursed, cursed again and like we have been continually, and we'll wind up dead this way, knowing very little and getting that little fragment wrong too."

- Bob Arctor, Chapter 11, A Scanner Darkly by Phillip K. Dick, 1977.

Now made into a major motion picture. Directed by Richard Linklater. Starring Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder.

An incident in the lift

2007-02-03T19:50:00.000+11:00

Yes, this is exactly what this might sound like.

I was but a moment ago a prisoner inside my own lift. Hmm, right on the floor where I am staying with my aunt the lift stopped, but wouldn't let me out!

My pulse racing, I proceded to try every button on the panel that I can press, tried finding a hatch door somewhere on the ceiling, and also tried plying the door open with my handy crowbar...

Eh, ok, I didn't have a crowbar, and I didn't pressed all the buttons, but I was stuck just a moment ago prior to writing this post. But thankfully the kindly security lady from downstairs phoned up and asked me how I was, and promised a swift extraction as the masters of the lift's arrival was imminent. Ok, they were just ordinary maintenance crew persons, but they got me out from the maw of that horrible monster of a lift alive and well to still be able to put all this down on paper (soft-copy?).

Anyways, just another day in HKSAR...

A series of events

2007-02-01T03:09:00.000+11:00

Today was a stressful and eventful day. Normally on this blog I don't bother recording every nitty-gritty detail of my day-to-day living, unlike some blogs that I have came across where it is just about this or that day in in bed with a cold or that day out going to this mall that the person has been everyother blog post only THIS TIME, its different, somehow. No I don't bother with that sort of blogs, nor do I intend to make this one of them. Sorry to the folks who do, but I don't.

Today was a stressful and eventful day. Still in HKSAR, where the weather is FI-INE~! with the usual smoggy haze (or hazy smog?) covering the islands. I was going to a museum on Dr Sun Yat-Sen, the first successful Chinese republican revolutionary, who in 1911 successfully initiated an uprising in Qing dynasty Wuchang province (I learnt that today!). I recieved a phone call while I was walking, and it turned out that the flight I was on the waiting list for has became available to me and therefore I can stay in HKSAR for an extra five days. I had previously wanted to do so because of my grandmother who wanted me at her birthday dinner which would have been after the 1st when I was supposed to leave. But now that the dinner was moved forwards in order to accomodate me I did not need to. But I did it anyways and so now I leave on the 6th.

Half an hour or so later, when I was in the museum, I recieved another phone call. This time it was my mum. She wanted to ask me to buy something extra to bring back, and I took the opportunity to tell her that I will be back later than expected. Now she was a bit annoyed. No she was not very happy. Actually she was a bit below furious. Ok maybe not so extreme but she was otherwise not fully supportive of my decision to stay longer than needed in HKSAR; I had of course other things that I could have done in Melbourne such as work and also some house chores that only a guy can do. Sorry ladies, no offense. She was telling me that I should keep the family in my head more often, and should have thought of the family before I decided to postpone my flight unnecessarily, which was rightly so coz I had only wanted to stay because I like it here. But my family is in Melbourne, and do need me and I was a selfish jerk. Not my mum's words exactly, but my spin on it anyhow. She told me that it was my decision, that I can still decide, but that I should decide with family in mind that's all, and so she left it at that.

After the call, I immediately tried calling the airline, but they were on lunch break. I went on to lunch myself and called back later to see whether I can reverse my decision from before. At this point only an hour and fifteen minutes have past from my mum's call, but already there was no seats which was to my expectation. I asked to be waitlisted again for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th. I doubted, though, whether I would be able to get on any flights in those dates.

With my flight details uncertain, I still decided to call my mum back just to update her. So I called the office only to find out that she had left already. When I got her on the mobile I told her everything about the flights and the waiting list. She nodded her way through, and then she suddenly dropped a bombshell: my sister was just involved in a car accident, exactly half an hour before. I'd thought I heard wrongly with all the earwax in my right ear or something, but it was true, she drove through a stop sign and didn't spot a car coming from the left. The collision pushed the car to the right and she slammed into a parked car on the right. God be thanked that no one was injured badly, but it was rightly a shock for all. She's only just gotten her probationary license for a month. Her name was not in the insurance policy. She was at fault. I found out later that there could be an excess of AUD$2050 to pay to the insurance company.

My mum told me this and broke down. She said that she tried calling my dad when she found out but couldn't reach him as usual. Ever since the break-up my dad never picked up if he knew it was her. She told me it was more than she could handle, and told me that this is exactly the reason why she was telling me to keep the family in mind; don't be a selfish jerk like my dad. She broke down as I told her that I will, and I will try to change, and that she'd need not worry too much; all the usual crap that I say but never much more than that I am ashamed to say. She'd told me that as well in the first phone call at the museum. She'd told me a lot more, and now this has happened, right when I had just postponed my flight out of selfishness, right when she had just told me to think of the family, right when we don't have much money, right when the family has lost its head and is now walking on purely by faith, and new found faith at that. And here I am overseas having my holiday.

"God speaks in the language you know best— not through your ears, but through your circumstances." (My Utmost, 29th Jan) I was sitting in the tram (yes, HKSAR has trams, but only on Hong Kong Island) pondering these words which I had just read a couple of days ago. I was wondering what God was speaking to me. I told Him I don't know what the point of all this is, why one thing after another, why all in the last ten months. It is exactly like the Chinese saying 'Falling into a well, only to have a stone come down after', or literal translation 'Down well throw stone'. I was wondering all this, all with only one single answer that I got from my head: God is Sovereign.

I am currently reading Job. Such a great book. Elihu puts it wonderfully:

"Why do you contend with Him?
For He does not give an accounting of any of His words"

There is nothing that God does without a valid reason. But when He does something, He indeed does not need to explain it to mere mortals like us. Do we tell a car why we need to go to some destination on a cold winter's day? Do we tell a dog why it needs to be put down? Neither the car nor the dog would understand our reasons purely because we are on a level higher than they.

"For God may speak in one way, or in another,
Yet man does not percieve it."

Why then do I contend with Him?

I felt like hitting myself. I felt like I had wronged my Lord Jesus yet again, and He shakes His head at my folly. I am not sure if He really did, but that was how I felt, sitting there in that tightly packed tram, unable to stretch out, unable to talk, hardly able to concentrate.

Later on a bus up to the Peak, the highest point (obviously) on Hong Kong Island where I had spent most of my day today, I was thinking back to the start of Job, when he had just lost his property, and his sons. He said those famous words:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Job wasn't a fool all the time, even if he was for much of the book. I shall not be made a fool as well.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there is pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You poured out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say:

Blessed be the name of the Lord!

No Stars in the HKSAR

2007-01-24T18:09:00.000+11:00

Hong Kong just doesn't have the sky for stars. As a star-deprived son of an overpopulated metropolis I journeyed down south. I still remember the very first time I laid eyes on the glorious tapestry of what must have been God's cape draped majestically across Heaven... I never gave it much thought.

But as I saw it each late night I return to my abode, I found myself bewildered by the sheer amount of tiny beacons that dot the night sky of my new home. Each with its distinct blue reddish silver pink, winking at me from the horizon, or piercingly staring from on high. Some clear moonless nights I would even see shadows of stardust (nebulae) displayed in the blank spaces between stars.

One day I decided that I would get a telescope one day when I have enough money. I would put it on my balcony at the back and just scope out each star one at a time. I would let my eyes roam across Heaven's jewels, God's own treasury.

Starphillia

2006-11-28T21:41:00.000+11:00

I LOVE STARS...

Just in case it wasn't obvious enough!

It is their simple features, a simple speck of light, that when viewed all together, becomes a glorious multitude of colours that glides effortlessly across the night sky, literally explodes before my very eyes; a humbling experience.

S: Do you star gaze for hours and then see the stars 'moving' so to speak?
J: haha last time in the summer I would go outside into the back balcony, and on the side there I could climb onto the roof of the garage from which I could climb onto the roof of the house.
S: Wah nice!!!
J: I would sit there on the roof and just gaze; the view is spectacular. Yea it is very nice... and the stars in the summer is a lot more brighter and clearer than winter...

Yeah so I think I am quite an avid lover of the cosmic heavens... just in case you haven't noticed... =p

Star Sojourner

2006-11-27T18:40:00.000+11:00

Once upon a time, I had a dream.

It was a dream set across continents, over rough waters, past mighty mountain ranges, through murky forest trails. I dreamt of travel, of a life of wandering, self-abandonment, self-isolation, self-imposed exile. I dreamt of taking what I can physically hold, and just leave where I was to go on a journey, bound for no where in particular, only following each days whims and the long road. I dreamt of lying down at night with the glorious tapestry of the Milky Way as my ceiling, the swaying grass my mattress, and the misty fog my blanket.

I dreamt the life of a sojourner, never staying long at any place, drawn almost compulsively to the road. Of meeting people one day, then leaving without a trace the next. Or perhaps next week. Perhaps a month. There would be no set rule, no permanency; just the whim, and the road.

Who knows, maybe some day I might go on such a journey.

Perhaps one day, with you...

Blogging in 1807

2006-11-25T19:21:00.000+11:00

In 1807, there are four persons of note whose deeds are only spoken of in hushed tones among obscure circles around dinner tables hidden in forgotten back chambers of mysterious mansions at enigmatic locales.

M, M, K, & J.

Doubter of Doubts

2006-11-25T17:34:00.000+11:00

Sometimes, I look back on what this year has all being about and I would shudder at the mighty and awesome things that the Lord has walked me through. He was there every step of the way of course, even though sometimes I would not believe it. But I only had to look at the trials that I went through, the horrors of darkness, the highest of highs and breakthroughs, that I realised I could have said the same of having walked through that mess as well; and knowing that I really did walk through it all, how then can I doubt that God had being there every step of the way?

So doubters doubt, but yet I end up doubting my doubts. Strange how a mind works. Truly wonderful and marvelous how its formed. All creation testifies to the great works of God, His loving care in all things, how much more would He care for the ones whom He had called His own? How much more greater would His plans be for all of us who call upon His name?

My future is indeed in His hands. Where else would be safer? Where else could be more secure?

My heart gladdens, a cloud lifts from around my head; the weight upon my shoulders eases, but of course is still there: one does not just leave everything to the helper when He comes, for one still has the responsiblilty to carry it through to the very end; its just that the helper makes it all bearable. Thank God.

Bubble of Blabble

2006-11-25T16:21:00.000+11:00

Gosh it has being a long year.
Longer than I would have liked,
Too much of a drag sometimes,
But greater than any other.

It has being a long home coming,
Finding a place in the world;
A reason for the madness,
Of yester-months.

Man, how I wish i was a better poet,
To be able to write what I truly want to write,
Express that which I wish to express,
In clever prose elegantly constructed.

Alas it cannot be,
All my words turn into mush,
Meaningless blabble
All too much.

Really what the heck did I just write? Must be all the late nights!

The Sandman's Sand

2006-11-23T00:25:00.000+11:00

Sometimes I would dream of you.
But most times I just don't dream at all.
It just makes those times when I see you so much more worthwhile.

I don't have much to offer.
Neither riches in pocket nor riches in heart.
What I do offer is love, undying, un-selfish and true.
The love that one much greater than I had taught me
To do for you that which I could not have done before.

Longing makes me languish,
Waiting leaves me to the whips, a slow violent torture.
Uncertainty bores into my soul, undermining my strength.
Do not do this unto me any longer,
Neither affection and zeal, nor hatred and rejection.
An existence in the realm of lukewarmness,
Neither hot nor cold.
Is it so hard for you to just say you love me?
Is it so bad of me to expect an answer?
The Lord did not create us for half-answers and shadowy truths.
So come out and say what you truly feel.
Come out and say.

I shall love you to the day I die;
You whom I have found after all these years.
I belong to you.

And so it is...

2006-11-20T01:11:00.000+11:00

I realise that I probably haven't updated my blog as often as I should, and frankly, I think for the past few weeks I couldn't care less. Sorry.

Hah, why am I saying sorry?! A monumental battle rages inside my head and I apologise for not updating a BLOG? Why that's absurd! Fight that battle first before entertaining any notion of writing, lest the battle spills into the words like wildfire, creating chaos in content, disparities and conflicts at every paragraph.

What battle? I always say that my mind is like the Houses of Parliament, full of discord, division, and disagreements. And lately the discord rages about God and the future, the division about relationships, the disagreements about family. A battle that had still not being resolved; one that may never completely be won.

They say for anyone to truly believe, there must also be a time of doubt as well. Maybe I am going through that, maybe I am just confused, maybe I am just not faithful enough, maybe I am feeling unworthy again. I don't know.

Maybe I just need to listen more and complain less. Let His words come like a quiet whisper in a rushing wind. Let me just hear Him. Let what I hear be a lamp unto my feet. Amen.

Bobskate Internazionale '06

2006-11-20T00:41:00.000+11:00

In latter years this will be a day to be remembered, reminisced and reflected upon. It has being immortalised on digital mpeg, this deed that we all had done. As adrenaline-rushing as high speed skiing, as addictive as krispy kreme on a cold winter day; today the world has witnessed the birth of a new sport from humble beginnings.

It had all being above ground in an apartment carpark situated in Carlton, Melbourne. The centrepoint where the dream was first dreamt, the vision first seen, it became the first place to host an event unlike any other seen by the likes of men all around the world.

And it all started when a skateboard somehow found its way into the Seasons carpark third floor, where there was a cosmic alignment of characters gathered for a film shoot on a cool spring evening in early October 2006. Ideas abounded and before long the sharp turns and steep ramps became the very first circuit for the fledgling passtime first dubbed by one as "bob-skating". After one short stint at filming a still clumsy attempt at reproducing bobsledding on concrete, the group decided to return for an intensive study at the art of steering a skateboard by way of counter balancing weight, down steep ramps, in the fastest time. Thus today, November 19th will be a day to be remembered.

Footage may be posted, but at this point in time, it is sufficient to report that there will most certainly be further developments. This may be the start of an underground cult sport. Stay tuned.

One Day

2006-10-31T20:55:00.000+11:00

An unknown (by me) galaxy. Courtesy of NASA images. I love NASA. hahah

One day I wish I can afford the equipment to capture my own images. Maybe not as nice as these from the Hubble space telescope, but nice enough.

One day...

Humble man called Moses

2006-10-31T11:45:00.000+11:00

Moses was someone whom God spoke to face-to-face. Can anybody imagine what that means? I figured it like this: I have noticed that in the many accounts written by Moses regarding the journey to the Promised Land, God descended from the pillar of smoke and appeared before Moses so many times. Its as if God was just someone who got off a plane and you see step out of the sliding doors at the airport; He appears and you can physically greet and welcome Him. Moses had that type of relationship with God and I really admire that sort of intimacy with our Maker.

But the most amazing part of Moses's relationship with God is not just that they saw each other in the face, but that God was even willing to defend him in he face of accusation and opposition, even from other "Godly" men. Numbers 12 showed a particular episode where Moses found himself accused of having a foreign 'exotic' wife from Ethiopia by Aaron and Miriam. God actually went out of the way to call all three persons into His presence at the Tabernacle, where He once again descended in a cloud of smoke. God spoke out against Aaron and Miriam, in a statement that continues to baffle and amaze me since when I first read it some time ago. Can you imagine? You are been accused of an act, which the highest authority in all of existence has no problem with, and the highest authority actually stoops down to become your advocate!

Here is what He actually says:
"Hear now My words:
If there is a prophet among you,
I, the Lord, make Myself known
to him in a vision;
I speak to him in a dream.
Not so with My servant Moses;
He is faithful in all My House.
I speak with him face to face,
Even plainly, and not in dark sayings;
And he sees the form of the Lord.
Why then were you not afraid
To speak against My servant Moses?"

Wouldn't anyone want to have this type of advocate when they are faced with a problem? I know I would. What made God so favor Moses? Well, as WH shared to me yesterday, the answer was in the same chapter: verse 3. Moses was the most humble man in all the world. I remember John Bevere once said also that humility is one of the factors in maintaining an intimate relationship with God.

But notice that this verse was in Numbers... and for those who know a bit about the background of this book, something very strange immediately comes to mind. Didn't Moses himself wrote the book? Why is he writing that he was humble? Isn't that like a paradox? At first I thought it was too. Until I considered what humility really is.

So what is humility? Its not putting yourself down, but putting yourself where you really belong in God. Why, Moses wasn't humble just because he said it in his book, it is actually because of his actions. What he wrote in Numbers was just the truth.Its not about playing down the gifts that God has given us, but knowing where we really are despite those gifts. Its about knowing where we are with God: we are His servant, to be faithful in His House. We are nothing without God. To understand and to live like this is the sign of a person with true humility.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

2006-10-24T13:06:00.000+10:00

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked. .... with Beer

Disclaimer: I do not endorse this type of behaviour, esp. prior to marriage.

Here's ONE reason not to yell at your wife.

2006-10-24T12:59:00.000+10:00

A guy and his wife were speeding down the interstate when a state cop pulls him over.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you were going 80." Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: "I will also give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for months." Man gives his wife a dirty look. Officer: "I will also give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells, "Bitch, shut your damn mouth"
The Officer turns to the woman and says, "Ma'm,does your husband talk to you this way all the time??
Wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

Bloooggggiiiiiiinnnnnnnnggggggggg

2006-10-24T10:48:00.000+10:00

Its times like these that begs for some sort of creative outlet, times like these where ideas buzz around my head, yet nothing seems to make sense, and in the end nothing is written. So I am resigned to just sit here in my nice office seat at work, doing nothing but waiting for the next phone call, and vegetate. I could almost feel extensions of root stalks creep around my limbs and torso, locking me into place on my seat, just as roots dig into the soil and lock a tree onto solid ground. I feel like a dead weight of a thousand years is upon my shoulders as I sit here and wait. My eyes no longer wander about the room, but now fixated at the pulsating screen even as these words are typed out by the only part of my body that's still moving: my fingers. I tried to wiggle my toes a bit, but it will not respond. Am I conscious? Unconscious? Dead perhaps? I knew not, and I cared not; only the continual staring and the mindless taping of my fingers upon this keyboard seems to matter right at this moment.

Suddenly a flash on the screen robbed me of my inner musings. I was transported back into the real world; I've got a MSN message:

m:
hey justin
m:
you not at work ah?

I stared at the pop-up with wide-eyed bewilderment, as if this most routine occurence had never occurred to me before. My mind was still easing out of deep cryo-sleep, the stalks slowly retreating back from whence they came. My body came back alive; I was not a vegetable anymore, a human once again.

j: haha no i am, just not at wishlist today...

Farewell

2006-10-23T13:35:00.000+10:00

A great man has left in the wee hours of today. It is both a sad, but at the same time an exciting and joyous time, for now he goes on a great new Fantastic Adventure In Trusting Him. He has indeed touched many lives during his time here, and I am sure he will go on to touch even more back home. His time with us here may have come to an end, but God's time for him has just begun. Don't look back brother, don't ever feel regret. Remember us, but don't let us tie you back from the greater things that God has called you to. May God always be before you, and that you trust in His strength. God bless you and your family, bro. See ya.

7 steps to making love with your wife

2006-10-17T10:01:00.000+10:00

Step One: Tell her she got beautiful eyes.
Step Two: Tell her you love her.
Step Three: Switch off lights.
Step Four: Cannot see, put on torchlight...

Not my original work, and DEFINITELY not the way I would go about it!!!

Intimacy

2006-10-17T09:39:00.000+10:00

"As long as you have the idea that God will always bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of His silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, then He will give you the first sign of His intimacy— silence."

Wow

I never really thought that getting the silent treatment is a step into intimacy with Him, but when I think about it, it indeed is. Think of our own friendships. The best and closest friends can go hours without speaking, and just be with each other such is their intimacy. Think of the dear old couple who only speaks a few words in the evening during dinner time; it is not because they are ignoring each other, living with each other out of convenience, its because there is no need for an exchange of verbal communication. If silence can mean thus in our earthly relationships, then so much more our Heavenly relationship with our Maker!

My goodness, His silence is one of joy and one of reassurance, despite what the Enemy will say about these times when I seem to get nothing from prayer, no powerful moment of ministry, not a single word of instruction or encouragement. Why, when God is silent, He is showing He has already heard me! This has been my revelation for this morning, and what a morning, what a revelation!

Your name is like honey on my lips
Your Spirit like water to my soul
Your Word is a lamp unto my feet
Jesus I love you.

Spring in Melbourne. Oct 27th.

2006-10-10T18:28:00.000+10:00

Coming soon. Rock On.

In Da 'Ouse

2006-10-05T16:34:00.000+10:00

Aiiieeee, welcomez to de ouse wherez wez za gonna play Jason Mraz and Dashboard 'hile wez talk 'ike 'his maan.

Yup, I have totally completely positively absolutely lost my mind. Must be Borat from last night.

Fly me to the moon

2006-10-01T00:35:00.000+10:00

Hmm, thinking back, I am not sure when was the last time I had an event at my place that was about as big as the one tonight (or last night). A nice barbeque in the evening under the moonlight, coupled with some jamming and playing boardgames... it was a pleasantly entertaining night.

I think I could do with a few more functions like this at my place soon... heh, fly me to the moon anytime man...

Prophecies?

2006-09-25T21:56:00.000+10:00

Since I got nothing else better to do for the night, I decided to do the age-old time-honoured tradition of bloggers all over the world:

Put your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if they don't make sense. You'll be surprised though.. NO CHEATING!

How are you feeling today?
I Cry - Trick Daddy ft. Ron Isley
(hmm, quite right for like two seconds today...thankfully)

Will you get far in life?
Knocking on Heavens Door - Bob Dylan
(Wow, I like that =P)

How do your friends see you?
Still Standing - Israel Houghton & New Breed
(Err... that's cool I guess)

Will you get married?
Only Hope - Mandy Moore
(Oh man... you can't be serious?!)

What is your best friend's theme song?
Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay
(Speechless)

What is the story of your life?
Salvation is Here - Hillsongs Australia
(Brilliant! That is THE story of my life!)

What was high school like?
Song of the Broken - Something Like Silas
(On the spot as well... Is this a prophetic tool? If it is I have cause for concern...see above)

How can you get ahead in life?
Turn - Travis
(It's that easy?)

What is the best thing about your friends?
Love Child - Diana Ross
(Hmm, I am not sure I like the sound of that...)

What is today going to be like?
Not Pretty Enough - Kasey Chambers
(Better suit up better then...)

What is in store for this weekend?
Journey - Corrinne May
(Oh heck, not another one...)

What song describes you?
Shy Boy - Katie Melua
(Me? Shy? That's like yonks ago man...)

To describe your grandparents?
Divine Invitation - Something Like Silas
(Hmm... an invitation to evangelise?)

How is your life going?
Lost In Space - Lighthouse Family
(HAHA... email)

What song will they play at your funeral?
Open Up The Gates - Planetshakers
(Woot! I am going home baby!)

How does the world see you?
Not Forgotten - Israel Houghton & New Breed
(Hmm, I am glad... sort of)

Will you have a happy life?
Lifesong - Casting Crowns
(Is that an answer? A song about what I wonder...)

What do your friends really think of you?
Thankful - Caedmon's Call
(Heh heh heh)

Do people secretly lust after you?
Lift Up Your Eyes - Planetshakers
(Well I shall take that as YES)

How can I make myself happy?
I Do It For You - Bryan Adams
(You will? You will?)

What should you do with your life?
There Are Worse Things I Could Do - Lesley Gore
(Oh shoot, really ah?)

Will you ever have children?
Tomorrow - Bebe & Cece Winans
(Eh... I am just not too sure if that's a good idea...)

A little something from My Utmost...

2006-09-25T21:40:00.000+10:00

Our Lord’s teaching can be summed up in this: the relationship that He demands for us is an impossible one unless He has done a super-natural work in us. Jesus Christ demands that His disciple does not allow even the slightest trace of resentment in his heart when faced with tyranny and injustice. No amount of enthusiasm will ever stand up to the strain that Jesus Christ will put upon His servant. Only one thing will bear the strain, and that is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ Himself— a relationship that has been examined, purified, and tested until only one purpose remains and I can truly say, "I am here for God to send me where He will." Everything else may become blurred, but this relationship with Jesus Christ must never be.

The Sermon on the Mount is not some unattainable goal; it is a statement of what will happen in me when Jesus Christ has changed my nature by putting His own nature in me. Jesus Christ is the only One who can fulfill the Sermon on the Mount.

If we are to be disciples of Jesus, we must be made disciples supernaturally. And as long as we consciously maintain the determined purpose to be His disciples, we can be sure that we are not disciples. Jesus says, "You did not choose Me, but I chose you. . ." ( John 15:16 ). That is the way the grace of God begins. It is a constraint we can never escape; we can disobey it, but we can never start it or produce it ourselves. We are drawn to God by a work of His supernatural grace, and we can never trace back to find where the work began. Our Lord’s making of a disciple is supernatural. He does not build on any natural capacity of ours at all. God does not ask us to do the things that are naturally easy for us— He only asks us to do the things that we are perfectly fit to do through His grace, and that is where the cross we must bear will always come.

Of preachers, ramblers and poems

2006-09-25T12:14:00.000+10:00

Haha lately I seem to have rambled alot and preached alot on this blog... sorry for overloading, and for generally not making sense! =)

But I think bloging is therapeutic for me. It sets my mind at ease, giving me a break from just musing and daydreaming all these things in my head, and allowing me to just pour it all out so I don't have to think about it over and over. If someone asked me to blog a year ago I would have laughed at the absurdity: I am no writer. Yet now I surprise myself sometimes. Please don't take me as being one of the self-praising types, for if someone were to say to me I am good at writing, I would still say no, and thats the truth. I never really felt I can write. I still don't. I guess the point of all this rambling is that maybe all of this is the big HS doing His work in me. Maybe that's why its therapeutic...

Haven't written a poem in ages. Lately I just don't have the time, nor the muse for it. I want to exercise that muscle for a long time, lest I lose it like I lost drawing. Hmm... maybe one now for the road? Right here, right now, no scripts, no pre-planning, no idea what it will be about, no idea where its gonna go, but let's just take it as it comes and see where we end up...

There once was a boy
With a nose for picking toys
That fills his life with laughter.
He went to his sacred store
Where he found his favorite toy.
A big yellow roadster,
Full of pride, flashy bluster.

He hurriedly went in
To take it for a spin,
Not caring for the ropes and pins
That held it securedly in
Its own little box.
Round the block he goes,
The aisles all he knows.
'Til a man caught him by the collar
And brought him back to his mother.

She asks him where he's being
And tells him what trouble he's in,
Opening the box of a toy car
Not paying for it but playing
And making a mess of things!

Rightttt Justin. Something you have done perhaps?

Choices choices choices...

2006-09-25T10:37:00.000+10:00

Sometimes, the number of choices is so many, I just don't know where to start deciding. I want a career. I want to study. I want to make lots of friends all over the places. I want to invest in particular friendships. I want to live for God. I want to make money. I want to move out. I want an apartment. I want to support my family. I want to be there for them. I want to leave everything behind and just wander. I want to backpack Europe. I want to traverse the Sahara. I want to design interiors. I want to write a comic. I want to sail the seven seas. I want to fight the good fight. I want... why is there so many wants, so many aspirations, so many things that I could have done yet didn't, so many choices...?

All this choice, yet so little time. I am tired.

Living can be so hard. Lately I see life as somewhat comparable to standing at multiple crossroads, with pathways leading off in all directions, yet never getting anywhere. We live in a world so full of choice that it sometimes seems like there is really no choice at all. What is the difference between choosing to go down the path of a psychologist or a lawyer? Is there any real meaning in deciding what mobile network I choose to go with? Is there a fundamental difference in the choice of friends with whom I hang out with? So I am left with nothing; all choices seems meaningless to me, just as Solomon had concluded in writing his book. So all that's left is God. God is the only one who has meaning, who can give me meaning. Yet why do I still feel this way, despite believing in Him? Why do I still feel so directionless, overwhelmed by the big bad world of non-choices?

The answer probably lies in how well do I know God. If I do not obey Him, I shall never intimately know Him. If I do not walk with Him as the Apostles did, and obey His commands, I shall never be a true friend of Him (John 15:14). And when I am counted as His friend, oh what a frightful delight that would be! For God lets those who He call friend in on His plans, and even involves them in His decision-making! Look at Abraham, look at Moses!

I strive for that. I want to know God; I need to know Him. I want to obey God; I need to obey Him. For without Him, all things are meaningless.

Kara ok?

2006-09-24T03:34:00.000+10:00

I'm more than a bird,
I'm more than a plane,
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train...

Ahh, its nice to just sing your heart out with a bunch of fellow cell members and friends while sipping not-so-honey lemon honey. Cheerios to all who were there, and also to all who could've been but weren't... we did miss you... and I am sorry to say, YOU MISSED OUT! haha...

Potential

2006-09-20T22:21:00.000+10:00

There is something wonderful in the way God sees me. To Him, He sees much more than what I can see. He does not see the pitfalls, the darkness, the would-be sins that I see; for He has already forgiven, forgotten, and wiped it all clean. He sees who I am as if sin had never laid a finger on me, and I stand righteous by the blood of Jesus Christ before Him.

At least that is what I am told. At least it is biblical.

But it is so hard a reality to swallow. Sometimes.

No 'us' in Salvation

2006-09-20T00:45:00.000+10:00

Lets refocus... God did not save us coz we were pitiful, nor did He save us coz we asked/demanded it, nor did He save us coz we were deserving, nor did He save us coz we were His creations. Notice all of the above statements had the word 'we' in it. He did not even save us because He loves 'us'....

He saved us simply because He loves His creations. There is no 'we' or 'us' in His reason. It is just His character to love, and we were fortunate enough to have been created special for He had said of us as "very good" instead of just "good", for Him to want to save us. Get with the program, we are not the focus.

It really is a humbling experience.

White As Snow

2006-09-20T00:17:00.000+10:00

I am sick of unrighteous anger; I am sick of retribution; I am sick of self-righteousness; I am sick of pride; I am sick of condemnation; I am sick of unforgiveness; I am sick of blame; I am sick of the past; I am sick of pessimism; I am sick of greed; I am sick of money; I am sick of...

Sometimes, life just gets so sickening...
Isaiah 1: 6 says:

From the sole of the foot even unto the head,
there is no soundness in it,
but wounds and bruises and putrefrying sores;
they have not been closed or bound up,
or soothed with ointment.

This is the life of the unredeemed. This is what the world has to offer. This is the price of sin. I believe that the wages of sin is worse than death. Yet why do I sin, why do I continue to turn away, and slide back into the world? I condemn the world, hate its Godlessness, yet I myself is no different, no better. Who am I to say such things? I cannot judge for I myself is to be judged. I fall and fall; there seems to be no end in my self-condemnation.

At times, I fall so far back into the darkness that I even forget about what God has already done.

Isaiah reminded me.

Come now, and let us reason together,
says the Lord,
Though your sins are like scarlet,
They shall be as white as snow;
Though they are red like crimson,
They shall be as wool.
(Is. 1: 18)

No matter how far down I go, as long as my heart still yearns for God, as long as I confess and repent my sins before Him, as long as I go back to the Cross and accept Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, those sins will be wiped clean, and I shall be white as snow, be as wool.

Praise be to God for He is Good. All the time.

Of passionate fear

2006-09-18T09:43:00.000+10:00

I have once found a passion that knews no bounds. It was something of a gift, something of a innate talent that I was fortunate to be blessed with. I took pride in it. It was the gift of drawing.

I have once another passion that knew no bounds. It was something that could have been more. It ruled my mind, and held captive my heart. It was a love/infatuation/relationship that never gotten anywhere.

I have once another passion that knew no bounds. It was something of a focus that drove my life. It came like a bad rash, and is now fading away with the passage of time. I thought it could have lasted forever. It was my academic foray into psychology.

I have one passion now that had known no bounds. It was something of an accident, something of a pre-ordained destiny. It gave me my freedom, it gave me hope, it gave me strength, and it gave me a renewed outlook on life. I think it might last forever as well. It was my encounter with God.

Despite these passions, I have never really done anything in its hot pursuit, to attain it. I have neglected and went to opposite direction from drawing, to the point where I have now lost the gift that was given to me. I have been inert in my affections, and now its too late and there is no turning back. I had spent the last three years moving along through my course, and had never really pursued it with what you would call passion; now it no longer crosses my mind, and attaining honours seems so far away. Would you call these things passions if I do not actively pursue it?

There is a fear within me that my 'passion' for God may be of the same caliber as these other things. Is it truly one of my biggest passions to know and love God? What if it becomes just another 'passion' that fades away, or left neglected is lost forever? Sometimes, I truly hate myself for wanting something badly, yet being so indifferent to it in my actions. I know God is forever, God is eternal, God's love will always be the same. Yet I know my own, and I know that I am not forever, not eternal, and neither is my love; that a day comes when it will all become insignificant again, just as it was with everything else I call my passions. Can I sense the coming of this day just around the corner? Do I feel the strain today? I feel its oppressive presense everyday, a fear that just won't go away.

I hope that day will never come, when my love for God shall fail, and my faith crumbles beneath my own iniquities. I would rather die before that day if it must come. The thought is one of my greatest fears.

Lights of the Night

2006-09-14T21:35:00.000+10:00

I realised over the past couple of days that I haven't been posting any 'stars' lately... so to make up for it all...

This here is nicknamed the "Rotten Egg" galaxy... dunno what the official name is though.

Another unnamed galaxy... has a vague resemblance to the Andromeda Galaxy in the Andromeda constellation though... do correct me if I am wrong.

NGC613 of the Sculptor constellation in all her brilliant glory...

A view from my room...

What? This is also a light in the night what....

GG-fied

2006-09-14T21:11:00.000+10:00

I dropped my new phone of two days for the very first time tonight, in my own garage at home. I forgot it was on my lap and it fell when I got out of my car. Thankfully no visible scratches... but was quite GG-fied moment there...

GG-fy. verb (GG-fied, GG-fying) To GG someone, the act of getting someone into a GG situation. (Coined by a Mr D. Y.)

Why?!

2006-09-13T00:37:00.000+10:00

You don't need to have eyes to see
Nor do you need ears to hear
Coz even if you do
You will still not understand the fullness of my love.

Sometimes, 'why' is just too unimportant a question...

†††

Humbled and Full of Days

2006-09-11T11:57:00.000+10:00

Now prepare yourself like a man;
I will question you, and you shall answer Me:
Would you annul my judgement?
Would you condemn Me that you may be justified?
Have you an arm like God?
Or can you thunder with a voice like His?

no

Who then is able to stand against Me?
Who has preceded Me, that I should pay him?
Everything under heaven is Mine.

yes
I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear,
But now my eye sees You.
Therefore I abhor myself,
And repent in dust and ashes.

and then the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning... and he died, old and full of days.
I hope that I can be like that...

Sundays

2006-09-10T16:35:00.000+10:00

Sundays are just so delightful. I love Sundays most out of all the days of the week, and that's not only because there is church and I go to an incredible church out there by the bay (ok it is not exactly by the beach anymore but it's still near there!). I think I love Sundays for its uniquely unencumbered feel, its nonchalantness, the lack of overly exertful events and stress, and also more for the people whom I usually meet on Sundays as well. But above all others, I love Sundays simply because it is a day set apart from the week, away from troubles and worries (as best as can be arranged), a day where I can catch my breathe before launching into a brand new week of struggles, hardships, heights of thrills, and the lows of disappointments. It is my pit-stop, my own time when I can tighten those screws that have came loose or at risk of breaking off totally during the course of the week.

Thank God for Sundays... Really.

Crying Like A Church On Monday

2006-09-10T00:31:00.000+10:00

There is something about this song that gets me... I don't rightly know if its the words or just the music, but everytime I hear it, no matter how blissfully ignorant and high I am feeling at that moment, I will always come back down... in a good way, but emo nonetheless. Guess it's just right on the dot for me I suppose. The lyrics are not supposed to be Christian by-the-way... don't say I did'nt warn you...

I was dancing
With your shadow
Slow down memories hall
I said, wait. have I been seduced and forgotten?
You said, baby, havent we all!
Now I dont like crying
Because it only gets me wet
But I cant help failing
To remember to forget you
And I know its gonna be a long time
And Im crying like a church on monday
Praying for these feelings to go away
So do me a favor baby
Put down your new god
And love me like sunday again
I was hiding in your bedroom
When I saw him come inside
I cant live in his shadow
Is that where Im dancing untill I die
Now I dont light candles
Because they make me see the light
That I cant help failing
To remember to forget you
And I know its gonna be a long time
And Im crying like a church on monday
Praying for these feelings to go away
So do me a favor baby
Put down your new god
And love me like sunday again

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius

2006-09-10T00:14:00.000+10:00

Don't ask me to pronounce that, coz it will just end in a fit of laughter the type of which I am not prepared to do right now at this hour (time of writing of course), but I think this is adequate description of drama today (or should I say yesterday)! Yes, it was...

All of you guys are just super talented!!! I still gasp and splutter and stare wide-eyed-open-mouthed at the various different gifts that each of you all bring, and it really does warm my heart that all of it is for His mighty work! Really, I can't wait till BAF(oo)N!

Wonderful...

Bright Eyes

2006-09-07T23:14:00.000+10:00

Bright lights, big city
Was quite extraordinary.
The drive was pretty.
I was in perfect company.
The love of a lifetime,
Since we were elementary friends;
The one with the bright eyes..

Why can't I be optimistic?
I tried to find the logic logically.
I had a dream and I could not shake it.
I was standing up there naked.

There's fear in the truth at hand, frozen I forgot to understand
The live keep living; growing older more into a man..
And I let her grow away from me.

Love.. love is not pretending.
Time.. time was meant for mending
Memories into all is satisfactory,
Healthy smiles fill the page the day we spent in miles.
And I let her drive away from me.

The one with the bright eyes
Laughed her way inside this music box;
Stored away in the corner of my heart. And I let her get away from meÉ
But I'll never take that day away from me.

(Words by Jason Mraz)

The Technocratic Fellowship

2006-08-28T19:54:00.000+10:00

What do you call a bunch of guys in a high tech apartment with surveilance cameras around every bend? The Drawing Near Fellowship! Woot!

Love O Romantic Love

2006-08-28T15:36:00.000+10:00

Oh how splendid and yet so terrible a love can be. It has the sweet aroma of honey that lingers within one's nose long after smelling it, and comforts like sunshine after rain (Shakespeare); but it is also like a gnawing heart worm that strangles and chokes producing constant longing for release. I am of course not referring to the eternal love of God, but to the romantic love that people have for one another, which is far from being perfect... yes I am a cynic when it comes to this. I know from the bite of unrequited affection to mild fancy, to complete domination at the hands of infatuation. No I may be no guru, nor teacher, but I can tell you I have being through the thick and thin of romance and knew of such things that can turn a man back into a boy.

Man will always be fools in love. It seems there are no remedy for this ailment that inflicts us all, impairing our speech, our hearing, our vision, our thinking; it is worst than cataphracs, does more than arthritis, and is one of the more fatal killers of youth since the dawn of time. Wretched beings that we are! But dare I say that men will never survive without love, for it binds us and pervades our thoughts. Indeed it may be an ailment, but it shall also be our greatest joy.

Something stirs in the hearts of men,
That one unmistakable thug
Who pounds upon the door
In places men knows not of
But is brought to grudging awareness
When that fellow funs amok.

He moves with the stealth of a puma,
And attacks like a fleeting cheetah.
He strikes when one is not prepared,
Leaving behind a shell-shocked stutterer.

The anarchist within men's hearts
A budding terrorist.
Yet without men are equally lost,
For a man who does not love is
No man at all.
For a man cannot walk the highest peaks of mountains
Nor feel the ecstatic rush of victory,
Without first knowing how to love,
To pine, to passion, to have infatuation,
For that taste of the exotic, that touch of otherness,
To be consumed and lost in something greater
Better than himself.

Sunnies and Bright Yellow

2006-08-28T15:29:00.000+10:00

hey, he-ey, something's different in my world today
they changed my traffic sign to a brighter yellow...

Just think what a wonderful world that would be...
A different world from a different perspective.
Or it could just be my sunglasses...

Veni, vidi...

2006-08-28T15:03:00.000+10:00

I came, I saw, I typed, now my fingers sore. Data Entry completed...
Now for boring old sit-and-stare-at-computer-screen-while-waiting-for-next-phonecall routine again. Man, I LOVE this job...

Oops here goes the phone!

Data Entry Again...

2006-08-28T09:32:00.000+10:00

Entering data comes with both its sublime joys and its absolute boredom. It gives joy because it means I actually have something to do for the whole day. It is a bore because it's just so monotonous and dry that it borders on driving me insane. Well, just glad to be of help I suppose to these wonderful social work people who are already worked to maximum capacity already, providing counselling, translation services, liasing with medical professionals and government organisations on behalf of clients who otherwise have no one else to turn to for help.

Yes, I am just another cog in this wonderful organisation that is seriously a God-send. Brilliant.

Prayer works

2006-08-27T22:21:00.000+10:00

Prayer works, for if its not prayer and God's good graces I would not have seen so many wonderful things in such a short amount of time!

My beloved mother mum is probably one of the most courageous and wonderful woman who have occupied a very BIG slot in my to-pray-for list for a very long time. This morn' was a realisation, and a very big PROOF that prayer works... for my dear ole' mum came a-walking while I was trying to play "I'm Yours" on guitar before I head off to church (yeah there is some sort of connection between the two, eh, trust me...), and she had a sort of dazed, I-just-woke-up look, but also one that shone with a certain amount of contentment that I had not seen in a while.

Translated into English
"Wei, playing guitar again?" (a good morning greeting in my house)
"Yes, before I head off to church... just a few bars" (believe me, there IS a connection)
"Ah-ha, guess what happened?"
"What?"
"I made a public acceptance." (direct translation)
"Huh? Whats a public acceptance?"
"You know, eh...."
"OH~! A public ACCEPTANCE! You mean you Accepted Christ?"
"Yeah, last night at the group."
"And you prayed the prayer?" (mouth agape already)
"Yes, you mean was it the same with you?"
"Oh yes, so let me tell you about what happened with me..."

Praise God, for He is Good!

Sometimes, its the simple things that matters most...

2006-08-27T21:29:00.000+10:00

No matter where I go, no matter what I encounter, the trials and tribulations, the heights of jubilation, one thing is for certain: that Love is forever and ever the same as always. Unchanging, undying...

Was reminded today where that love was expressed in its most violent, yet most awe-inspiring and yet at the same time beautiful moment known to many as Calvary. Sometimes, its really the simple things that holds the most value and meaning. Christ died, Christ has risen... We are saved, praise the Lord! With His blood He wiped clean all records of my sin, except that which exist in the Lucifer and in my own head. Sounds simple enough. Its good enough for God apparently, as He now has forgiven even me of all that I have done, as well as all that I will do in the future. But yet I still cannot get my head around it... still the same old me wallowing in the mudpit of sin of my own making, and blaming and cursing, and yelling and hitting myself, as if that might appease Him who has already been appeased. I hide from Him like a wanted fugitive, when all He wanted was to hug me and bring me out of that dark hole I dug for myself. Silly.

Get over yourself, I keep telling myself... Get over what you have done, I pleaded, to no avail, as I plunge head-long back into the mud from whence I had been lifted. Such sad self-infliction, almost masochistic if not for the fact that it gives me no pleasure. I am sick of it, sick of living this way. There are times when I think maybe He has forsaken me, maybe He grew sick of me wanting to go back to that pit of self-blame and self-denouncement... maybe He is sick of having to reach into that mud time and time again just to lift me back up.

But thank the Lord that He has come once again this morn'. Thank the Lord that He has not forsaken me. Thank the Lord that He will continue to do it again and again until the day when I can finally stand up and say "this mudpit is not for me, I have better things to do than to wallow about like a boar. Its BORING..."

Thank You for the Cross......

Please Give Me a Financial Brain

2006-08-23T21:35:00.000+10:00

Tax returns sucks.... I spent a total of four hours staring at the form and the relevant information provided.... all for only a dozen or so boxes filled with numbers! Ahhhhghhhh~~~~!!!!!

If there was something that God withheld from me, it would have to be a brain that comprehends money!

Reclusive Hermitage Called Home

2006-08-23T01:54:00.000+10:00

Songs in minor
Flowed out from the lyre,
Crash of cymbals
Seething outside through the rain.
This here a refuge for
Neither sorrow nor joy,
Just rumination
And contemplation
Of this here moment in time.

I have a time
Once before the dead of the night,
When the world stood silent
Before majestic stars,
When I felt utter isolation,
Estranged from the woes,
Exiled from the thrill
Of life in this world.
'Tis like a thief in the night
Come hither to what's mine,
Only to rob me of its company,
Denying it from me.

I look out of that window
To see the shroud of grey
Hanging thickly by the brushes
Even during the brightness of day.
I know it's there for a reason,
I know it's there in my mind,
Juddering constantly in my vision
Reminding me of my crime.

Of foods of dubious origin and times of uplifting humour

2006-08-21T16:50:00.000+10:00

What a strange title?! And how fitting it was for such a strange day! Yesterday was perhaps one of the most "not my day" type of days I've had in a long while, yet at the same time not a bad day!

Beginning in church where I was at the crux of horrible feedback and terrible team management, where for some weird reason neither the band nor the sound team (i.e. my team) seems to know what they are doing, it was truly God's grace that everything did not come to a crashing halt. By some freak occurence the church had only one workable speaker for about one and a half hours, and in the end was only because by some freak occurence that it was actually just electronically compressed (in other words switched off for those who don't know technical speech).

Sound problems not withstanding, immediately after the feedback fiasco came the 'left-alicya-behind' incident. Yes, I left one of my passengers behind after church to my own utter surprise and embarassment. Oh she was gracious about it, but I can't help but dread what she was really thinking... That was quite dumb.

Just to add insult to injury, SS and I was almost late for J's surprise. Funny that on this particular day there was not a single parking spot to be had in and around Carlton Gardens. Of course, we were ALMOST late, so at least it wasn't as bad as it could have been...

By evening, things were looking slightly more better, though the lack of sleep from the night before was now taking its toll. Drowsiness, coupled with the events of the day, made for a really anti-social recluse who only wanted to play Winning Eleven. That was indeed what I ended up doing, and was late for J's dinner.

There was a somewhat dubious event that sort of sugar-coated an amusingly weird day. The Fall that Almost Fallen on me. I shall say no more lest I harm some poor person's dignity and honour, but let's just say I 'handled' the situation as well as I could have....

*chuckle chuckle