I'd Like to Thank God, Thank my Manager...

Man I haven't blogged in ages... seems these days I lack the motivation. No, its not just the exams; it ought to be that but I know its not that only. Feels like everyone's got a plan, but all I want is to throw some big party and stay in the here and now. Not that this particular time is all too crash hot; no rest for me, not until Christmas I think what with this whole thesis. I should thank God that it is extended for as much a time as it has... never really gotten around to it though. Sour.

Glad to hear some traffic around here too. Its always nice to see that the words I write, or the pictures I post are being seen and read by people. To all of you: thanks! tag or no-tag, still muchly-appreciated! :)

So after this thorough discussion about my blogging habits, I shall launch into another thorough discussion about the concept of relativity...

Yeah right. Ha. Ha. Dry.

I must say though I am so grateful for this wonderful bunch of people that tolerate me on a day to day, week to week basis; to my family at home, my family away from home (all of you, you know who you are, I hope!), and even the people who made the library look like a social gathering (:D): really thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being tolerant of me, for caring, for loving, for that odd sms and even the calls, for the sweets and the cupcakes, the stickies and the slurpees, not to mention the bak ku te, for the couch to rest on and the floor to sleep on, and sometimes even the bed too, for the smile that takes away the pain even if its just for a while... where will I be this past year without all of you?

I hope this post finds you well, if you indeed do read it. Even if you don't, I'd say a prayer for all of you, but I'd not know where to start. Guess God knows... heh. Regardless, may you deepen your relationship with Him even more this coming holidays (yes, the exam period will end one!)!

Hmm, how did this post become my Grammy's winning speech? Feeling the sentimentality coming on I think after a round of listening to my beloved Eagles. Can never get enough of that Tequila Sunrise...

An Optical Answer

Here is the answer for that other post... quite an interesting thing right?

Our eyes often deceive us. In this case, it was merely the perceived shadow on the blocks that made it look like different colours. Merely. It doesn't take much for us to be deceived. Where then can we rely on truth?

Sometimes, what we see is what we get. But most times, what we see is hardly anything to go by. Because we are all flawed. We are all blind to some extent.

Greatest Moments

Perhaps the greatest moments in history and in human consciousness are the same moments that will be remembered for their supreme hardships, their incomprehensible atrocities, their utter hopelessness, and the type of enduring peoples that stuck up their noses and carried on through.

And only during such times are the acts of good men and women ever seen at the forefront. Only during trying times are heroes both named and unnamed emerge. It is only during these times that we are able to discern the righteous from the wicked, the upright and the liar.

It is during these times that we are able to see that indeed the Lord is good.

An Optical Question

What do you all think of this? Do you think that A and B is different colours, or the same? Answer in a few days time. :)

Image taken from NASA Picture of the Day.

A Solar Eclipse

This image is of a solar eclipse sometime in August 11, 1999. I can't remember where it said it occurred already, though I don't think it would be hard to track down where from records readily available on the net; like I said, solar eclipses are rare events, and even more rarer for a one like this; this sort is called a total solar eclipse, one of three types. Those red fringes are actually the corona (outer layer of the sun) that are usually not seen due to being blanketed by radiant light from the sun. Coronal loops flare up on the surface creating those flame like shapes. They are like tongues of fire shooting up from the surface of the sun at incredible speeds. The moon having blocked out most of the light allows us to see these emissions clearly.

Bear in mind that one should always have proper eye protections ready at hand if one wants to go observe a solar eclipse. At certain points during the eclipse, the light from the sun can still harm our eyes.

Hee, I sound like a regular astronomer... I wish... :)

*edit* I remembered where I'd gotten this image from: the image was originally taken in France, and I'd gotten it from good old wikipedia! hehe. However, I also know that it is in one of the picture of the day webpages from NASA.

A Lunar Eclipse

This is a composite image of a lunar eclipse. The moon moves into the area where the earth's shadow (umbra) is, and gradually turns red due to refraction of light through the earth's atmosphere. I must say that I haven't had the privilege of watching a lunar eclipse unfold very often in my life. Probably only about three times over the past ten years? What I really want to see is a solar eclipse; rarer and much more dramatic. I have never seen a full solar eclipse before, only a partial one. And that was only once!

Brokeness

Psalms 51:8 simply says:

Make me hear joy and gladness, that the bones You have broken may rejoice.


What else can one say? To rejoice in brokeness... what other philosophy on earth advocates total surrender? Yet it is so real. Not like the pretentous non-sense of self-help manuals, or even the ancient ways of Buddhism, superstitious beliefs of Taoism, or the self-righteousness of Islam.

I'd realise that in that last statement, I'd just blatantly smeared millions of people's beliefs. But I make no apology. The truth hurts, but it shall set you free.

That last quote, contrary to many secular beliefs, is a Christian principle. Oh man, the truth hurts.

When all the worshippers gather...

At placement right this moment, and got time to kill. Which is a strange thought really as I would tend to feel that every waking moment is as precious as sapphires at this time of year. This weekend is going to be somewhat exciting and appears to be something that I can get passionate about; it seems like a long while since I'd had that feeling. Ministry day, or in this case, Worship Day, is normally meant for the introduction to the ministry for 'initiates'/newcomers. This time round its alittle more than just that.

It shall be a time of sowing, with the prospect of reaping in the future.

It shall be a time for the older to instruct the younger, part of building up.

It shall be a time when a fire is started and spread, so that things not of Him shall be burnt away leaving what is essential in its wake.

There is alot to be learnt about worship in a day, but worship is such a simple matter in some sense; we'd just like to think that it is so ever complicated. Pray for this day. Pray for revival.

Commentary on the last post

shoot i realised suddenly that I can write!

man you'd wouldn't believe it but I churned that load out from last post in 10 minutes max. The little bit of emotional teary moment notwithstanding.

and its not like its total garbage and hobpotch of unintelligible nonsense that doesn't carry any meaningful story or message. It can rightfully be called alittle piece of literature I'd say. Maybe I'm just being pretentious. Preposterous.

Regardless, I'd meant every word of it. Including the part about suicide and controlling death. I'd being there. Sounds foolishly idealistic if you'd ask me now; a vain fantasy that amounts to little real value.

And even though every word of it rings true to me at this moment, I know its selfish to even think that this is the end of the world for me. God knows how many others go through the same pains and cry out to Him around the world in one milisecond. And He alone knows how many others go through alot worse. But to each his own I suppose; someone very wise once told me that thought the world may be worse off than you are, what you experience is just as valid and meaningful than everyone else, its just a matter of perspective. I was for awhile dumbfounded and an awkward silence ensued. But now I get it.

By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did; by faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; by faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family; by faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later recieve as his inheritance though he knew not at the time, obeyed and went; by faith Abraham, even though he was past age - and Sarah herself was barren - was enabled to become a father because he considerd Him faithful who had made the promise; the list goes on, but the point is all of them were still living by faith when they died. They did not recieve the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country - a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.

Each person here experienced different circumstances. No one can compare each. But to God they placed their lives and trusted. And God was well pleased, because they had faith. Strange that this last passage could very much have being about people I know today as opposed to people who were alive thousands of years ago. Yes its a passage in the Bible of all books... for some this may come as a surprise; its adapted from Hebrews 11.

We need faith in the lift engineerer whenever we use a lift; what's stopping us from having faith in the God who created the universe whenever we do life and life do us in? Its a simple paradigm shift. By faith...

What I'd thought it won't be...

Most times people go through life thinking they've got it mapped out.

Yes, people structure life into segments. Of sweet sweet childhood, of teenage angsty years, of the turbulent young adult phase, of moving into working adult, middle age with all its assorted crisises, retirement. Then of course there is the all-out end of death, which we all so very much try to be prepared and planned for.

I mean, don't you? 'This is the time for getting a degree'. 'This is the time for finding a job and getting a salary'. blah blah blah. 'By the time I am 25 I must be married'. blah blah blah. The list goes on. And all the while we have this mental image of who we will be in 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 years time. As if we'd know for sure. As if that's how things should really be.

I've got a dream once. I dreamt that I would be an artist. I dreamt I would fill galleries of my charcoal paintings and sell them off one by one and make a living in some penthouse/studio like Issac Mendez. That was when I was 15. I did a most marvelous thing that year, and that is I was one of the few brilliant artists in my school who did a thing most charitable to an elderly home by putting up wall paintings and murals so that the folks living there won't just have drab walls to look at in their spare time (and believe me they had alot of spare time, much to their own surprise). I got that to point to when people say that I wouldn't make it as an artist. Added to that is the fact that I am the highest scoreholder in my class in Studio Art class. All the Art teachers know me, some of whom I was on first name basis with.

I thought that by the time I was 22 and out of uni after doing a wonderful Art course that I would come out ready to charge straight into a studio and churn out masterpieces. I thought that by the time I was 30 I'd own my own gallery. By the time I was 40 I'd get married and go on extended honeymoons. That by the time I was 50 I'd try my hand at controlling my own death and the way I'd go out by committing suicide or something in some suitably grand style for such a grand life.

What I'd thought it would be.

Truth is I'd never got into Art school. My folio wasn't enough by the time I was 17. My parents made me concentrate on the Math and the English. Art went out the window. I graduated with a high score but no dreams. I faced mountains (for a 17 year old) of decision-making the likes of which I wasn't really prepared for. What will I do now? And in all that confusion I just merely looked at what's available and chose Psychology coz it 'sounded suitably interesting' compared to say Commerce, and I didn't really know what Anthropology and Media studies and Creative Writing was all about.

And so I entered uni as a 1st year Psych student. I started dreaming that I would be a forensic psych one day, or some clinical neuropsych after getting a high score for that component in 1st year. I started to, as I did 2 years before, make plans. I would be in Honours by 21, finish Masters by 23, practice at a hospital for 5 or 6 building client base and move on to private practive by the time I was 30. I would marry someone somewhere along the line and life would be good. I'd own my own M5 and go for drives in the city. My family would retire in Queensland and I'd visit them every now and then. I would go overseas and work, maybe back to Hong Kong, or Singapore. Or maybe even the US.

Plans. How futile.

at 21 I was doing work in a warehouse, having missed the mark into Honours. Don't rightly know why. Someone else had similar scores than I yet I missed out. Life happens I suppose. Never worry as I can just adjust my plans one year back. Nothing to worry about. and indeed I got in the year after, having done nothing academic for one whole year I found myself accepted again. My career is not over. Not yet. See? All the planning came to fruition. I got up and went in early for everything; I met up with my supervisor earlier than others, I went to seminars and got to know a couple of people as contacts, I went away and did my readings. I was eager to start. I was eager to show all of them who I am.

What I'd thought it won't be.

Who's to blame for the timetabling error that set me back three weeks of useful work? I missed the first three weeks of lectures. Who's to blame for the ridiculous amount of time spent behind the wheel travelling from one campus to another, and then to home? Who's to blame for my misunderstanding my supervisor and reading up too broadly for two weeks and having that work turn up useless? Who's to blame for my own family life, where suddenly I am the man of the house and I got this whole list of other priorities on my mind? Who's to blame that I was born incapable of multi-tasking and having a pre-disposition for ill organisation of time and tasks?

And now I stand at the threshold of yet another failure of my plans. I stand at the threshold of seeing life as I'd thought it won't be. Who's to know, right? Hah.

Don't take pity on me. There is nothing to be pitiful about. Life just happens. And there is nothing we mere mortals can do about it. What's new under the sun? History Boys had a brilliant quote for this: "Told'ya, history is just one bloody thing after another.".

Cougher

A wracking cough threatens to take away a good night sleep, and possibly my voice (for the second time in a month). I have being sick, physically, but I suspect, also sick in other ways...

1.52am. Man. And to think I have a long day ahead of me...

For......

Wasn't this just like last time,
When I'd felt like the bell and chime,
Rocking about to the beat of
Another's emo mind.

I don't want to feel
I don't want to hurt
I don't want no tears
To fall upon the dirt.

Take this cup away from me,
O so sweet though it may be.
Sometimes things in life
Are better left to be.

Yet I just can't live without
This miry drink of doubt,
I keep seeing things not there
Perhaps its just thin air.

Unto Hope I will cling
Should just sit and wait awhile.
Time may come when all things sing
Of the beauty yet to come.

***

A little poem to an unaware special little someone.

Untitled

Long have I looked upon those barren shores
To search for a glimmer of hope restored.
I tarry upon eaves of billowing sand
Trodding a path through this abomi'ble land.
I sense a warmth burning deep within
It carries me onwards, a promise therein.
May God plot a course that I may run
To find that lost treasure I would have won.

Here by the seashore in all its rocky darkness
A feeling of rage just freshly departed.
I ponder the wrongs that I may have done
And offer up repentance for that which I've done.
Maybe if I were to show more humility
I might see a way out of this calamity.
How I long for that rest of peace
To drive away this sickness, and leave me be.

Firm Foundations and the other stuff on top

Just when things look up, things goes down again. That's how it is when things get shaken, yes? I have being on a roller-coaster since the beginning of this year, and frankly, I am getting tired of the same old loops and bumps and freefallings that comes along the way.

No more, please. What can be shaken off should be off by now, right? And whatever that is left over... I don't really know if its good or not anymore.

God burns away the outer layers and reveals to me what I truly am within. And the revelation scares me.

Transformation comes from conviction. Conviction is from the inside out. I don't want to be a surface-changer anymore. I want hard substantial change. I want my life to be upside down, and for me to have a transformation from conviction. That is the true meaning of Romans 12. I guess once again I learnt it the hard way. Typical.

I hope one day I can say for sure, knowing that it is truly in my heart, that I love God, love family, love friends, love enemies, love ministry. I pray that this day will not be far away.

Backbone

Have I changed?
Is the Cross really as powerful as people make it out to be?
Who was I before I came to the Cross?
Who am I now?

All I can say is that maybe the Cross have given me a backbone.

But I still make for a lousy witness. If so, I may as well be back on that broad highway.

Hosanna

Today I realised something.

Within all is three things forever dwelling.
A desire to lead a meaningful life.
A wish to be surrounded by those we love.
A hope that one will not end up losing what we have.

Some would see old age as the anti-thesis to all of the above.
In fact, why else do we fawn so when it comes to aging?
We see age as the gradual painless (for the most part) poison that slowly robs us of these three things.
Our life becomes meaningless.
Those we love either die, or move away.
We lose the things that mean so much because we no longer are able to keep them.

I see this every week. I see these souls dwelling in the awkward 8' by 8' hospital beds, staring into space with not a thought in their minds, their hearts numb from the isolation, their bodies slowly passing away. I see hopelessness in their eyes. I hear voices breaking as if they haven't being used in years. I feel their passing of days, weeks, months without reprieve, until those figures no longer mean anything anymore. Their worlds slowly falling apart, bit by bit, right below their frail feet.

Then One amongst many stood tall. She was a little old lady of a rather bouncy sort. There is nothing in the world that can distinguish her from the rest. She too had ailments. She too has being slowly losing her world. But she worn a radiance upon her face that shone as clear as noonday, even when she battled with a chronic pain in her leg. She alone amongst many had a smile that still melts men's hearts. And upon her breast she worn the Cross.

What can I say?

Praise God.

Hosanna

Three Paragraphs Starting With S

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. Well, maybe no one is reading anymore, so I am merely saying this to myself. I don't know. Its being quite a confusing ride over the course of the last couple of months. I once remarked to a group of people that it was akin to a ride through a rollercoaster complete with all its miraculous ups and demoralising downs. Left me with a profound sense of misguidedness. I don't really know what to think anymore.

Sucks when all the world seems to be steaming through and my own ship just lost its main mast with the impending storm coming. What seems to make matters worse is that the mast has being down for a long time and I just never bothered to repair it. C hit the nail right on the head when he wrote about being ready and preparing for the storm. I simply didn't. Another lesson learnt the hard way I suppose. A certain someone by the name of 'I' had me down on the spot: she described me as a person who only learns from mistakes. Harsh. Truth.

So what new heights of insights did I gleam from this three paragraphs of self-pity and self-criticism? Possible nothing of substance. Sometimes I ask myself am I depressed, and all I can think of is maybe. Why though? Why would I be depressed? I thought my troubles started with lack of God. But now I am not so sure. Maybe its more like I lack the faith the believe in Him fully. Believe that my future lies in His capable hands. Yes, maybe that's it. That's exactly what I said three weeks ago with the lack of God thing. But Yes, I think I hit it right this time.

Faith is like seeing

They say that i can move the mountains
and send them falling to the sea
they say that i can walk on water
if i would follow and believe
with Faith Like a Child

***

Since mine eyes have looked on Jesus,
I’ve lost sight of all beside,
So enchained my spirit’s vision,
Gazing on the Crucified.

not happy jus

This is bad...i got a ticket to mental limbo where all one can see when they look out the windows of the train carriage are Sigma symbols, scatterplots, regression lines, and bouncing chi-square tables! Not to mention that one will only enter the endless matrix of factor analysis that is so lovingly known as FA. They have robbed me of my football and replaced it with a bleeding MANOVA!!! Man over board; I wanna jump train.

Well, I guess since I am already half way through, may as well go through with it I suppose...

Take care all you lovelies. I may not be coming back. Not this person anyways.

wow thats it??

after an absence of countless weeks this is all i could come up with?! a bleeding emo scale?!?!?!

my goodness statistics is bad for mental and creative health.

die statistics!

Emo scale

[ ] i like skinny jeans
[x] music is my life.
[x] i write poetry/song lyrics
[x] my hair covers part of my face. (or i wish)
[ ] i wear band shirts.
[ ] i know who Jeffree Star is.
[x] i wear/wore Converse.
[ ] i wear/wore vans
[ ] i wear/have worn eyeliner.
[ ] I listen to Saves The Day, Chiodos, Thursday and/or Gym Class Heroes.

Total: 4

[x] I'm/was in a band.
[ ] my Multiply screen name has an x in it
[x] I understand that My Chemical Romance is not emo
[x] I also understand that Green Day is not emo
[x] I know what mosh means.
[ ] I sit in corners often
[ ] I dislike MTV
[x] I take pictures of myself a lot
[ ] Especially ones when you can't see my whole face

Total: 5

[x] I'm lost without a CD player/MP3 player/ IPod
[x] I know that emo is not just a stereotype
[ ] I have/had thick rimmed glasses
[ ] I have/had issues with bi/gay people
[ ] I hate the president
[ ] I have/had a mohawk
[ ] I wear/have worn black nail polish
[ ] I hate my mom
[ ] I hate my dad
[ ] I hate where i live
[x] Black is a great color
[ ] I do/have cut myself

Total: 3

[x] Right now, I am listening to music
[ ] I know what hxc and sxe mean
[ ] Multiply=love
[ ] Hot Topic doesn't scare me
[ ] I wear/have worn studded belts
[ ] I have/had a body part signed by a band
[ ] I've cried while listening to Dashboard Confessional
[ ] For Guys: I have kissed another guy
[ ] For girls: I have worn skinny jeans
[ ] I have/had dyed my hair black
[x] My closet is mostly filled with black or dark clothes
[ ] I cry a lot
[ ] I write on myself
[x] I have been called emo before
[ ] I've done drugs before
[ ] I listen to undiscovered bands

Total: 3

Total the totals
Times your overall by 3 and that is how emo you are
Post this as: I am___ % emo

I am 45% emo

Does not smell like emo spirit... for once!

Hmm I realised that recently I have being excessively emo. Looking back over the past few posts, I saw quite a number of "smells like emo spirit". I like that tagline. Its like Nirvana all over again, only this time in the emo era; a bit of Carrabba mixed in with Cobain. For the uninitiated, that's the lead singer in Dashboard and Nirvana respectively. Alright, enough music nerdiness.

There was a time when I thought I would use this blog to post some nice pretty pictures of stars and galaxies. Or space objects in our own solar system: kinda like this one. The thing I love about this asteroid, which is essentially a lump of supersize rock floating around in space, is the crater marks all over it. Imagine this giant rock, its face searing wherever the sunlight touches like a clothes iron held too long on a shirt, and the extreme cold of the shadow gripping upon its dark side, hails of tiny metals crashing upon its once smooth bore surface as it moves through a belt of asteroids.

I love it because it speaks so much about our own lifes. I love it because it mirrors us going through our own little trials, our moments of extremes in both passion and ignorance, our failures, our scars, our endless wandering in search of meaning. It presents a show of strength in its sheer size as a facade, but is vulnerable as the craters testify. Sometimes, that is what we do as well. We walk around with a mask on our faces, our demenour veiled, our tongues censored. We walk as if we were in someone else's shoes, someone we want to be, someone we feel we ought to be. And sometimes, we even kid ourselves and believe it to be true. Is that why we have problems? Would we not have problems if we just live and not lie to ourselves? Would it all be well if we just believe that we are valued just the way we are, and we are not forgotten and insignificant in a world of so many people?

The asteroid continues its journey.

Thick

The air was thick with fog this day; it was thick with heaviness as well, feeling tired and dreary.

***

Dunno really what to write.... just feel like blabbing a while because I can't think of anything to say in my review. What's with this year? It feels like I have made a big wrong/erroneous decision, one after the other.

Nevermind. The rhythm of the world beats on. A monotonous, single syllabic chord.

Error: no title.

Something prompts me to write again. Yes I should sleep. But I just want to write sometimes. Sleep makes me a writer. Thank God I didn't become a writer by profession!

The western night sky never looked more solemn. The night lights burn, lined up row by row along the ground all the way to the horizon, sending shafts of yellow and red reaching up into the dark heavens. They quickly disappear into that blackness, lost in the vast, moonless sky.

I sit with a million and one thoughts in my head; the events of the past three days made certain of that. None that are coherent. Maybe I will just sit and wait. And continue to type rubbish until it comes.

Maybe I will sleep on it. Will ideas hatch like a chicken from an egg when sat on by the hen?

Diana Krall at the End of the Rollercoaster

Diana Krall music somehow seems to sooth the soul for an emo day. As M so brilliantly summed up this day, it has being one big roller coaster ride. Now strapped to my seat at the end of the ride still savouring every turn, bump, drop and climb, figuring out which parts was the most spectacular in order to document and store away deep within the recesses of my mind, I find myself lost in the melodic swirl of her songs. Her voice seems to echo about as it enters my ears, and reverberates through my whole being; every heartbeat in time with the kick and the snare.

There is nothing less ordinary about humble beginnings. Though one would come in to a rollercoaster ride with full expectations of leaving feeling queasy or excited, this day was totally unexpected. Its like being asleep and suddenly waking up to the feeling of being pulled along in a carriage up the steep rails to the top. I woke up feeling like any other morning, tired, full of resentment of having to wake up early despite lack of sleep. I stumbled out of the house with an apple in hand, car keys in the other, and an hour and half of travel to campus ahead.

A lazy seminar later and I was in Seasons sleeping away the ache in my head, my car audio seeming like a lullaby. I woke up to a message from T, and soon was receiving messages from different people as well. A chance meeting with T, a driving lesson or so with M, a movie worth of funny romance stories later and soon the day was half spent, and it had being dreary and slack. The climb to the top has finally being done; now the descent begins.

First was S. S seemed distant and unusually tame, before a torrent of emotion broke out, catching both M and I totally off-guard. I stood transfixed, holding a bottle of coke, jam and nutella in a plastic bag, waiting by the side in the shadows as the two held on to each other. I could hardly fix a thought; all I could do was stand and look away respectfully.

Second was the drive to dinner. The circumstances of S brought to mind my own little three day old circumstance. It brought to mind the end of a dream, a selfish dream. My world came to a halt; deadlines and traffic lights seems to fade away leaving behind only the imagined husk of what I thought would have being. The feeling is emptiness.

Third was a most unexpected sort of call. Y is in hospital, and now surgery is in the works. It might not be serious, but neither is it trivial.

Fourth was another unexpected call, though not for me. It rocked the world for my host, and immediately brought things back to square one. Now comes the time for reminders, and some hard soul-searching.

Yes vague. But vague is good. I once heard someone said that the only reason why shower doors are blurred glass and not just solid opaque doors is because the vagueness accentuated the figure of whoever was inside... yes a little wrong, but yet it made so much sense. Indeed, vagueness is good because it does not block knowledge and recognition of whatever is there, but at the same time provides discrete and interesting disclosure to others who are willing to look. It makes for better storytelling than just total disclosure anyways. As Capote said once: women looked so much better with clothes on.

Okay, enough with the crazy latenight innuendo. I think it prudent for me to go sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

When Reality Hits

If only you could lift me upon eagle's wings...

The murmur of passing momentaries
Fills the echoing chambers of my audioscape.
I could, just might, grasping, able to make out words,
But in the end I just tune right out.
It is not real, but yet it is.
It is as real as the fingers on my hand.
But what cannot be seen seems more real.
Whispers of unreality, thin willowing veils,
Wraps willfully around me.
Is anything real anymore?
What is it that I see? I see
A blank wall with no beginning
Sheer white nothingness
Stands, obstructing, retarding.

God help me, ye breaker of strongholds.

Morning Daydreams

Sometimes, when the windows of my room becomes fogged up from the morning dew, and the water droplets, collecting weight, roll down ever so slowly, forming snaking water trails across the glass, I feel a chill run up my spine. The blur of the outside world shines through the dew, and it looks for all the world like I was awake in a dream. Is this world that I gaze at real?

Its the tiny details. Its the splash of colour on each single drop of water. Its the chill I feel emanating from the glass itself. Its the air in my room tastes a little musky from having the door closed all night. Its the sound of larks which I might have wished were nightingales.

I find myself just staring, my mind awander in the misty colours. I see myself walking through this field of blurry colours, exploring every nook and crany, finding many things, wondrous similitudes hidden beneath this fabric of seeming-reality. What else can I find?

Always, though, my morning daydream would be broken at the sound of the alarm clock, preset to screech at the appointed time. Darn.

At the Foot of the Cross

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Come in to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the Cross...

Such beautiful lyrics. Speaks to the heart of the wonderful place known as Calvary. It is at the Cross that we are cleased and made new, but it is also from there that we enter into a whole new life.

Let's live that life to the full, with remembrance of the sacrifice our Lord has made in order to make it all possible for us in the first place, but not to dwell here any longer. God has called us to bigger and greater things than this.

Amen

A Heart of Life

I hate to see you cry

Lying there in that position

There's things you need to hear

So turn off your tears

And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

No it won't all go the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new

Bad news never had good timing

But, then your circle of friends

Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

No it won't all go the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

Fear is a friend who's misunderstood

But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

- John Mayer, 'The Heart of Life' from 'Continuum'

Its a sign when all I can blog is...

Can't focus. Can't focus. Can't focus.

Mind wander. Mind wander. Mind wander.

Sian.

I A Procrastinator

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

A Nano later...

So now I am a proud owner of my very own iPod nano. What now?

Plug it into my brand new car stereo of course!

Bit by bit I will connect everything and soon my boombox will be blaring as I boom along the highways!

I'd say more...

I'd say more, but I'd only be saying nothing.
I'd show more, but I'd only be showing a lie.
I'd do more, but I'd only be doing less.
Nothing I say or do or show off
Could ever compare to Your Grace.

Blogger in a Warehouse

And what do you know? Here I am spamming blog posts after a long period of inactivity. The cycle of my blogging life. I missed blogging, even if it had only being a couple of weeks; it seems I am getting that itch again and want to scratch it as often as possible. So here I am, tapping away happily while work has nothing to do for now. Until probably in only another ten minutes anyways; I am waiting for the Post Office truck to arrive so I can start loading it with cages of cardboard boxes filled with various goodies ready to be dispersed to the suspecting Australian public.

I know. Dry as hell. Dry. Very dry indeed. Totally boring. I am such a loner in the warehouse. Everyone gone and here I am blogging. My forklift sits beside me like a loyal hound. The cages rattle outside in the breeze. The radio blasting "The lips of an angel". The musky dry smell of dust fills my nostrils and makes me lick my dried up lips. Somehow all this sitting around doing nothing is draining and I find my butt a bit sore and my back a little stiff. A flourish of typing and looking around and now Gwen Stefani chimes a tune "well I could be sweet...". Thus rolls the life of a blogger in a warehouse.

Emo Songs

OH MAN. just as I posted that last post, up comes an emo song on the radio! Its super nice....

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

The Fray. "How to save a life"

I also just realised that I haven't blogged in a long while. Well, if anyone reads they would know also right. I don't know, everytime I don't blog is usually because I am feeling down and out of it, or I am feeling antisocial. I guess that's it.

Good Report: For a change

I love it when I can speak a good report. I don't know when was it last that I can say with a mighty degree of certainty that something good has occurred. Maybe I am just being very melodramatic once again. Should really stop listening to emo music for a while; lay off that emo stuff and embrace some 'life' music as if my life depended on it and I need to hold on harder than ever for a change.

Good report: oh yes, that's right, Worship Day was a blast. Thank you God for your graciousness, thank you God for leading each of us. I am so excited.

Acts 20:24: "None of these things move me, nor do I count my life dear to myself"

It is easier to serve or work for God without a vision and without a call, because then you are not bothered by what He requires. Common sense, covered with a layer of Christian emotion, becomes your guide. You may be more prosperous and successful from the world’s perspective, and will have more leisure time, if you never acknowledge the call of God. But once you receive a commission from Jesus Christ, the memory of what God asks of you will always be there to prod you on to do His will. You will no longer be able to work for Him on the basis of common sense.

What do I count in my life as "dear to myself"? If I have not been seized by Jesus Christ and have not surrendered myself to Him, I will consider the time I decide to give God and my own ideas of service as dear. I will also consider my own life as "dear to myself." But Paul said he considered his life dear so that he might fulfill the ministry he had received, and he refused to use his energy on anything else. This verse shows an almost noble annoyance by Paul at being asked to consider himself. He was absolutely indifferent to any consideration other than that of fulfilling the ministry he had received. Our ordinary and reasonable service to God may actually compete against our total surrender to Him. Our reasonable work is based on the following argument which we say to ourselves, "Remember how useful you are here, and think how much value you would be in that particular type of work." That attitude chooses our own judgment, instead of Jesus Christ, to be our guide as to where we should go and where we could be used the most. Never consider whether or not you are of use— but always consider that "you are not your own" ( 1 Corinthians 6:19 ). You are His.

- My Utmost for His Highest: March 4th, 2007

Wonderful

hey, aint life wonderful? wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... isnt it wonderful
Now?

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope its over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when youre little
And the worlds so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that its all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends wont know
When the bell rings I just dont wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I dont believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when youre little
And the world is so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I dont wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna meet your friends
And I dont wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now...

I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now...

Are we all living a lie? Is this really all there is to life? To freedom?

Perhaps a Bit more Bitter than Sweet

The failings of the past did not matter. The uncertain future did not matter. As the doors slid shut, nothing mattered. All that mattered was beyond that which could be seen now. In that instant, I knew that one thing has ended, but yet another is spread out before me ready to begin. It is indeed something different, something that could be difficult, but ultimately, I am sure and assured that nothing can be more worth it.

To you: goodbyes are bittersweet, perhaps a bit more bitter than sweet, but I shall also say that
goodbyes are not forever.

None But Jesus

In the quiet
In the stillness I know
That you are God
In the secret
Of Your presence i know
There I am restored.

When You call i won't refuse
Each new day again I chose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos
In confusion I know
Your sovereign still
In the moment
Of my weakness You give
Your grace to do Your will

When You call I won't refuse
Each new day again I chose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord
Forevermore

What is one second to you?

Inspiration came at the flourish of the second hand, and in that instant I had an answer. One second was all it seemed to have took, but I knew better; it had to take a lot more than mere reaction and spur-of-the-moment thought. They say that insight is the result of first taking in a question, a brief moment of conscious thought, followed by an extended period of subconscious incubation, leading finally to the moment where the insight or inspiration suddenly emerges back into conscious thought. But yet, somehow, that doesn't seem to be how it had happened either.

All it took was one second: one moment where the world no longer seem to matter. A slightest instance when the Truth confronts me and I was blown away. Microsecond? Nanosecond? It was like a crack on the timeline; a seemingly random occurance that suddenly splits the present from the past. When my mind had finally registered exactly what changes had occurred as a result of that moment, it had been well past five or six months; the reality of being a Christian hits home, even though changes had been occurring throughout that inteval time. No longer was my mouth full of curses and foulness, no longer was my vision of the future covered and blurred, no longer did life seem as empty as a milk carton on a saturaday morning, the dreariness had gone away.

One second that changes life as I knew it. Yes, I am sure that was all the time that it took.

Meant to Live

I feel like screaming. The weight presses down. The air itself is suffocating. There is no place to go, no room to move. There is only the illusion of eternity, and the stifling heat of dread, forever locked in some prison of fear and uncertainty. No... I was meant to live for so much more...

Love beyond reason

Something about revival, and the continual, unfailing, undying love of God fills me with the most utmost disgust of myself; me, this wretched creature prone to bouts of sinfulness and rebellion, yet at the same time full of awe and love for this most wonderful and marvelous of saviours: the Saviour, Lord of lords, King of kings. I don't know how to put it exactly, but I do think that sometimes, I abuse the grace freely given to me, if ever there was a way fo abusing something that is supposed to be unlimited, covering everything. Sometimes, the thought of God withdrawing forever such a gift fills me with dread, and gives me cold sweat in the middle of the night, when my rebelling mind would come to rest and contemplate on the day's actions; evaluating oh ever so much more evaluation. I would come to the conclusion that God has limited patience, that He will eventually get so tired of rescuing me from myself that He would just give up and leave me to Satan.

But yet somehow, I also know that my God does not lose to the Devil. He does not 'give up' on anybody because to do so would mean He admits defeat at the hands of His own creation. No my God is all-powerful, and none who contends with Him shall succeed. No defeat in this case only occurs because I myself have given up; I myself have let myself down, not God. No matter how deep a downward spiral I go down, somehow this truth still stays afloat for me to see, and be reminded of the absolute love beyond all reason, the love that is all that I need. That love which caused the father to wait on the lost son day and night, without rest, without ever giving up hope of one day seeing him again. Each time this truth would light up even as I step into the most dire and most lowest and darkest part of my own private hell in my head; even when I am in Sheol, God's love penetrates, and lifts me up out of that darkness and into the light, just as Jonah was vomited out of the big fish.

Why would God do that? I have no clue...
I have indeed:
"Found love, beyond all reason..."

Shrooomm...................

coz i'm leaving...on a jet plane...
but iknow that I will be back SOON...

Leaving Hong Kong soon, but I know I will be back soon. Well, if things goes well, and I manage to go to W's wedding that is. but I even if I don't, I know I will probably be back by the end of the year. haiz, my cousins would be another year older, but other than that, nothing much would change here. Just the same old memories; long ago ones, the blurry vividness type.

Will miss it once again...

A Challenge

To Set the captives free
To Break Bondages
To Find those who are Lost
To Bring Light to the Dark
To Herald the coming of our Lord
To Bring nations to Christ
To LOVE

Amen

Cancer of the Mind

Ideas sometimes just appear from seemingly no source. Ideas for all forms of craziness, all forms of nastiness, all forms of sweetness, all forms of charity. But where did they all come from? Just as soon as I turn and address them they would flee and be gone; none seems capable of tarrying longer than it takes for me to I tie them down.

To me it seems as if they were cancers, great menacing tumors that sprout out from nothing. Maybe thats what ideas are, tumors of the mind. There are those who lived in history who had diseases of the mind, yet their brilliance is unmatched in their generation. Great minds like Stephen Hawking, and Albert Einstein. Not to say that one needs brain tumours or MND to be brilliant, but one cannot deny that there is always something a bit abnormal in the minds of those who bring something unseen before to the world.

Maybe to change the world requires something abnormal, something ab-human...

Go for God

Yesterday I visited an English speaking congregation reaching out to all English speakers in HKSAR. The name of this church is called The Vine Christian Fellowship. Its congregation consists mostly of English speaking Chinese, some born locally, while others born overseas. There are some Africans, Americans, British ex-pats, and other foreigners who call HKSAR home.

The church is led by two senior pastors and their wives: Tony and Drusilla Read, and John and Sandra Snelgrove. They have been in Hong Kong since the 80s. I've met John and Sandra during Hillsong conferrence last year, and though yesterday I didn't get a chance to say hi, I saw their congregation.

I visited their 6pm service. Asking around, I found out that this church has probably been around for 6-7 years now, and now has about 700 people. They have three services on Sunday, a vibrate youth group for teenagers, and an amazing young adult group known as One-Eighty. I visited One-Eighty on saturday, but didn't have the time to stay for long, but what I saw was a group of passionate post-teen young people who are absolutely for Jesus, and loves each other as well as visitors like me. I spoke with four people in their reception area which they call 'the lounge', where it is a culture for people to 'hang out' immediately after the service. Most of the worship team members also attend One-Eighty, and this church has just recently released a live recording of their own songs!

They had being doing Reinhard Bonnke's "Full Flame" series of sermons, and had being doing so since the beginning of this year. This year is the year where they as a congregation are going to "go for God". Though I only caught a glimpse of what that means, I do get the feeling that this church is going to step up its effort in leading people to Christ. Apart from the push in evangelism, it is also going to step up in its effort to make firm disciples of Christ. They have printed personal journals for everyone in the church, as part of going through the entire Bible together this coming year.

Leaving the church, I got a distinct feeling that this is sort of what OCF should be like. Indeed, as I explained it to my aunty, this church is like an enlarged version of what OCF can become. Let me be as bold to say that this is what OCF will be, if only God is allowed to work through the lives of faithful people willing to just "go for God". This church, like OCF, can be said to 'cater' for a niche group in a strictly economic sense. Just as English speakers in Hong Kong are a small part of the whole population, so too is OCF whose mission is to reach the University campus' through out Australia, with an emphasis on overseas students. Just as this church is pre-dominantly young people who are passionate for God, so too is OCF. But I believe that OCFers in general needs to be even more passionate than we already are, and take up our Cross like our Lord. Each of us needs to rise up to a newer level.

Why not make this year the year to 'go for God'?

Pom is for peace of mind

Take a pill for the pain
Drink some tea for my thoughts
Eat some chilli for the callousness
Grab a sandwich for my sensations
Buy a gold chain for the gregarious cantaloop
I want a Jap for my jarringly apprehensive psychosis
And a Pom for peace of mind.

Logic and Faith

Thinking that logic alone can lead someone to faith is like thinking logic can convince someone that something is beautiful. Imagine driving through Navajo country in the southwest United States with a friend who considers the exquisite landscape just a barren wasteland. Would logic convince him that the landscape is beautiful? For every reason you give to demonstrate its beauty, your friend will counter with a reason for thinking it ugly. You perceive beauty; he doesn't. Mere logic isn't going to change his mind.

Some of the most important things in life transcend logic. No one can devise a logical proof for faith, beauty, or love. If we attempt a "proof" for them, we will be farther from understanding them than when we started. Such things are perceived by more than just our minds. They are perceived by something more profound than mere intellect.

The Bible refers to the center of the human personality as the "heart"¹ , and specifically designates it as the place of faith ( Mark 11:23 , Luke 24:25 ; John 14:1 ; Acts 8:37 ; Romans 10:9 ). This doesn't mean that faith is irrational. Faith can be philosophically and logically defended. But a logical defense of faith is as far from experiencing it as a verbal description of the flavor of strawberries is from their taste in the mouth. The heart includes the function of the mind, but transcends it. The inclination of peoples' hearts, not their intellectual powers, determines whether they will move in the direction of faith or unbelief. Jesus made this clear:

"Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." (John 3:20-21 NIV)

Hatred of truth causes unbelievers to use their rational powers to reject it. Hatred of truth occurs in their hearts. Their rationalizations for rejecting it are the consequence -- not the cause -- of their hatred.

This, too, is why the writer of Hebrews declares:

Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. (Hebrews 11:6 NIV)

The existence of God -- like the existence of love and beauty -- can be logically described. But it cannot be logically proven to someone who doesn't want to believe. Belief in these things requires openness of the heart. While logic can be used to provide evidence for the truth, it can also be used to rationalize evil. Ultimate choices are not only decisions of the mind but also matters of the heart, where logic is only a tool for fashioning a life of truth and goodness, or illusion and evil.

1. In the Bible, the term heart refers to the "whole man, with all his attributes, physical, intellectual, and psychological." (New Bible Dictionary) The meaning of mind, in contrast, is usually limited more specifically to mental abilities.

So the term heart refers to the governing center of man, that part of him that is often referred to with such terms as character, personality, will and mind. Heart is therefore a broader and more inclusive term than mind. In the New Testament, heart is fundamentally synonymous with person.

- Dan Vander Lugt

Esther - A Story for Today

God is not mentioned once in the pages that bear the name of Esther. Yet in the unfolding drama of the Bible, this chapter of history shows that God doesn’t have to be mentioned to be present.

The story of Esther is a timeless tribute to the God who doesn’t have to be announced or understood to be present. He is the God of the sleepless night and the surprise ending. He is the God who works for us in the darkness, confusion, and fears of our lives.

What is inspiring about this story is that it is not all about Esther. It’s a story about the God who, while being our provider and protector, can use us to bring help to others. Who can say when we, like Esther, may find ourselves looking into the eyes of destiny as we contemplate the needs of a hurting child, a lonely neighbor, a frightened co-worker, or a disillusioned mate? Who can say that heaven has not brought us to this place—for such a time as this? (Esther 4:14).

- http://www.rbc.org/been_thinking_about/08/01/05.aspx

A Scanner Darkly

"What does a scanner see? I mean, really see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does a passive infrared scanner ... see into me - into us - clearly or darkly? I hope it does see clearly, because I can't any longer these days see into myself. I see only murk. Murk outside; murk inside. I hope, for everyone's sake, the scanners do better. Because if the scanner sees only darkly, the way I myself do, then we are cursed, cursed again and like we have been continually, and we'll wind up dead this way, knowing very little and getting that little fragment wrong too."

- Bob Arctor, Chapter 11, A Scanner Darkly by Phillip K. Dick, 1977.

Now made into a major motion picture. Directed by Richard Linklater. Starring Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder.

An incident in the lift

Yes, this is exactly what this might sound like.

I was but a moment ago a prisoner inside my own lift. Hmm, right on the floor where I am staying with my aunt the lift stopped, but wouldn't let me out!

My pulse racing, I proceded to try every button on the panel that I can press, tried finding a hatch door somewhere on the ceiling, and also tried plying the door open with my handy crowbar...

Eh, ok, I didn't have a crowbar, and I didn't pressed all the buttons, but I was stuck just a moment ago prior to writing this post. But thankfully the kindly security lady from downstairs phoned up and asked me how I was, and promised a swift extraction as the masters of the lift's arrival was imminent. Ok, they were just ordinary maintenance crew persons, but they got me out from the maw of that horrible monster of a lift alive and well to still be able to put all this down on paper (soft-copy?).

Anyways, just another day in HKSAR...

A series of events

Today was a stressful and eventful day. Normally on this blog I don't bother recording every nitty-gritty detail of my day-to-day living, unlike some blogs that I have came across where it is just about this or that day in in bed with a cold or that day out going to this mall that the person has been everyother blog post only THIS TIME, its different, somehow. No I don't bother with that sort of blogs, nor do I intend to make this one of them. Sorry to the folks who do, but I don't.

Today was a stressful and eventful day. Still in HKSAR, where the weather is FI-INE~! with the usual smoggy haze (or hazy smog?) covering the islands. I was going to a museum on Dr Sun Yat-Sen, the first successful Chinese republican revolutionary, who in 1911 successfully initiated an uprising in Qing dynasty Wuchang province (I learnt that today!). I recieved a phone call while I was walking, and it turned out that the flight I was on the waiting list for has became available to me and therefore I can stay in HKSAR for an extra five days. I had previously wanted to do so because of my grandmother who wanted me at her birthday dinner which would have been after the 1st when I was supposed to leave. But now that the dinner was moved forwards in order to accomodate me I did not need to. But I did it anyways and so now I leave on the 6th.

Half an hour or so later, when I was in the museum, I recieved another phone call. This time it was my mum. She wanted to ask me to buy something extra to bring back, and I took the opportunity to tell her that I will be back later than expected. Now she was a bit annoyed. No she was not very happy. Actually she was a bit below furious. Ok maybe not so extreme but she was otherwise not fully supportive of my decision to stay longer than needed in HKSAR; I had of course other things that I could have done in Melbourne such as work and also some house chores that only a guy can do. Sorry ladies, no offense. She was telling me that I should keep the family in my head more often, and should have thought of the family before I decided to postpone my flight unnecessarily, which was rightly so coz I had only wanted to stay because I like it here. But my family is in Melbourne, and do need me and I was a selfish jerk. Not my mum's words exactly, but my spin on it anyhow. She told me that it was my decision, that I can still decide, but that I should decide with family in mind that's all, and so she left it at that.

After the call, I immediately tried calling the airline, but they were on lunch break. I went on to lunch myself and called back later to see whether I can reverse my decision from before. At this point only an hour and fifteen minutes have past from my mum's call, but already there was no seats which was to my expectation. I asked to be waitlisted again for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th. I doubted, though, whether I would be able to get on any flights in those dates.

With my flight details uncertain, I still decided to call my mum back just to update her. So I called the office only to find out that she had left already. When I got her on the mobile I told her everything about the flights and the waiting list. She nodded her way through, and then she suddenly dropped a bombshell: my sister was just involved in a car accident, exactly half an hour before. I'd thought I heard wrongly with all the earwax in my right ear or something, but it was true, she drove through a stop sign and didn't spot a car coming from the left. The collision pushed the car to the right and she slammed into a parked car on the right. God be thanked that no one was injured badly, but it was rightly a shock for all. She's only just gotten her probationary license for a month. Her name was not in the insurance policy. She was at fault. I found out later that there could be an excess of AUD$2050 to pay to the insurance company.

My mum told me this and broke down. She said that she tried calling my dad when she found out but couldn't reach him as usual. Ever since the break-up my dad never picked up if he knew it was her. She told me it was more than she could handle, and told me that this is exactly the reason why she was telling me to keep the family in mind; don't be a selfish jerk like my dad. She broke down as I told her that I will, and I will try to change, and that she'd need not worry too much; all the usual crap that I say but never much more than that I am ashamed to say. She'd told me that as well in the first phone call at the museum. She'd told me a lot more, and now this has happened, right when I had just postponed my flight out of selfishness, right when she had just told me to think of the family, right when we don't have much money, right when the family has lost its head and is now walking on purely by faith, and new found faith at that. And here I am overseas having my holiday.

"God speaks in the language you know best— not through your ears, but through your circumstances." (My Utmost, 29th Jan) I was sitting in the tram (yes, HKSAR has trams, but only on Hong Kong Island) pondering these words which I had just read a couple of days ago. I was wondering what God was speaking to me. I told Him I don't know what the point of all this is, why one thing after another, why all in the last ten months. It is exactly like the Chinese saying 'Falling into a well, only to have a stone come down after', or literal translation 'Down well throw stone'. I was wondering all this, all with only one single answer that I got from my head: God is Sovereign.

I am currently reading Job. Such a great book. Elihu puts it wonderfully:

"Why do you contend with Him?
For He does not give an accounting of any of His words"

There is nothing that God does without a valid reason. But when He does something, He indeed does not need to explain it to mere mortals like us. Do we tell a car why we need to go to some destination on a cold winter's day? Do we tell a dog why it needs to be put down? Neither the car nor the dog would understand our reasons purely because we are on a level higher than they.

"For God may speak in one way, or in another,
Yet man does not percieve it."

Why then do I contend with Him?

I felt like hitting myself. I felt like I had wronged my Lord Jesus yet again, and He shakes His head at my folly. I am not sure if He really did, but that was how I felt, sitting there in that tightly packed tram, unable to stretch out, unable to talk, hardly able to concentrate.

Later on a bus up to the Peak, the highest point (obviously) on Hong Kong Island where I had spent most of my day today, I was thinking back to the start of Job, when he had just lost his property, and his sons. He said those famous words:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Job wasn't a fool all the time, even if he was for much of the book. I shall not be made a fool as well.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there is pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You poured out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say:

Blessed be the name of the Lord!

No Stars in the HKSAR

Hong Kong just doesn't have the sky for stars. As a star-deprived son of an overpopulated metropolis I journeyed down south. I still remember the very first time I laid eyes on the glorious tapestry of what must have been God's cape draped majestically across Heaven... I never gave it much thought.

But as I saw it each late night I return to my abode, I found myself bewildered by the sheer amount of tiny beacons that dot the night sky of my new home. Each with its distinct blue reddish silver pink, winking at me from the horizon, or piercingly staring from on high. Some clear moonless nights I would even see shadows of stardust (nebulae) displayed in the blank spaces between stars.

One day I decided that I would get a telescope one day when I have enough money. I would put it on my balcony at the back and just scope out each star one at a time. I would let my eyes roam across Heaven's jewels, God's own treasury.