An Optical Answer

Here is the answer for that other post... quite an interesting thing right?

Our eyes often deceive us. In this case, it was merely the perceived shadow on the blocks that made it look like different colours. Merely. It doesn't take much for us to be deceived. Where then can we rely on truth?

Sometimes, what we see is what we get. But most times, what we see is hardly anything to go by. Because we are all flawed. We are all blind to some extent.

Greatest Moments

Perhaps the greatest moments in history and in human consciousness are the same moments that will be remembered for their supreme hardships, their incomprehensible atrocities, their utter hopelessness, and the type of enduring peoples that stuck up their noses and carried on through.

And only during such times are the acts of good men and women ever seen at the forefront. Only during trying times are heroes both named and unnamed emerge. It is only during these times that we are able to discern the righteous from the wicked, the upright and the liar.

It is during these times that we are able to see that indeed the Lord is good.

Brokeness

Psalms 51:8 simply says:

Make me hear joy and gladness, that the bones You have broken may rejoice.


What else can one say? To rejoice in brokeness... what other philosophy on earth advocates total surrender? Yet it is so real. Not like the pretentous non-sense of self-help manuals, or even the ancient ways of Buddhism, superstitious beliefs of Taoism, or the self-righteousness of Islam.

I'd realise that in that last statement, I'd just blatantly smeared millions of people's beliefs. But I make no apology. The truth hurts, but it shall set you free.

That last quote, contrary to many secular beliefs, is a Christian principle. Oh man, the truth hurts.

Commentary on the last post

shoot i realised suddenly that I can write!

man you'd wouldn't believe it but I churned that load out from last post in 10 minutes max. The little bit of emotional teary moment notwithstanding.

and its not like its total garbage and hobpotch of unintelligible nonsense that doesn't carry any meaningful story or message. It can rightfully be called alittle piece of literature I'd say. Maybe I'm just being pretentious. Preposterous.

Regardless, I'd meant every word of it. Including the part about suicide and controlling death. I'd being there. Sounds foolishly idealistic if you'd ask me now; a vain fantasy that amounts to little real value.

And even though every word of it rings true to me at this moment, I know its selfish to even think that this is the end of the world for me. God knows how many others go through the same pains and cry out to Him around the world in one milisecond. And He alone knows how many others go through alot worse. But to each his own I suppose; someone very wise once told me that thought the world may be worse off than you are, what you experience is just as valid and meaningful than everyone else, its just a matter of perspective. I was for awhile dumbfounded and an awkward silence ensued. But now I get it.

By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did; by faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; by faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family; by faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later recieve as his inheritance though he knew not at the time, obeyed and went; by faith Abraham, even though he was past age - and Sarah herself was barren - was enabled to become a father because he considerd Him faithful who had made the promise; the list goes on, but the point is all of them were still living by faith when they died. They did not recieve the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country - a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.

Each person here experienced different circumstances. No one can compare each. But to God they placed their lives and trusted. And God was well pleased, because they had faith. Strange that this last passage could very much have being about people I know today as opposed to people who were alive thousands of years ago. Yes its a passage in the Bible of all books... for some this may come as a surprise; its adapted from Hebrews 11.

We need faith in the lift engineerer whenever we use a lift; what's stopping us from having faith in the God who created the universe whenever we do life and life do us in? Its a simple paradigm shift. By faith...

What I'd thought it won't be...

Most times people go through life thinking they've got it mapped out.

Yes, people structure life into segments. Of sweet sweet childhood, of teenage angsty years, of the turbulent young adult phase, of moving into working adult, middle age with all its assorted crisises, retirement. Then of course there is the all-out end of death, which we all so very much try to be prepared and planned for.

I mean, don't you? 'This is the time for getting a degree'. 'This is the time for finding a job and getting a salary'. blah blah blah. 'By the time I am 25 I must be married'. blah blah blah. The list goes on. And all the while we have this mental image of who we will be in 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 years time. As if we'd know for sure. As if that's how things should really be.

I've got a dream once. I dreamt that I would be an artist. I dreamt I would fill galleries of my charcoal paintings and sell them off one by one and make a living in some penthouse/studio like Issac Mendez. That was when I was 15. I did a most marvelous thing that year, and that is I was one of the few brilliant artists in my school who did a thing most charitable to an elderly home by putting up wall paintings and murals so that the folks living there won't just have drab walls to look at in their spare time (and believe me they had alot of spare time, much to their own surprise). I got that to point to when people say that I wouldn't make it as an artist. Added to that is the fact that I am the highest scoreholder in my class in Studio Art class. All the Art teachers know me, some of whom I was on first name basis with.

I thought that by the time I was 22 and out of uni after doing a wonderful Art course that I would come out ready to charge straight into a studio and churn out masterpieces. I thought that by the time I was 30 I'd own my own gallery. By the time I was 40 I'd get married and go on extended honeymoons. That by the time I was 50 I'd try my hand at controlling my own death and the way I'd go out by committing suicide or something in some suitably grand style for such a grand life.

What I'd thought it would be.

Truth is I'd never got into Art school. My folio wasn't enough by the time I was 17. My parents made me concentrate on the Math and the English. Art went out the window. I graduated with a high score but no dreams. I faced mountains (for a 17 year old) of decision-making the likes of which I wasn't really prepared for. What will I do now? And in all that confusion I just merely looked at what's available and chose Psychology coz it 'sounded suitably interesting' compared to say Commerce, and I didn't really know what Anthropology and Media studies and Creative Writing was all about.

And so I entered uni as a 1st year Psych student. I started dreaming that I would be a forensic psych one day, or some clinical neuropsych after getting a high score for that component in 1st year. I started to, as I did 2 years before, make plans. I would be in Honours by 21, finish Masters by 23, practice at a hospital for 5 or 6 building client base and move on to private practive by the time I was 30. I would marry someone somewhere along the line and life would be good. I'd own my own M5 and go for drives in the city. My family would retire in Queensland and I'd visit them every now and then. I would go overseas and work, maybe back to Hong Kong, or Singapore. Or maybe even the US.

Plans. How futile.

at 21 I was doing work in a warehouse, having missed the mark into Honours. Don't rightly know why. Someone else had similar scores than I yet I missed out. Life happens I suppose. Never worry as I can just adjust my plans one year back. Nothing to worry about. and indeed I got in the year after, having done nothing academic for one whole year I found myself accepted again. My career is not over. Not yet. See? All the planning came to fruition. I got up and went in early for everything; I met up with my supervisor earlier than others, I went to seminars and got to know a couple of people as contacts, I went away and did my readings. I was eager to start. I was eager to show all of them who I am.

What I'd thought it won't be.

Who's to blame for the timetabling error that set me back three weeks of useful work? I missed the first three weeks of lectures. Who's to blame for the ridiculous amount of time spent behind the wheel travelling from one campus to another, and then to home? Who's to blame for my misunderstanding my supervisor and reading up too broadly for two weeks and having that work turn up useless? Who's to blame for my own family life, where suddenly I am the man of the house and I got this whole list of other priorities on my mind? Who's to blame that I was born incapable of multi-tasking and having a pre-disposition for ill organisation of time and tasks?

And now I stand at the threshold of yet another failure of my plans. I stand at the threshold of seeing life as I'd thought it won't be. Who's to know, right? Hah.

Don't take pity on me. There is nothing to be pitiful about. Life just happens. And there is nothing we mere mortals can do about it. What's new under the sun? History Boys had a brilliant quote for this: "Told'ya, history is just one bloody thing after another.".

Cougher

A wracking cough threatens to take away a good night sleep, and possibly my voice (for the second time in a month). I have being sick, physically, but I suspect, also sick in other ways...

1.52am. Man. And to think I have a long day ahead of me...

Backbone

Have I changed?
Is the Cross really as powerful as people make it out to be?
Who was I before I came to the Cross?
Who am I now?

All I can say is that maybe the Cross have given me a backbone.

But I still make for a lousy witness. If so, I may as well be back on that broad highway.

Wonderful

hey, aint life wonderful? wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... isnt it wonderful
Now?

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope its over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when youre little
And the worlds so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that its all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends wont know
When the bell rings I just dont wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I dont believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when youre little
And the world is so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I dont wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna meet your friends
And I dont wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now...

I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now...

Are we all living a lie? Is this really all there is to life? To freedom?

What is one second to you?

Inspiration came at the flourish of the second hand, and in that instant I had an answer. One second was all it seemed to have took, but I knew better; it had to take a lot more than mere reaction and spur-of-the-moment thought. They say that insight is the result of first taking in a question, a brief moment of conscious thought, followed by an extended period of subconscious incubation, leading finally to the moment where the insight or inspiration suddenly emerges back into conscious thought. But yet, somehow, that doesn't seem to be how it had happened either.

All it took was one second: one moment where the world no longer seem to matter. A slightest instance when the Truth confronts me and I was blown away. Microsecond? Nanosecond? It was like a crack on the timeline; a seemingly random occurance that suddenly splits the present from the past. When my mind had finally registered exactly what changes had occurred as a result of that moment, it had been well past five or six months; the reality of being a Christian hits home, even though changes had been occurring throughout that inteval time. No longer was my mouth full of curses and foulness, no longer was my vision of the future covered and blurred, no longer did life seem as empty as a milk carton on a saturaday morning, the dreariness had gone away.

One second that changes life as I knew it. Yes, I am sure that was all the time that it took.

Meant to Live

I feel like screaming. The weight presses down. The air itself is suffocating. There is no place to go, no room to move. There is only the illusion of eternity, and the stifling heat of dread, forever locked in some prison of fear and uncertainty. No... I was meant to live for so much more...

Cancer of the Mind

Ideas sometimes just appear from seemingly no source. Ideas for all forms of craziness, all forms of nastiness, all forms of sweetness, all forms of charity. But where did they all come from? Just as soon as I turn and address them they would flee and be gone; none seems capable of tarrying longer than it takes for me to I tie them down.

To me it seems as if they were cancers, great menacing tumors that sprout out from nothing. Maybe thats what ideas are, tumors of the mind. There are those who lived in history who had diseases of the mind, yet their brilliance is unmatched in their generation. Great minds like Stephen Hawking, and Albert Einstein. Not to say that one needs brain tumours or MND to be brilliant, but one cannot deny that there is always something a bit abnormal in the minds of those who bring something unseen before to the world.

Maybe to change the world requires something abnormal, something ab-human...

Esther - A Story for Today

God is not mentioned once in the pages that bear the name of Esther. Yet in the unfolding drama of the Bible, this chapter of history shows that God doesn’t have to be mentioned to be present.

The story of Esther is a timeless tribute to the God who doesn’t have to be announced or understood to be present. He is the God of the sleepless night and the surprise ending. He is the God who works for us in the darkness, confusion, and fears of our lives.

What is inspiring about this story is that it is not all about Esther. It’s a story about the God who, while being our provider and protector, can use us to bring help to others. Who can say when we, like Esther, may find ourselves looking into the eyes of destiny as we contemplate the needs of a hurting child, a lonely neighbor, a frightened co-worker, or a disillusioned mate? Who can say that heaven has not brought us to this place—for such a time as this? (Esther 4:14).

- http://www.rbc.org/been_thinking_about/08/01/05.aspx

A Scanner Darkly

"What does a scanner see? I mean, really see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does a passive infrared scanner ... see into me - into us - clearly or darkly? I hope it does see clearly, because I can't any longer these days see into myself. I see only murk. Murk outside; murk inside. I hope, for everyone's sake, the scanners do better. Because if the scanner sees only darkly, the way I myself do, then we are cursed, cursed again and like we have been continually, and we'll wind up dead this way, knowing very little and getting that little fragment wrong too."

- Bob Arctor, Chapter 11, A Scanner Darkly by Phillip K. Dick, 1977.

Now made into a major motion picture. Directed by Richard Linklater. Starring Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder.

A series of events

Today was a stressful and eventful day. Normally on this blog I don't bother recording every nitty-gritty detail of my day-to-day living, unlike some blogs that I have came across where it is just about this or that day in in bed with a cold or that day out going to this mall that the person has been everyother blog post only THIS TIME, its different, somehow. No I don't bother with that sort of blogs, nor do I intend to make this one of them. Sorry to the folks who do, but I don't.

Today was a stressful and eventful day. Still in HKSAR, where the weather is FI-INE~! with the usual smoggy haze (or hazy smog?) covering the islands. I was going to a museum on Dr Sun Yat-Sen, the first successful Chinese republican revolutionary, who in 1911 successfully initiated an uprising in Qing dynasty Wuchang province (I learnt that today!). I recieved a phone call while I was walking, and it turned out that the flight I was on the waiting list for has became available to me and therefore I can stay in HKSAR for an extra five days. I had previously wanted to do so because of my grandmother who wanted me at her birthday dinner which would have been after the 1st when I was supposed to leave. But now that the dinner was moved forwards in order to accomodate me I did not need to. But I did it anyways and so now I leave on the 6th.

Half an hour or so later, when I was in the museum, I recieved another phone call. This time it was my mum. She wanted to ask me to buy something extra to bring back, and I took the opportunity to tell her that I will be back later than expected. Now she was a bit annoyed. No she was not very happy. Actually she was a bit below furious. Ok maybe not so extreme but she was otherwise not fully supportive of my decision to stay longer than needed in HKSAR; I had of course other things that I could have done in Melbourne such as work and also some house chores that only a guy can do. Sorry ladies, no offense. She was telling me that I should keep the family in my head more often, and should have thought of the family before I decided to postpone my flight unnecessarily, which was rightly so coz I had only wanted to stay because I like it here. But my family is in Melbourne, and do need me and I was a selfish jerk. Not my mum's words exactly, but my spin on it anyhow. She told me that it was my decision, that I can still decide, but that I should decide with family in mind that's all, and so she left it at that.

After the call, I immediately tried calling the airline, but they were on lunch break. I went on to lunch myself and called back later to see whether I can reverse my decision from before. At this point only an hour and fifteen minutes have past from my mum's call, but already there was no seats which was to my expectation. I asked to be waitlisted again for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th. I doubted, though, whether I would be able to get on any flights in those dates.

With my flight details uncertain, I still decided to call my mum back just to update her. So I called the office only to find out that she had left already. When I got her on the mobile I told her everything about the flights and the waiting list. She nodded her way through, and then she suddenly dropped a bombshell: my sister was just involved in a car accident, exactly half an hour before. I'd thought I heard wrongly with all the earwax in my right ear or something, but it was true, she drove through a stop sign and didn't spot a car coming from the left. The collision pushed the car to the right and she slammed into a parked car on the right. God be thanked that no one was injured badly, but it was rightly a shock for all. She's only just gotten her probationary license for a month. Her name was not in the insurance policy. She was at fault. I found out later that there could be an excess of AUD$2050 to pay to the insurance company.

My mum told me this and broke down. She said that she tried calling my dad when she found out but couldn't reach him as usual. Ever since the break-up my dad never picked up if he knew it was her. She told me it was more than she could handle, and told me that this is exactly the reason why she was telling me to keep the family in mind; don't be a selfish jerk like my dad. She broke down as I told her that I will, and I will try to change, and that she'd need not worry too much; all the usual crap that I say but never much more than that I am ashamed to say. She'd told me that as well in the first phone call at the museum. She'd told me a lot more, and now this has happened, right when I had just postponed my flight out of selfishness, right when she had just told me to think of the family, right when we don't have much money, right when the family has lost its head and is now walking on purely by faith, and new found faith at that. And here I am overseas having my holiday.

"God speaks in the language you know best— not through your ears, but through your circumstances." (My Utmost, 29th Jan) I was sitting in the tram (yes, HKSAR has trams, but only on Hong Kong Island) pondering these words which I had just read a couple of days ago. I was wondering what God was speaking to me. I told Him I don't know what the point of all this is, why one thing after another, why all in the last ten months. It is exactly like the Chinese saying 'Falling into a well, only to have a stone come down after', or literal translation 'Down well throw stone'. I was wondering all this, all with only one single answer that I got from my head: God is Sovereign.

I am currently reading Job. Such a great book. Elihu puts it wonderfully:

"Why do you contend with Him?
For He does not give an accounting of any of His words"

There is nothing that God does without a valid reason. But when He does something, He indeed does not need to explain it to mere mortals like us. Do we tell a car why we need to go to some destination on a cold winter's day? Do we tell a dog why it needs to be put down? Neither the car nor the dog would understand our reasons purely because we are on a level higher than they.

"For God may speak in one way, or in another,
Yet man does not percieve it."

Why then do I contend with Him?

I felt like hitting myself. I felt like I had wronged my Lord Jesus yet again, and He shakes His head at my folly. I am not sure if He really did, but that was how I felt, sitting there in that tightly packed tram, unable to stretch out, unable to talk, hardly able to concentrate.

Later on a bus up to the Peak, the highest point (obviously) on Hong Kong Island where I had spent most of my day today, I was thinking back to the start of Job, when he had just lost his property, and his sons. He said those famous words:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Job wasn't a fool all the time, even if he was for much of the book. I shall not be made a fool as well.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there is pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You poured out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say:

Blessed be the name of the Lord!

No Stars in the HKSAR

Hong Kong just doesn't have the sky for stars. As a star-deprived son of an overpopulated metropolis I journeyed down south. I still remember the very first time I laid eyes on the glorious tapestry of what must have been God's cape draped majestically across Heaven... I never gave it much thought.

But as I saw it each late night I return to my abode, I found myself bewildered by the sheer amount of tiny beacons that dot the night sky of my new home. Each with its distinct blue reddish silver pink, winking at me from the horizon, or piercingly staring from on high. Some clear moonless nights I would even see shadows of stardust (nebulae) displayed in the blank spaces between stars.

One day I decided that I would get a telescope one day when I have enough money. I would put it on my balcony at the back and just scope out each star one at a time. I would let my eyes roam across Heaven's jewels, God's own treasury.

And so it is...

I realise that I probably haven't updated my blog as often as I should, and frankly, I think for the past few weeks I couldn't care less. Sorry.

Hah, why am I saying sorry?! A monumental battle rages inside my head and I apologise for not updating a BLOG? Why that's absurd! Fight that battle first before entertaining any notion of writing, lest the battle spills into the words like wildfire, creating chaos in content, disparities and conflicts at every paragraph.

What battle? I always say that my mind is like the Houses of Parliament, full of discord, division, and disagreements. And lately the discord rages about God and the future, the division about relationships, the disagreements about family. A battle that had still not being resolved; one that may never completely be won.

They say for anyone to truly believe, there must also be a time of doubt as well. Maybe I am going through that, maybe I am just confused, maybe I am just not faithful enough, maybe I am feeling unworthy again. I don't know.

Maybe I just need to listen more and complain less. Let His words come like a quiet whisper in a rushing wind. Let me just hear Him. Let what I hear be a lamp unto my feet. Amen.