Perhaps a Bit more Bitter than Sweet

The failings of the past did not matter. The uncertain future did not matter. As the doors slid shut, nothing mattered. All that mattered was beyond that which could be seen now. In that instant, I knew that one thing has ended, but yet another is spread out before me ready to begin. It is indeed something different, something that could be difficult, but ultimately, I am sure and assured that nothing can be more worth it.

To you: goodbyes are bittersweet, perhaps a bit more bitter than sweet, but I shall also say that
goodbyes are not forever.

None But Jesus

In the quiet
In the stillness I know
That you are God
In the secret
Of Your presence i know
There I am restored.

When You call i won't refuse
Each new day again I chose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos
In confusion I know
Your sovereign still
In the moment
Of my weakness You give
Your grace to do Your will

When You call I won't refuse
Each new day again I chose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord
Forevermore

What is one second to you?

Inspiration came at the flourish of the second hand, and in that instant I had an answer. One second was all it seemed to have took, but I knew better; it had to take a lot more than mere reaction and spur-of-the-moment thought. They say that insight is the result of first taking in a question, a brief moment of conscious thought, followed by an extended period of subconscious incubation, leading finally to the moment where the insight or inspiration suddenly emerges back into conscious thought. But yet, somehow, that doesn't seem to be how it had happened either.

All it took was one second: one moment where the world no longer seem to matter. A slightest instance when the Truth confronts me and I was blown away. Microsecond? Nanosecond? It was like a crack on the timeline; a seemingly random occurance that suddenly splits the present from the past. When my mind had finally registered exactly what changes had occurred as a result of that moment, it had been well past five or six months; the reality of being a Christian hits home, even though changes had been occurring throughout that inteval time. No longer was my mouth full of curses and foulness, no longer was my vision of the future covered and blurred, no longer did life seem as empty as a milk carton on a saturaday morning, the dreariness had gone away.

One second that changes life as I knew it. Yes, I am sure that was all the time that it took.

Meant to Live

I feel like screaming. The weight presses down. The air itself is suffocating. There is no place to go, no room to move. There is only the illusion of eternity, and the stifling heat of dread, forever locked in some prison of fear and uncertainty. No... I was meant to live for so much more...

Love beyond reason

Something about revival, and the continual, unfailing, undying love of God fills me with the most utmost disgust of myself; me, this wretched creature prone to bouts of sinfulness and rebellion, yet at the same time full of awe and love for this most wonderful and marvelous of saviours: the Saviour, Lord of lords, King of kings. I don't know how to put it exactly, but I do think that sometimes, I abuse the grace freely given to me, if ever there was a way fo abusing something that is supposed to be unlimited, covering everything. Sometimes, the thought of God withdrawing forever such a gift fills me with dread, and gives me cold sweat in the middle of the night, when my rebelling mind would come to rest and contemplate on the day's actions; evaluating oh ever so much more evaluation. I would come to the conclusion that God has limited patience, that He will eventually get so tired of rescuing me from myself that He would just give up and leave me to Satan.

But yet somehow, I also know that my God does not lose to the Devil. He does not 'give up' on anybody because to do so would mean He admits defeat at the hands of His own creation. No my God is all-powerful, and none who contends with Him shall succeed. No defeat in this case only occurs because I myself have given up; I myself have let myself down, not God. No matter how deep a downward spiral I go down, somehow this truth still stays afloat for me to see, and be reminded of the absolute love beyond all reason, the love that is all that I need. That love which caused the father to wait on the lost son day and night, without rest, without ever giving up hope of one day seeing him again. Each time this truth would light up even as I step into the most dire and most lowest and darkest part of my own private hell in my head; even when I am in Sheol, God's love penetrates, and lifts me up out of that darkness and into the light, just as Jonah was vomited out of the big fish.

Why would God do that? I have no clue...
I have indeed:
"Found love, beyond all reason..."

Shrooomm...................

coz i'm leaving...on a jet plane...
but iknow that I will be back SOON...

Leaving Hong Kong soon, but I know I will be back soon. Well, if things goes well, and I manage to go to W's wedding that is. but I even if I don't, I know I will probably be back by the end of the year. haiz, my cousins would be another year older, but other than that, nothing much would change here. Just the same old memories; long ago ones, the blurry vividness type.

Will miss it once again...

A Challenge

To Set the captives free
To Break Bondages
To Find those who are Lost
To Bring Light to the Dark
To Herald the coming of our Lord
To Bring nations to Christ
To LOVE

Amen

Cancer of the Mind

Ideas sometimes just appear from seemingly no source. Ideas for all forms of craziness, all forms of nastiness, all forms of sweetness, all forms of charity. But where did they all come from? Just as soon as I turn and address them they would flee and be gone; none seems capable of tarrying longer than it takes for me to I tie them down.

To me it seems as if they were cancers, great menacing tumors that sprout out from nothing. Maybe thats what ideas are, tumors of the mind. There are those who lived in history who had diseases of the mind, yet their brilliance is unmatched in their generation. Great minds like Stephen Hawking, and Albert Einstein. Not to say that one needs brain tumours or MND to be brilliant, but one cannot deny that there is always something a bit abnormal in the minds of those who bring something unseen before to the world.

Maybe to change the world requires something abnormal, something ab-human...

Go for God

Yesterday I visited an English speaking congregation reaching out to all English speakers in HKSAR. The name of this church is called The Vine Christian Fellowship. Its congregation consists mostly of English speaking Chinese, some born locally, while others born overseas. There are some Africans, Americans, British ex-pats, and other foreigners who call HKSAR home.

The church is led by two senior pastors and their wives: Tony and Drusilla Read, and John and Sandra Snelgrove. They have been in Hong Kong since the 80s. I've met John and Sandra during Hillsong conferrence last year, and though yesterday I didn't get a chance to say hi, I saw their congregation.

I visited their 6pm service. Asking around, I found out that this church has probably been around for 6-7 years now, and now has about 700 people. They have three services on Sunday, a vibrate youth group for teenagers, and an amazing young adult group known as One-Eighty. I visited One-Eighty on saturday, but didn't have the time to stay for long, but what I saw was a group of passionate post-teen young people who are absolutely for Jesus, and loves each other as well as visitors like me. I spoke with four people in their reception area which they call 'the lounge', where it is a culture for people to 'hang out' immediately after the service. Most of the worship team members also attend One-Eighty, and this church has just recently released a live recording of their own songs!

They had being doing Reinhard Bonnke's "Full Flame" series of sermons, and had being doing so since the beginning of this year. This year is the year where they as a congregation are going to "go for God". Though I only caught a glimpse of what that means, I do get the feeling that this church is going to step up its effort in leading people to Christ. Apart from the push in evangelism, it is also going to step up in its effort to make firm disciples of Christ. They have printed personal journals for everyone in the church, as part of going through the entire Bible together this coming year.

Leaving the church, I got a distinct feeling that this is sort of what OCF should be like. Indeed, as I explained it to my aunty, this church is like an enlarged version of what OCF can become. Let me be as bold to say that this is what OCF will be, if only God is allowed to work through the lives of faithful people willing to just "go for God". This church, like OCF, can be said to 'cater' for a niche group in a strictly economic sense. Just as English speakers in Hong Kong are a small part of the whole population, so too is OCF whose mission is to reach the University campus' through out Australia, with an emphasis on overseas students. Just as this church is pre-dominantly young people who are passionate for God, so too is OCF. But I believe that OCFers in general needs to be even more passionate than we already are, and take up our Cross like our Lord. Each of us needs to rise up to a newer level.

Why not make this year the year to 'go for God'?

Pom is for peace of mind

Take a pill for the pain
Drink some tea for my thoughts
Eat some chilli for the callousness
Grab a sandwich for my sensations
Buy a gold chain for the gregarious cantaloop
I want a Jap for my jarringly apprehensive psychosis
And a Pom for peace of mind.

Logic and Faith

Thinking that logic alone can lead someone to faith is like thinking logic can convince someone that something is beautiful. Imagine driving through Navajo country in the southwest United States with a friend who considers the exquisite landscape just a barren wasteland. Would logic convince him that the landscape is beautiful? For every reason you give to demonstrate its beauty, your friend will counter with a reason for thinking it ugly. You perceive beauty; he doesn't. Mere logic isn't going to change his mind.

Some of the most important things in life transcend logic. No one can devise a logical proof for faith, beauty, or love. If we attempt a "proof" for them, we will be farther from understanding them than when we started. Such things are perceived by more than just our minds. They are perceived by something more profound than mere intellect.

The Bible refers to the center of the human personality as the "heart"¹ , and specifically designates it as the place of faith ( Mark 11:23 , Luke 24:25 ; John 14:1 ; Acts 8:37 ; Romans 10:9 ). This doesn't mean that faith is irrational. Faith can be philosophically and logically defended. But a logical defense of faith is as far from experiencing it as a verbal description of the flavor of strawberries is from their taste in the mouth. The heart includes the function of the mind, but transcends it. The inclination of peoples' hearts, not their intellectual powers, determines whether they will move in the direction of faith or unbelief. Jesus made this clear:

"Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." (John 3:20-21 NIV)

Hatred of truth causes unbelievers to use their rational powers to reject it. Hatred of truth occurs in their hearts. Their rationalizations for rejecting it are the consequence -- not the cause -- of their hatred.

This, too, is why the writer of Hebrews declares:

Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. (Hebrews 11:6 NIV)

The existence of God -- like the existence of love and beauty -- can be logically described. But it cannot be logically proven to someone who doesn't want to believe. Belief in these things requires openness of the heart. While logic can be used to provide evidence for the truth, it can also be used to rationalize evil. Ultimate choices are not only decisions of the mind but also matters of the heart, where logic is only a tool for fashioning a life of truth and goodness, or illusion and evil.

1. In the Bible, the term heart refers to the "whole man, with all his attributes, physical, intellectual, and psychological." (New Bible Dictionary) The meaning of mind, in contrast, is usually limited more specifically to mental abilities.

So the term heart refers to the governing center of man, that part of him that is often referred to with such terms as character, personality, will and mind. Heart is therefore a broader and more inclusive term than mind. In the New Testament, heart is fundamentally synonymous with person.

- Dan Vander Lugt

Esther - A Story for Today

God is not mentioned once in the pages that bear the name of Esther. Yet in the unfolding drama of the Bible, this chapter of history shows that God doesn’t have to be mentioned to be present.

The story of Esther is a timeless tribute to the God who doesn’t have to be announced or understood to be present. He is the God of the sleepless night and the surprise ending. He is the God who works for us in the darkness, confusion, and fears of our lives.

What is inspiring about this story is that it is not all about Esther. It’s a story about the God who, while being our provider and protector, can use us to bring help to others. Who can say when we, like Esther, may find ourselves looking into the eyes of destiny as we contemplate the needs of a hurting child, a lonely neighbor, a frightened co-worker, or a disillusioned mate? Who can say that heaven has not brought us to this place—for such a time as this? (Esther 4:14).

- http://www.rbc.org/been_thinking_about/08/01/05.aspx

A Scanner Darkly

"What does a scanner see? I mean, really see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does a passive infrared scanner ... see into me - into us - clearly or darkly? I hope it does see clearly, because I can't any longer these days see into myself. I see only murk. Murk outside; murk inside. I hope, for everyone's sake, the scanners do better. Because if the scanner sees only darkly, the way I myself do, then we are cursed, cursed again and like we have been continually, and we'll wind up dead this way, knowing very little and getting that little fragment wrong too."

- Bob Arctor, Chapter 11, A Scanner Darkly by Phillip K. Dick, 1977.

Now made into a major motion picture. Directed by Richard Linklater. Starring Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder.

An incident in the lift

Yes, this is exactly what this might sound like.

I was but a moment ago a prisoner inside my own lift. Hmm, right on the floor where I am staying with my aunt the lift stopped, but wouldn't let me out!

My pulse racing, I proceded to try every button on the panel that I can press, tried finding a hatch door somewhere on the ceiling, and also tried plying the door open with my handy crowbar...

Eh, ok, I didn't have a crowbar, and I didn't pressed all the buttons, but I was stuck just a moment ago prior to writing this post. But thankfully the kindly security lady from downstairs phoned up and asked me how I was, and promised a swift extraction as the masters of the lift's arrival was imminent. Ok, they were just ordinary maintenance crew persons, but they got me out from the maw of that horrible monster of a lift alive and well to still be able to put all this down on paper (soft-copy?).

Anyways, just another day in HKSAR...

A series of events

Today was a stressful and eventful day. Normally on this blog I don't bother recording every nitty-gritty detail of my day-to-day living, unlike some blogs that I have came across where it is just about this or that day in in bed with a cold or that day out going to this mall that the person has been everyother blog post only THIS TIME, its different, somehow. No I don't bother with that sort of blogs, nor do I intend to make this one of them. Sorry to the folks who do, but I don't.

Today was a stressful and eventful day. Still in HKSAR, where the weather is FI-INE~! with the usual smoggy haze (or hazy smog?) covering the islands. I was going to a museum on Dr Sun Yat-Sen, the first successful Chinese republican revolutionary, who in 1911 successfully initiated an uprising in Qing dynasty Wuchang province (I learnt that today!). I recieved a phone call while I was walking, and it turned out that the flight I was on the waiting list for has became available to me and therefore I can stay in HKSAR for an extra five days. I had previously wanted to do so because of my grandmother who wanted me at her birthday dinner which would have been after the 1st when I was supposed to leave. But now that the dinner was moved forwards in order to accomodate me I did not need to. But I did it anyways and so now I leave on the 6th.

Half an hour or so later, when I was in the museum, I recieved another phone call. This time it was my mum. She wanted to ask me to buy something extra to bring back, and I took the opportunity to tell her that I will be back later than expected. Now she was a bit annoyed. No she was not very happy. Actually she was a bit below furious. Ok maybe not so extreme but she was otherwise not fully supportive of my decision to stay longer than needed in HKSAR; I had of course other things that I could have done in Melbourne such as work and also some house chores that only a guy can do. Sorry ladies, no offense. She was telling me that I should keep the family in my head more often, and should have thought of the family before I decided to postpone my flight unnecessarily, which was rightly so coz I had only wanted to stay because I like it here. But my family is in Melbourne, and do need me and I was a selfish jerk. Not my mum's words exactly, but my spin on it anyhow. She told me that it was my decision, that I can still decide, but that I should decide with family in mind that's all, and so she left it at that.

After the call, I immediately tried calling the airline, but they were on lunch break. I went on to lunch myself and called back later to see whether I can reverse my decision from before. At this point only an hour and fifteen minutes have past from my mum's call, but already there was no seats which was to my expectation. I asked to be waitlisted again for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th. I doubted, though, whether I would be able to get on any flights in those dates.

With my flight details uncertain, I still decided to call my mum back just to update her. So I called the office only to find out that she had left already. When I got her on the mobile I told her everything about the flights and the waiting list. She nodded her way through, and then she suddenly dropped a bombshell: my sister was just involved in a car accident, exactly half an hour before. I'd thought I heard wrongly with all the earwax in my right ear or something, but it was true, she drove through a stop sign and didn't spot a car coming from the left. The collision pushed the car to the right and she slammed into a parked car on the right. God be thanked that no one was injured badly, but it was rightly a shock for all. She's only just gotten her probationary license for a month. Her name was not in the insurance policy. She was at fault. I found out later that there could be an excess of AUD$2050 to pay to the insurance company.

My mum told me this and broke down. She said that she tried calling my dad when she found out but couldn't reach him as usual. Ever since the break-up my dad never picked up if he knew it was her. She told me it was more than she could handle, and told me that this is exactly the reason why she was telling me to keep the family in mind; don't be a selfish jerk like my dad. She broke down as I told her that I will, and I will try to change, and that she'd need not worry too much; all the usual crap that I say but never much more than that I am ashamed to say. She'd told me that as well in the first phone call at the museum. She'd told me a lot more, and now this has happened, right when I had just postponed my flight out of selfishness, right when she had just told me to think of the family, right when we don't have much money, right when the family has lost its head and is now walking on purely by faith, and new found faith at that. And here I am overseas having my holiday.

"God speaks in the language you know best— not through your ears, but through your circumstances." (My Utmost, 29th Jan) I was sitting in the tram (yes, HKSAR has trams, but only on Hong Kong Island) pondering these words which I had just read a couple of days ago. I was wondering what God was speaking to me. I told Him I don't know what the point of all this is, why one thing after another, why all in the last ten months. It is exactly like the Chinese saying 'Falling into a well, only to have a stone come down after', or literal translation 'Down well throw stone'. I was wondering all this, all with only one single answer that I got from my head: God is Sovereign.

I am currently reading Job. Such a great book. Elihu puts it wonderfully:

"Why do you contend with Him?
For He does not give an accounting of any of His words"

There is nothing that God does without a valid reason. But when He does something, He indeed does not need to explain it to mere mortals like us. Do we tell a car why we need to go to some destination on a cold winter's day? Do we tell a dog why it needs to be put down? Neither the car nor the dog would understand our reasons purely because we are on a level higher than they.

"For God may speak in one way, or in another,
Yet man does not percieve it."

Why then do I contend with Him?

I felt like hitting myself. I felt like I had wronged my Lord Jesus yet again, and He shakes His head at my folly. I am not sure if He really did, but that was how I felt, sitting there in that tightly packed tram, unable to stretch out, unable to talk, hardly able to concentrate.

Later on a bus up to the Peak, the highest point (obviously) on Hong Kong Island where I had spent most of my day today, I was thinking back to the start of Job, when he had just lost his property, and his sons. He said those famous words:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Job wasn't a fool all the time, even if he was for much of the book. I shall not be made a fool as well.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there is pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You poured out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say:

Blessed be the name of the Lord!