Laughing at the absurdity of my predicament

There is absolutely nothing that can ever hope to replace God in the life of a true Christian. One of the things I have always tried to do is be a true Christian and not make a bad name for God’s people. However, there are many things for which I am not proud of, things that I had done and continue to do, thoughts that should not be entertained been entertained, fantasies that should never be allowed to fester festered. And yet I wonder why God is not more powerful in my life! Absurd! Folly!

Not that God is not already powerful in my life; He is my ultimate source of strength, and He has done many great things. Like the old hymn sang: count your many blessings one by one, name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord hath done! He has indeed blessed me, and watched over me in all things that I do and do not do. No its not that God is powerless in my life; but rather He is restricted in my life. So long as I continue to live in sin and fail to turn my face fully to Jesus, to behold Him in all His majesty and to allow Him to be the only Lord of my life, then God shall never be who He truly can be.

Recently I have come once again to this realisation: that let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with God (1Cor 7:24). Wherever I am, whatever thing I am doing, abide in Him! Be married to God, and then God can come through in all things. Once my concentration is upon God, and once I have divorced myself from all other things, be it the rejoicing of the world, or the sadness of world, be it my education or my future aspirations; once I empty my mind to allow God to enter in, then all the limits of my life would truly be under the control and mastery of God. What, I hear you say, did I hear right? Did you just say you traded freedom of choice for being under the control of God? Yes, for that is the meaning of surrender. And who else would I trust my life upon? Who better than God? But what about choice? What about what YOU want? What about it? What choice have I made that ever was a wise one? I know my own heart, as I am sure you do too, that I have made no decision that has ever been beneficial to myself in the long run. Sure I got the high for the moment, sure I had money, and sure I had independence and freedom. But all of it is restricted by my own flesh; my own mortality and my own physical, mental, and emotional limits prevents me from attaining contentment, let alone happiness. I had relied on myself for fulfilment and have failed miserably countless times. I’d rather place my trust in the one who created all things; He at least knows what He is doing. Yes I shall surrender my all to God, for He is not limited as I, He has plans to prosper, never to harm. Let Him do with me as He wishes. (a much harder thing to do of course, but at least I am willing to try…)

All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live

All to Jesus I surrender
Humbly at His feet I bow
Worldly pleasures all forsaken
Take me, Jesus, take me now

I surrender all
I surrender all…

One moment a thousand moments

Each step grew heavier, weariness took me, and for a moment I did not know where I was.

Looking back, I saw the distinct moment of the first lecture: the flurry of quick steps, the deafening roar of the amphitheatre filled with eager young faces, the books shuffling in my pack, the air smelling stale full of old seats. I saw myself looking out the Bailieu Library window watching the rain make patterns on the clear glass; a sliver of the cold somehow managed to creep back and touch me even under all those robes. I saw the clock in Union House that never works and could not help but chuckle. I saw the desk back in Giblin, and the dead air within that seemed to encase my senses. I saw the worship at Easter camp '04, when all in the world seem to be in exactly the right place at the right time. I saw... wires, amps, and mikes... I saw the gust of wind that nearly knocked me over but for the people standing by me, the Holy Spirit so strong. I saw in one moment a thousand moments, and my knees felt weak: has it really been three years only?

The Dean's voice echoed yet again, and the rapturous applause that followed seems to suddenly die almost as soon as it starts. Its din seems to fill the space and echo about. A mass of black cloth approached another mass of black cloth trimmed with gold rims and a square hat. Overhead the man loomed upon the wall, reaching through sculpted clouds for sculpted elightenment. I smiled at it, thinking of its symbolic absurdity. Then my name echoed in the air.

Born to make a choice

There are times when I still wonder about the meaning of being alive. Despite going through The Purpose Driven Life, and reading the Bible, and praying, and God knows how much more other things related to the meaning of life, sometimes I still cannot shake the feeling that I just don't know why I exist. Those are the times when I feel the most useless, or when I feel so depressed where everything that is happening to me seem insurmountable and horribly wrong. It is almost as if nothing in the world made sense, and I am reminded of the utter futility of existence in this universe.

Always, whenever such a time came upon me, I would remember what I have read in Ecclesiastes, that book of wisdom indeed! One line wrote:

"What profit hath a man of all his labour which he taketh under the sun? One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth for ever." - ch.1 v3-4.

Nothing that I could ever do will be lasting, nothing will come of it that is noteworthy enough to last; when I feel so down, I don't feel like doing anything at all, not even eating, and that's saying a lot. A world that is harsh, that is nothing but suffering and sadness, so much shit that we are walking knee-deep in it. What is wrong with this place? Why must people do this sort of thing to each other? Sometimes its difficult to even breathe, knowing that all that will do is lengthen my stay here.

What is the meaning of chasing after an education? Why look for a job? All things are so meaningless that Solomon had it right when he described it as chasing after the wind: it is utterly pointless.

But just as Solomon finally woke up from his confusion in writing book, I also finally woke up. Indeed life can seem pointless and meaningless, but only after I made a choice to have it so. I realised that things only became pointless when I allowed them to. And the point is once again God. I don't think it can get any more cliche, but the answer always always lies with God.

Indeed, all things find meaning when dedicated to Him, and that is what I do; I do it for God. I breathe my next breath for Him, I eat because He has seen to putting food on earth for all to partake with thanks, I find a job so that God can work through me into the workplace, I study to honour God had blessed me with the privilege, I smile because I know that God is there in it, I speak with others because I know God speaks through me.

As long as God is in me, He will always be with me, and He never leaves. Thus I am assured that nothing I do, nothing that happens, no circumstance nor blessing, is ever without meaning, because I already have found the answer in Him who calls, Him who is the all-in-all, the Alpha and the Omega. In Him I am assured that I was born with good reason, that is to make a choice. Follow Christ and believe, or walk the meaningless pointless path. It may not seem much of a choice, but all we have to do is look around and see how many people seem unable to decide, or walk in the latter, a fact that both puzzles me and saddens. I guess they really are under the spirit of stupor with eyes that cannot see, ears that cannot hear, as it was written (Romans 11:8). All the more reason for those who are not blinded and deaf to step into the gap!

To all those who supported me...

~ Thanks guys and gals for your support and prayers! ~

The Fortunate Fool

"Let no man decieve himself. If any man among you seemth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise.

For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness.

And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain.

Therefor let no man glory in men."

1Cor 3:18-21 (KJV)

Thank God that He would rather me be a fool for God than wise!! I am a fool, the archetype of a imprudent man, reckless. My existence upon the world is marked time and time again by great acts of thoughtlessness. Take my word for it; if you had known me in my youth, when I was but a pup before Jesus found me, you would most certainly agree. Indeed, I am still a fool; many things I do though with good intentions, never seem to be done with any degree of wisdom.

Take for example a thing I did a long time ago: it was a moment in the dark, turbulent history from whence my person had been shaped, a night to remember even if I never wanted to. During the summer of my Eleventh year, when school was about to end, there is what's known as a traditional Muck-Up Day, usually played out to its frightfully chaotic conclusion by Twelth year students making the best of their last days of secondary education. I on the other hand, was just a junior compared with them, but most of my friends back then had been in Year 12. So there I was following them through in their plan to raid a sister school. The plan had been laid down two months beforehand, and all eight of us had a part in it.

Just a brief reprieve from the main narrative, a little background about my school and the types that I had generally gravitated towards. It is a local boy's college, Catholic, and generally very larrikin Austra'ian character. Although not a school famous for young punks and delinquents, there are still a very prevalent sub-culture of gangs and drug-users. My year level was by far the 'cleanest', but the year above mine was by far one of the worst (strange dynamic by any measure). In my final three years at this school, I had became embroiled in this sub-culture, and naturally gravitated towards these older guys who seem to share my mood and temperament. My school has an all-girls sister school also in the suburbs not far away (by the standards of suburban living: about 10 minutes drive away from my school).

Now the plan is in motion, and the long awaited day has come. Two car load of us went to the appointed place with the equipment. These included a crowbar (of sorts), meshwire cutter, and a bag of bricks. It was about mid-evening, about 8 or 9, and the road around the school was empty and quiet. I remember hearing a dog barking somewhere in the background, almost as if warning me not to go ahead. The air stung my eyes and nose from the sheer dryness and the days heat was rising from the asphalt pavement. All of us was still wearing our school uniform as we had not gone home - it was muck-up day.

We moved in two groups, the first carrying the stuff to break into the school grounds itself, and the second carried the bricks. What we were intending to do was not attempted before, nor ever had been attempted again (I don't mean to sound like we were so COOL in doing this, but that was the initial reason why we did it). I moved with the first group, and we cut through the meshwire fence with ease. We made a hole big enough for all of us to crawl through, and helped pull the bag of bricks in as well. Once again we set off for our objective; one of the larger computer labs at this school.

By now the last rays of sunlight were disappearing over the horizon, and the shadows grew long and thick. But we were all elated from the adreneline, and were shaking from the thrill of the 'mission'. We all felt like commandoes doing some covert op in foreign territory. We made our way through the school grounds quickly and quietly, without making too much noise, though we were excitedly whispering to each other and goading each other on. By the time we reached the computer lab, we were all so high on the adreneline, the pot that we were smoking, and the beer we were guzzling down, we all broke in the windows with our bricks instead of using the crowbar to force the door in. Instead of taking a few computers and replacing them with a brick as a joke (most things done during muck-up day were done in the name of a joke - though not always funny for everyone), we ended up trashing ALL the computers with the bricks. The extent of damage was later estimated to be in the tens of thousands of dollars.

We were there for an unknown amount of time, none of us could remember; all I can remember, is that one of us heard the siren of a police car from afar off, and shouting from outside the lab. We broke into a run, abandoning everything, and made for our cars. I saw no one, no security guard, no police, until we reached the hole in the fence where we broke in. I fled on foot, not wanting to get into the car, but some of my friends went in and were stopped by the police car not far down the road. One friend fled with me, his name shall be Mike just for the sake of privacy, and we ran as far as we could, before jumping into someone's yard and hiding amongst the bushes. We saw the police car go by once, and its only until it was close to midnight were we confident enough to venture back out onto the street. We found our way to another friend's house (one who did not participate) and bunked there for the night.

Mike and I did not find out that our friends had all been arrested and given a very harsh warning before being released until the next day at school. To this day, no authorities found out about me and Mike's role in all of this, and apparently my friends did not say our names either. Indeed, at the time we counted ourselves lucky, and thanked the friends for not dobbing us in, to which one of them said "What are you talking about, they never asked!". I know not how this should be so, but now I look back, all I could say is that there was a moment when God really did something for me, though I did not acknowledge Him, let alone gave Him gratitude.

So indeed, I was a fool. And still I am a fool, with one added difference: I am a fool for God, and as Adrian shared during Easter camp, let me be a fool for God all the days of my life.

A Brilliant Band of Light

"Remember, remember the fifth of November...

... the gunpowder treason and plot. I know of now reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot."

In 1605, Guy Fawkes attempted to blow up the Houses of Parliament.

He was caught with enough gunpowder to level most of London.

Sometimes I wonder where we would be had he hadn't failed.

I suppose the answer is in the rhyme. More than the man, what we must remember is the plot itself.

For in the plot we find more than just a man, we find the idea of that man, the spirit of that man, and that is what we must never forget.

This, then, is the story of that idea, of that spirit that began with an anarchist's plot four hundred years ago.

And with that starts one of my favorite movies recently......

Excerpt from "V for Vendetta: the Movie" written by Larry and Andy Wachowski

It's the sense of touch...

Graham: It's the sense of touch.

Ria: ...What?

Graham: Any real city, you walk, you're bumped, brush past people. In L.A., no one touches you...
We're always behind metal and glass. Think we miss that touch so much, we crash into
each other just to feel something.

He looks to the driver, Ria, American-born Hispanic, thirties, heart racing, breathing hard, but watching Graham with real concern. A motorcycle cop appears at her open window.

Motorcyle Cop: You two alright?

Ria: I think he mighta hit his head.

Graham: You don't think that's true?

Motorcyle Cop: Stay in your car.

(Excerpt from motion-picture "Crash"; Story Paul Haggis)

Poetry? POETRY?

To all those people who asked me "are those poems you have there?": yes, I do have poems and lyrics posted! It also follows that I should say: yes, I AM a fan of poetry, though if you asked me to recite a famous line by a certain poet of some by-gone era I wouldn't have a clue where to start! Mine is more of an acquired taste for expressive words, not some comprehensive poetry nut.

Disclaimer: This comment was not meant to cause any offense or undue distress to anyone in particular. Indeed that was not the intention (though it may have been the original intention, I don't know; at least somewhere along the line while I was typing it I repented); I merely wanted to state that I LIKE POETRY, in songs or otherwise.

More than what I see today...

I love it when I see great poetry in songs; this one particularly touched me.

"There's more that rises in the morning than the sun
More that shines in the night than just the moon
There's more than just the fire here that keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger than this room

There's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment
A music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of earth competes for the allegience
I owe only to the giver of all things

So if I stand, let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you
If I sing, let me sing for the joy that has born in me these songs
But if I weep, let it be as a man who is longing for his home"

Extracted from 'If I Stand' by Jars of Clay

The Last Night of March 2006

Homecell is so good this night! Steamboat was just fantastic, we had a great time just hanging out as a cell group, also had a time of praise and worship sing-song to the Lord, as well as Bible study (well, I think we all tried to concentrate as we were all so exhausted, or maybe that is just me?). How great is God in help putting together this group of dedicated followers and lovers of Christ!! Really need to thank Him, yeah!

Hey, I think I just published the first post on this blog that is actually POSITIVE about something! What a wonderful surprise that the first thing to come out of this vaguely spherical object protuding from my shoulders this night is not whining in the guise of 'poetry'... (heh, can they really be called that?); and how appropriate that the first positive thing on this blog is about my cell group! This is not just me trying to be nice coz at the moment probably most of the readers of this blog belong to my cell (!!), but indeed what I am thinking, coz I simply just love and enjoy cell so much! hmm, I don't quite know what I am getting myself into now after saying that... but I suspect it won't be anything of the embarassing nature? *hint hint*

Just wanna say an especial farewell for Jingaling! Good luck and God Bless with the architechture opportunity! Make lots of friends and may you always remain in the steadfast faithful presence of our Lord, ever ready to love and serve Him. There is a REASON why you are there you know, and I pray to God that His mighty will be done and have a great impact for you during your sojourn back home (is that a oxymoron??). Its been great serving beside you in OCF, as well as being in same cell as you! Will miss you most definitely (and I am not alone)! Take care!

Now upon all of this positive haze and hype I shall retire. Of I go to bed.

Thinking about the long stretch of my poor old legs and the chill touch of the sheets just after I hop in already. Dreams abound awaits me, and with each passing thought the serene embrace of sleep beckons me. Perhaps I sho..................ZzzZzZzzzzZ