Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Starphillia

I LOVE STARS...

Just in case it wasn't obvious enough!

It is their simple features, a simple speck of light, that when viewed all together, becomes a glorious multitude of colours that glides effortlessly across the night sky, literally explodes before my very eyes; a humbling experience.

S: Do you star gaze for hours and then see the stars 'moving' so to speak?
J: haha last time in the summer I would go outside into the back balcony, and on the side there I could climb onto the roof of the garage from which I could climb onto the roof of the house.
S: Wah nice!!!
J: I would sit there on the roof and just gaze; the view is spectacular. Yea it is very nice... and the stars in the summer is a lot more brighter and clearer than winter...
Yeah so I think I am quite an avid lover of the cosmic heavens... just in case you haven't noticed... =p

Monday, November 27, 2006

Star Sojourner

Once upon a time, I had a dream.

It was a dream set across continents, over rough waters, past mighty mountain ranges, through murky forest trails. I dreamt of travel, of a life of wandering, self-abandonment, self-isolation, self-imposed exile. I dreamt of taking what I can physically hold, and just leave where I was to go on a journey, bound for no where in particular, only following each days whims and the long road. I dreamt of lying down at night with the glorious tapestry of the Milky Way as my ceiling, the swaying grass my mattress, and the misty fog my blanket.

I dreamt the life of a sojourner, never staying long at any place, drawn almost compulsively to the road. Of meeting people one day, then leaving without a trace the next. Or perhaps next week. Perhaps a month. There would be no set rule, no permanency; just the whim, and the road.

Who knows, maybe some day I might go on such a journey.

Perhaps one day, with you...

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Blogging in 1807

In 1807, there are four persons of note whose deeds are only spoken of in hushed tones among obscure circles around dinner tables hidden in forgotten back chambers of mysterious mansions at enigmatic locales.

M, M, K, & J.

Doubter of Doubts

Sometimes, I look back on what this year has all being about and I would shudder at the mighty and awesome things that the Lord has walked me through. He was there every step of the way of course, even though sometimes I would not believe it. But I only had to look at the trials that I went through, the horrors of darkness, the highest of highs and breakthroughs, that I realised I could have said the same of having walked through that mess as well; and knowing that I really did walk through it all, how then can I doubt that God had being there every step of the way?

So doubters doubt, but yet I end up doubting my doubts. Strange how a mind works. Truly wonderful and marvelous how its formed. All creation testifies to the great works of God, His loving care in all things, how much more would He care for the ones whom He had called His own? How much more greater would His plans be for all of us who call upon His name?

My future is indeed in His hands. Where else would be safer? Where else could be more secure?

My heart gladdens, a cloud lifts from around my head; the weight upon my shoulders eases, but of course is still there: one does not just leave everything to the helper when He comes, for one still has the responsiblilty to carry it through to the very end; its just that the helper makes it all bearable. Thank God.

Bubble of Blabble

Gosh it has being a long year.
Longer than I would have liked,
Too much of a drag sometimes,
But greater than any other.

It has being a long home coming,
Finding a place in the world;
A reason for the madness,
Of yester-months.

Man, how I wish i was a better poet,
To be able to write what I truly want to write,
Express that which I wish to express,
In clever prose elegantly constructed.

Alas it cannot be,
All my words turn into mush,
Meaningless blabble
All too much.

Really what the heck did I just write? Must be all the late nights!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

The Sandman's Sand

Sometimes I would dream of you.
But most times I just don't dream at all.
It just makes those times when I see you so much more worthwhile.

I don't have much to offer.
Neither riches in pocket nor riches in heart.
What I do offer is love, undying, un-selfish and true.
The love that one much greater than I had taught me
To do for you that which I could not have done before.

Longing makes me languish,
Waiting leaves me to the whips, a slow violent torture.
Uncertainty bores into my soul, undermining my strength.
Do not do this unto me any longer,
Neither affection and zeal, nor hatred and rejection.
An existence in the realm of lukewarmness,
Neither hot nor cold.
Is it so hard for you to just say you love me?
Is it so bad of me to expect an answer?
The Lord did not create us for half-answers and shadowy truths.
So come out and say what you truly feel.
Come out and say.

I shall love you to the day I die;
You whom I have found after all these years.
I belong to you.

Monday, November 20, 2006

And so it is...

I realise that I probably haven't updated my blog as often as I should, and frankly, I think for the past few weeks I couldn't care less. Sorry.

Hah, why am I saying sorry?! A monumental battle rages inside my head and I apologise for not updating a BLOG? Why that's absurd! Fight that battle first before entertaining any notion of writing, lest the battle spills into the words like wildfire, creating chaos in content, disparities and conflicts at every paragraph.

What battle? I always say that my mind is like the Houses of Parliament, full of discord, division, and disagreements. And lately the discord rages about God and the future, the division about relationships, the disagreements about family. A battle that had still not being resolved; one that may never completely be won.

They say for anyone to truly believe, there must also be a time of doubt as well. Maybe I am going through that, maybe I am just confused, maybe I am just not faithful enough, maybe I am feeling unworthy again. I don't know.

Maybe I just need to listen more and complain less. Let His words come like a quiet whisper in a rushing wind. Let me just hear Him. Let what I hear be a lamp unto my feet. Amen.

Bobskate Internazionale '06

In latter years this will be a day to be remembered, reminisced and reflected upon. It has being immortalised on digital mpeg, this deed that we all had done. As adrenaline-rushing as high speed skiing, as addictive as krispy kreme on a cold winter day; today the world has witnessed the birth of a new sport from humble beginnings.

It had all being above ground in an apartment carpark situated in Carlton, Melbourne. The centrepoint where the dream was first dreamt, the vision first seen, it became the first place to host an event unlike any other seen by the likes of men all around the world.

And it all started when a skateboard somehow found its way into the Seasons carpark third floor, where there was a cosmic alignment of characters gathered for a film shoot on a cool spring evening in early October 2006. Ideas abounded and before long the sharp turns and steep ramps became the very first circuit for the fledgling passtime first dubbed by one as "bob-skating". After one short stint at filming a still clumsy attempt at reproducing bobsledding on concrete, the group decided to return for an intensive study at the art of steering a skateboard by way of counter balancing weight, down steep ramps, in the fastest time. Thus today, November 19th will be a day to be remembered.

Footage may be posted, but at this point in time, it is sufficient to report that there will most certainly be further developments. This may be the start of an underground cult sport. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

One Day
















An unknown (by me) galaxy. Courtesy of NASA images. I love NASA. hahah

One day I wish I can afford the equipment to capture my own images. Maybe not as nice as these from the Hubble space telescope, but nice enough.

One day...

Humble man called Moses

Moses was someone whom God spoke to face-to-face. Can anybody imagine what that means? I figured it like this: I have noticed that in the many accounts written by Moses regarding the journey to the Promised Land, God descended from the pillar of smoke and appeared before Moses so many times. Its as if God was just someone who got off a plane and you see step out of the sliding doors at the airport; He appears and you can physically greet and welcome Him. Moses had that type of relationship with God and I really admire that sort of intimacy with our Maker.

But the most amazing part of Moses's relationship with God is not just that they saw each other in the face, but that God was even willing to defend him in he face of accusation and opposition, even from other "Godly" men. Numbers 12 showed a particular episode where Moses found himself accused of having a foreign 'exotic' wife from Ethiopia by Aaron and Miriam. God actually went out of the way to call all three persons into His presence at the Tabernacle, where He once again descended in a cloud of smoke. God spoke out against Aaron and Miriam, in a statement that continues to baffle and amaze me since when I first read it some time ago. Can you imagine? You are been accused of an act, which the highest authority in all of existence has no problem with, and the highest authority actually stoops down to become your advocate!

Here is what He actually says:
"Hear now My words:
If there is a prophet among you,
I, the Lord, make Myself known
to him in a vision;
I speak to him in a dream.
Not so with My servant Moses;
He is faithful in all My House.
I speak with him face to face,
Even plainly, and not in dark sayings;
And he sees the form of the Lord.
Why then were you not afraid
To speak against My servant Moses?"

Wouldn't anyone want to have this type of advocate when they are faced with a problem? I know I would. What made God so favor Moses? Well, as WH shared to me yesterday, the answer was in the same chapter: verse 3. Moses was the most humble man in all the world. I remember John Bevere once said also that humility is one of the factors in maintaining an intimate relationship with God.

But notice that this verse was in Numbers... and for those who know a bit about the background of this book, something very strange immediately comes to mind. Didn't Moses himself wrote the book? Why is he writing that he was humble? Isn't that like a paradox? At first I thought it was too. Until I considered what humility really is.

So what is humility? Its not putting yourself down, but putting yourself where you really belong in God. Why, Moses wasn't humble just because he said it in his book, it is actually because of his actions. What he wrote in Numbers was just the truth.Its not about playing down the gifts that God has given us, but knowing where we really are despite those gifts. Its about knowing where we are with God: we are His servant, to be faithful in His House. We are nothing without God. To understand and to live like this is the sign of a person with true humility.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked. .... with Beer

Disclaimer: I do not endorse this type of behaviour, esp. prior to marriage.

Here's ONE reason not to yell at your wife.

A guy and his wife were speeding down the interstate when a state cop pulls him over.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you were going 80." Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: "I will also give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for months." Man gives his wife a dirty look. Officer: "I will also give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells, "Bitch, shut your damn mouth"
The Officer turns to the woman and says, "Ma'm,does your husband talk to you this way all the time??
Wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

Bloooggggiiiiiiinnnnnnnnggggggggg

Its times like these that begs for some sort of creative outlet, times like these where ideas buzz around my head, yet nothing seems to make sense, and in the end nothing is written. So I am resigned to just sit here in my nice office seat at work, doing nothing but waiting for the next phone call, and vegetate. I could almost feel extensions of root stalks creep around my limbs and torso, locking me into place on my seat, just as roots dig into the soil and lock a tree onto solid ground. I feel like a dead weight of a thousand years is upon my shoulders as I sit here and wait. My eyes no longer wander about the room, but now fixated at the pulsating screen even as these words are typed out by the only part of my body that's still moving: my fingers. I tried to wiggle my toes a bit, but it will not respond. Am I conscious? Unconscious? Dead perhaps? I knew not, and I cared not; only the continual staring and the mindless taping of my fingers upon this keyboard seems to matter right at this moment.

Suddenly a flash on the screen robbed me of my inner musings. I was transported back into the real world; I've got a MSN message:

m:
hey justin
m:
you not at work ah?

I stared at the pop-up with wide-eyed bewilderment, as if this most routine occurence had never occurred to me before. My mind was still easing out of deep cryo-sleep, the stalks slowly retreating back from whence they came. My body came back alive; I was not a vegetable anymore, a human once again.

j: haha no i am, just not at wishlist today...

Monday, October 23, 2006

Farewell

A great man has left in the wee hours of today. It is both a sad, but at the same time an exciting and joyous time, for now he goes on a great new Fantastic Adventure In Trusting Him. He has indeed touched many lives during his time here, and I am sure he will go on to touch even more back home. His time with us here may have come to an end, but God's time for him has just begun. Don't look back brother, don't ever feel regret. Remember us, but don't let us tie you back from the greater things that God has called you to. May God always be before you, and that you trust in His strength. God bless you and your family, bro. See ya.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

7 steps to making love with your wife

Step One: Tell her she got beautiful eyes.
Step Two: Tell her you love her.
Step Three: Switch off lights.
Step Four: Cannot see, put on torchlight...

Not my original work, and DEFINITELY not the way I would go about it!!!

Intimacy

"As long as you have the idea that God will always bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of His silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, then He will give you the first sign of His intimacy— silence."

Wow

I never really thought that getting the silent treatment is a step into intimacy with Him, but when I think about it, it indeed is. Think of our own friendships. The best and closest friends can go hours without speaking, and just be with each other such is their intimacy. Think of the dear old couple who only speaks a few words in the evening during dinner time; it is not because they are ignoring each other, living with each other out of convenience, its because there is no need for an exchange of verbal communication. If silence can mean thus in our earthly relationships, then so much more our Heavenly relationship with our Maker!

My goodness, His silence is one of joy and one of reassurance, despite what the Enemy will say about these times when I seem to get nothing from prayer, no powerful moment of ministry, not a single word of instruction or encouragement. Why, when God is silent, He is showing He has already heard me! This has been my revelation for this morning, and what a morning, what a revelation!

Your name is like honey on my lips
Your Spirit like water to my soul
Your Word is a lamp unto my feet
Jesus I love you.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Thursday, October 05, 2006

In Da 'Ouse

Aiiieeee, welcomez to de ouse wherez wez za gonna play Jason Mraz and Dashboard 'hile wez talk 'ike 'his maan.

Yup, I have totally completely positively absolutely lost my mind. Must be Borat from last night.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Fly me to the moon

Hmm, thinking back, I am not sure when was the last time I had an event at my place that was about as big as the one tonight (or last night). A nice barbeque in the evening under the moonlight, coupled with some jamming and playing boardgames... it was a pleasantly entertaining night.

I think I could do with a few more functions like this at my place soon... heh, fly me to the moon anytime man...

Monday, September 25, 2006

Prophecies?

Since I got nothing else better to do for the night, I decided to do the age-old time-honoured tradition of bloggers all over the world:

Put your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if they don't make sense. You'll be surprised though.. NO CHEATING!

How are you feeling today?
I Cry - Trick Daddy ft. Ron Isley
(hmm, quite right for like two seconds today...thankfully)

Will you get far in life?
Knocking on Heavens Door - Bob Dylan
(Wow, I like that =P)

How do your friends see you?
Still Standing - Israel Houghton & New Breed
(Err... that's cool I guess)

Will you get married?
Only Hope - Mandy Moore
(Oh man... you can't be serious?!)

What is your best friend's theme song?
Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay
(Speechless)

What is the story of your life?
Salvation is Here - Hillsongs Australia
(Brilliant! That is THE story of my life!)

What was high school like?
Song of the Broken - Something Like Silas
(On the spot as well... Is this a prophetic tool? If it is I have cause for concern...see above)

How can you get ahead in life?
Turn - Travis
(It's that easy?)

What is the best thing about your friends?
Love Child - Diana Ross
(Hmm, I am not sure I like the sound of that...)

What is today going to be like?
Not Pretty Enough - Kasey Chambers
(Better suit up better then...)

What is in store for this weekend?
Journey - Corrinne May
(Oh heck, not another one...)

What song describes you?
Shy Boy - Katie Melua
(Me? Shy? That's like yonks ago man...)

To describe your grandparents?
Divine Invitation - Something Like Silas
(Hmm... an invitation to evangelise?)

How is your life going?
Lost In Space - Lighthouse Family
(HAHA... email)

What song will they play at your funeral?
Open Up The Gates - Planetshakers
(Woot! I am going home baby!)

How does the world see you?
Not Forgotten - Israel Houghton & New Breed
(Hmm, I am glad... sort of)

Will you have a happy life?
Lifesong - Casting Crowns
(Is that an answer? A song about what I wonder...)

What do your friends really think of you?
Thankful - Caedmon's Call
(Heh heh heh)

Do people secretly lust after you?
Lift Up Your Eyes - Planetshakers
(Well I shall take that as YES)

How can I make myself happy?
I Do It For You - Bryan Adams
(You will? You will?)

What should you do with your life?
There Are Worse Things I Could Do - Lesley Gore
(Oh shoot, really ah?)

Will you ever have children?
Tomorrow - Bebe & Cece Winans
(Eh... I am just not too sure if that's a good idea...)

A little something from My Utmost...

Our Lord’s teaching can be summed up in this: the relationship that He demands for us is an impossible one unless He has done a super-natural work in us. Jesus Christ demands that His disciple does not allow even the slightest trace of resentment in his heart when faced with tyranny and injustice. No amount of enthusiasm will ever stand up to the strain that Jesus Christ will put upon His servant. Only one thing will bear the strain, and that is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ Himself— a relationship that has been examined, purified, and tested until only one purpose remains and I can truly say, "I am here for God to send me where He will." Everything else may become blurred, but this relationship with Jesus Christ must never be.

The Sermon on the Mount is not some unattainable goal; it is a statement of what will happen in me when Jesus Christ has changed my nature by putting His own nature in me. Jesus Christ is the only One who can fulfill the Sermon on the Mount.

If we are to be disciples of Jesus, we must be made disciples supernaturally. And as long as we consciously maintain the determined purpose to be His disciples, we can be sure that we are not disciples. Jesus says, "You did not choose Me, but I chose you. . ." ( John 15:16 ). That is the way the grace of God begins. It is a constraint we can never escape; we can disobey it, but we can never start it or produce it ourselves. We are drawn to God by a work of His supernatural grace, and we can never trace back to find where the work began. Our Lord’s making of a disciple is supernatural. He does not build on any natural capacity of ours at all. God does not ask us to do the things that are naturally easy for us— He only asks us to do the things that we are perfectly fit to do through His grace, and that is where the cross we must bear will always come.

Of preachers, ramblers and poems

Haha lately I seem to have rambled alot and preached alot on this blog... sorry for overloading, and for generally not making sense! =)

But I think bloging is therapeutic for me. It sets my mind at ease, giving me a break from just musing and daydreaming all these things in my head, and allowing me to just pour it all out so I don't have to think about it over and over. If someone asked me to blog a year ago I would have laughed at the absurdity: I am no writer. Yet now I surprise myself sometimes. Please don't take me as being one of the self-praising types, for if someone were to say to me I am good at writing, I would still say no, and thats the truth. I never really felt I can write. I still don't. I guess the point of all this rambling is that maybe all of this is the big HS doing His work in me. Maybe that's why its therapeutic...

Haven't written a poem in ages. Lately I just don't have the time, nor the muse for it. I want to exercise that muscle for a long time, lest I lose it like I lost drawing. Hmm... maybe one now for the road? Right here, right now, no scripts, no pre-planning, no idea what it will be about, no idea where its gonna go, but let's just take it as it comes and see where we end up...

There once was a boy
With a nose for picking toys
That fills his life with laughter.
He went to his sacred store
Where he found his favorite toy.
A big yellow roadster,
Full of pride, flashy bluster.

He hurriedly went in
To take it for a spin,
Not caring for the ropes and pins
That held it securedly in
Its own little box.
Round the block he goes,
The aisles all he knows.
'Til a man caught him by the collar
And brought him back to his mother.

She asks him where he's being
And tells him what trouble he's in,
Opening the box of a toy car
Not paying for it but playing
And making a mess of things!
Rightttt Justin. Something you have done perhaps?

Choices choices choices...

Sometimes, the number of choices is so many, I just don't know where to start deciding. I want a career. I want to study. I want to make lots of friends all over the places. I want to invest in particular friendships. I want to live for God. I want to make money. I want to move out. I want an apartment. I want to support my family. I want to be there for them. I want to leave everything behind and just wander. I want to backpack Europe. I want to traverse the Sahara. I want to design interiors. I want to write a comic. I want to sail the seven seas. I want to fight the good fight. I want... why is there so many wants, so many aspirations, so many things that I could have done yet didn't, so many choices...?

All this choice, yet so little time. I am tired.

Living can be so hard. Lately I see life as somewhat comparable to standing at multiple crossroads, with pathways leading off in all directions, yet never getting anywhere. We live in a world so full of choice that it sometimes seems like there is really no choice at all. What is the difference between choosing to go down the path of a psychologist or a lawyer? Is there any real meaning in deciding what mobile network I choose to go with? Is there a fundamental difference in the choice of friends with whom I hang out with? So I am left with nothing; all choices seems meaningless to me, just as Solomon had concluded in writing his book. So all that's left is God. God is the only one who has meaning, who can give me meaning. Yet why do I still feel this way, despite believing in Him? Why do I still feel so directionless, overwhelmed by the big bad world of non-choices?

The answer probably lies in how well do I know God. If I do not obey Him, I shall never intimately know Him. If I do not walk with Him as the Apostles did, and obey His commands, I shall never be a true friend of Him (John 15:14). And when I am counted as His friend, oh what a frightful delight that would be! For God lets those who He call friend in on His plans, and even involves them in His decision-making! Look at Abraham, look at Moses!

I strive for that. I want to know God; I need to know Him. I want to obey God; I need to obey Him. For without Him, all things are meaningless.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Kara ok?

I'm more than a bird,
I'm more than a plane,
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train...

Ahh, its nice to just sing your heart out with a bunch of fellow cell members and friends while sipping not-so-honey lemon honey. Cheerios to all who were there, and also to all who could've been but weren't... we did miss you... and I am sorry to say, YOU MISSED OUT! haha...

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Potential

There is something wonderful in the way God sees me. To Him, He sees much more than what I can see. He does not see the pitfalls, the darkness, the would-be sins that I see; for He has already forgiven, forgotten, and wiped it all clean. He sees who I am as if sin had never laid a finger on me, and I stand righteous by the blood of Jesus Christ before Him.

At least that is what I am told. At least it is biblical.

But it is so hard a reality to swallow. Sometimes.

No 'us' in Salvation

Lets refocus... God did not save us coz we were pitiful, nor did He save us coz we asked/demanded it, nor did He save us coz we were deserving, nor did He save us coz we were His creations. Notice all of the above statements had the word 'we' in it. He did not even save us because He loves 'us'....

He saved us simply because He loves His creations. There is no 'we' or 'us' in His reason. It is just His character to love, and we were fortunate enough to have been created special for He had said of us as "very good" instead of just "good", for Him to want to save us. Get with the program, we are not the focus.

It really is a humbling experience.

White As Snow

I am sick of unrighteous anger; I am sick of retribution; I am sick of self-righteousness; I am sick of pride; I am sick of condemnation; I am sick of unforgiveness; I am sick of blame; I am sick of the past; I am sick of pessimism; I am sick of greed; I am sick of money; I am sick of...

Sometimes, life just gets so sickening...
Isaiah 1: 6 says:
From the sole of the foot even unto the head,
there is no soundness in it,
but wounds and bruises and putrefrying sores;
they have not been closed or bound up,
or soothed with ointment.
This is the life of the unredeemed. This is what the world has to offer. This is the price of sin. I believe that the wages of sin is worse than death. Yet why do I sin, why do I continue to turn away, and slide back into the world? I condemn the world, hate its Godlessness, yet I myself is no different, no better. Who am I to say such things? I cannot judge for I myself is to be judged. I fall and fall; there seems to be no end in my self-condemnation.

At times, I fall so far back into the darkness that I even forget about what God has already done.

Isaiah reminded me.
Come now, and let us reason together,
says the Lord,
Though your sins are like scarlet,
They shall be as white as snow;
Though they are red like crimson,
They shall be as wool.
(Is. 1: 18)

No matter how far down I go, as long as my heart still yearns for God, as long as I confess and repent my sins before Him, as long as I go back to the Cross and accept Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, those sins will be wiped clean, and I shall be white as snow, be as wool.

Praise be to God for He is Good. All the time.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Of passionate fear

I have once found a passion that knews no bounds. It was something of a gift, something of a innate talent that I was fortunate to be blessed with. I took pride in it. It was the gift of drawing.

I have once another passion that knew no bounds. It was something that could have been more. It ruled my mind, and held captive my heart. It was a love/infatuation/relationship that never gotten anywhere.

I have once another passion that knew no bounds. It was something of a focus that drove my life. It came like a bad rash, and is now fading away with the passage of time. I thought it could have lasted forever. It was my academic foray into psychology.

I have one passion now that had known no bounds. It was something of an accident, something of a pre-ordained destiny. It gave me my freedom, it gave me hope, it gave me strength, and it gave me a renewed outlook on life. I think it might last forever as well. It was my encounter with God.

Despite these passions, I have never really done anything in its hot pursuit, to attain it. I have neglected and went to opposite direction from drawing, to the point where I have now lost the gift that was given to me. I have been inert in my affections, and now its too late and there is no turning back. I had spent the last three years moving along through my course, and had never really pursued it with what you would call passion; now it no longer crosses my mind, and attaining honours seems so far away. Would you call these things passions if I do not actively pursue it?

There is a fear within me that my 'passion' for God may be of the same caliber as these other things. Is it truly one of my biggest passions to know and love God? What if it becomes just another 'passion' that fades away, or left neglected is lost forever? Sometimes, I truly hate myself for wanting something badly, yet being so indifferent to it in my actions. I know God is forever, God is eternal, God's love will always be the same. Yet I know my own, and I know that I am not forever, not eternal, and neither is my love; that a day comes when it will all become insignificant again, just as it was with everything else I call my passions. Can I sense the coming of this day just around the corner? Do I feel the strain today? I feel its oppressive presense everyday, a fear that just won't go away.

I hope that day will never come, when my love for God shall fail, and my faith crumbles beneath my own iniquities. I would rather die before that day if it must come. The thought is one of my greatest fears.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Lights of the Night

I realised over the past couple of days that I haven't been posting any 'stars' lately... so to make up for it all...

This here is nicknamed the "Rotten Egg" galaxy... dunno what the official name is though.

















Another unnamed galaxy... has a vague resemblance to the Andromeda Galaxy in the Andromeda constellation though... do correct me if I am wrong.














NGC613 of the Sculptor constellation in all her brilliant glory...


















A view from my room...














What? This is also a light in the night what....

GG-fied

I dropped my new phone of two days for the very first time tonight, in my own garage at home. I forgot it was on my lap and it fell when I got out of my car. Thankfully no visible scratches... but was quite GG-fied moment there...

GG-fy. verb (GG-fied, GG-fying) To GG someone, the act of getting someone into a GG situation. (Coined by a Mr D. Y.)

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Why?!

You don't need to have eyes to see
Nor do you need ears to hear
Coz even if you do
You will still not understand the fullness of my love.

Sometimes, 'why' is just too unimportant a question...

Monday, September 11, 2006

Humbled and Full of Days

Now prepare yourself like a man;
I will question you, and you shall answer Me:
Would you annul my judgement?
Would you condemn Me that you may be justified?
Have you an arm like God?
Or can you thunder with a voice like His?

no

Who then is able to stand against Me?
Who has preceded Me, that I should pay him?
Everything under heaven is Mine.

yes
I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear,
But now my eye sees You.
Therefore I abhor myself,
And repent in dust and ashes.

and then the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning... and he died, old and full of days.
I hope that I can be like that...

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Sundays

Sundays are just so delightful. I love Sundays most out of all the days of the week, and that's not only because there is church and I go to an incredible church out there by the bay (ok it is not exactly by the beach anymore but it's still near there!). I think I love Sundays for its uniquely unencumbered feel, its nonchalantness, the lack of overly exertful events and stress, and also more for the people whom I usually meet on Sundays as well. But above all others, I love Sundays simply because it is a day set apart from the week, away from troubles and worries (as best as can be arranged), a day where I can catch my breathe before launching into a brand new week of struggles, hardships, heights of thrills, and the lows of disappointments. It is my pit-stop, my own time when I can tighten those screws that have came loose or at risk of breaking off totally during the course of the week.

Thank God for Sundays... Really.

Crying Like A Church On Monday

There is something about this song that gets me... I don't rightly know if its the words or just the music, but everytime I hear it, no matter how blissfully ignorant and high I am feeling at that moment, I will always come back down... in a good way, but emo nonetheless. Guess it's just right on the dot for me I suppose. The lyrics are not supposed to be Christian by-the-way... don't say I did'nt warn you...

I was dancing
With your shadow
Slow down memories hall
I said, wait. have I been seduced and forgotten?
You said, baby, havent we all!
Now I dont like crying
Because it only gets me wet
But I cant help failing
To remember to forget you
And I know its gonna be a long time
And Im crying like a church on monday
Praying for these feelings to go away
So do me a favor baby
Put down your new god
And love me like sunday again
I was hiding in your bedroom
When I saw him come inside
I cant live in his shadow
Is that where Im dancing untill I die
Now I dont light candles
Because they make me see the light
That I cant help failing
To remember to forget you
And I know its gonna be a long time
And Im crying like a church on monday
Praying for these feelings to go away
So do me a favor baby
Put down your new god
And love me like sunday again

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius

Don't ask me to pronounce that, coz it will just end in a fit of laughter the type of which I am not prepared to do right now at this hour (time of writing of course), but I think this is adequate description of drama today (or should I say yesterday)! Yes, it was...

All of you guys are just super talented!!! I still gasp and splutter and stare wide-eyed-open-mouthed at the various different gifts that each of you all bring, and it really does warm my heart that all of it is for His mighty work! Really, I can't wait till BAF(oo)N!

Wonderful...

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Bright Eyes

Bright lights, big city
Was quite extraordinary.
The drive was pretty.
I was in perfect company.
The love of a lifetime,
Since we were elementary friends;
The one with the bright eyes..

Why can't I be optimistic?
I tried to find the logic logically.
I had a dream and I could not shake it.
I was standing up there naked.

There's fear in the truth at hand, frozen I forgot to understand
The live keep living; growing older more into a man..
And I let her grow away from me.

Love.. love is not pretending.
Time.. time was meant for mending
Memories into all is satisfactory,
Healthy smiles fill the page the day we spent in miles.
And I let her drive away from me.

The one with the bright eyes
Laughed her way inside this music box;
Stored away in the corner of my heart. And I let her get away from meÉ
But I'll never take that day away from me.


(Words by Jason Mraz)

Monday, August 28, 2006

The Technocratic Fellowship

What do you call a bunch of guys in a high tech apartment with surveilance cameras around every bend? The Drawing Near Fellowship! Woot!

Love O Romantic Love

Oh how splendid and yet so terrible a love can be. It has the sweet aroma of honey that lingers within one's nose long after smelling it, and comforts like sunshine after rain (Shakespeare); but it is also like a gnawing heart worm that strangles and chokes producing constant longing for release. I am of course not referring to the eternal love of God, but to the romantic love that people have for one another, which is far from being perfect... yes I am a cynic when it comes to this. I know from the bite of unrequited affection to mild fancy, to complete domination at the hands of infatuation. No I may be no guru, nor teacher, but I can tell you I have being through the thick and thin of romance and knew of such things that can turn a man back into a boy.

Man will always be fools in love. It seems there are no remedy for this ailment that inflicts us all, impairing our speech, our hearing, our vision, our thinking; it is worst than cataphracs, does more than arthritis, and is one of the more fatal killers of youth since the dawn of time. Wretched beings that we are! But dare I say that men will never survive without love, for it binds us and pervades our thoughts. Indeed it may be an ailment, but it shall also be our greatest joy.
Something stirs in the hearts of men,
That one unmistakable thug
Who pounds upon the door
In places men knows not of
But is brought to grudging awareness
When that fellow funs amok.

He moves with the stealth of a puma,
And attacks like a fleeting cheetah.
He strikes when one is not prepared,
Leaving behind a shell-shocked stutterer.

The anarchist within men's hearts
A budding terrorist.
Yet without men are equally lost,
For a man who does not love is
No man at all.
For a man cannot walk the highest peaks of mountains
Nor feel the ecstatic rush of victory,
Without first knowing how to love,
To pine, to passion, to have infatuation,
For that taste of the exotic, that touch of otherness,
To be consumed and lost in something greater
Better than himself.

Sunnies and Bright Yellow

hey, he-ey, something's different in my world today
they changed my traffic sign to a brighter yellow...
Just think what a wonderful world that would be...
A different world from a different perspective.
Or it could just be my sunglasses...

Veni, vidi...

I came, I saw, I typed, now my fingers sore. Data Entry completed...
Now for boring old sit-and-stare-at-computer-screen-while-waiting-for-next-phonecall routine again. Man, I LOVE this job...

Oops here goes the phone!

Data Entry Again...

Entering data comes with both its sublime joys and its absolute boredom. It gives joy because it means I actually have something to do for the whole day. It is a bore because it's just so monotonous and dry that it borders on driving me insane. Well, just glad to be of help I suppose to these wonderful social work people who are already worked to maximum capacity already, providing counselling, translation services, liasing with medical professionals and government organisations on behalf of clients who otherwise have no one else to turn to for help.

Yes, I am just another cog in this wonderful organisation that is seriously a God-send. Brilliant.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Prayer works

Prayer works, for if its not prayer and God's good graces I would not have seen so many wonderful things in such a short amount of time!

My beloved mother mum is probably one of the most courageous and wonderful woman who have occupied a very BIG slot in my to-pray-for list for a very long time. This morn' was a realisation, and a very big PROOF that prayer works... for my dear ole' mum came a-walking while I was trying to play "I'm Yours" on guitar before I head off to church (yeah there is some sort of connection between the two, eh, trust me...), and she had a sort of dazed, I-just-woke-up look, but also one that shone with a certain amount of contentment that I had not seen in a while.

Translated into English
"Wei, playing guitar again?" (a good morning greeting in my house)
"Yes, before I head off to church... just a few bars" (believe me, there IS a connection)
"Ah-ha, guess what happened?"
"What?"
"I made a public acceptance." (direct translation)
"Huh? Whats a public acceptance?"
"You know, eh...."
"OH~! A public ACCEPTANCE! You mean you
Accepted Christ?"
"Yeah, last night at the group."
"And you prayed the prayer?" (mouth agape already)
"Yes, you mean was it the same with you?"
"Oh yes, so let me tell you about what happened with me..."

Praise God, for He is Good!

Sometimes, its the simple things that matters most...

No matter where I go, no matter what I encounter, the trials and tribulations, the heights of jubilation, one thing is for certain: that Love is forever and ever the same as always. Unchanging, undying...

Was reminded today where that love was expressed in its most violent, yet most awe-inspiring and yet at the same time beautiful moment known to many as Calvary. Sometimes, its really the simple things that holds the most value and meaning. Christ died, Christ has risen... We are saved, praise the Lord! With His blood He wiped clean all records of my sin, except that which exist in the Lucifer and in my own head. Sounds simple enough. Its good enough for God apparently, as He now has forgiven even me of all that I have done, as well as all that I will do in the future. But yet I still cannot get my head around it... still the same old me wallowing in the mudpit of sin of my own making, and blaming and cursing, and yelling and hitting myself, as if that might appease Him who has already been appeased. I hide from Him like a wanted fugitive, when all He wanted was to hug me and bring me out of that dark hole I dug for myself. Silly.

Get over yourself, I keep telling myself... Get over what you have done, I pleaded, to no avail, as I plunge head-long back into the mud from whence I had been lifted. Such sad self-infliction, almost masochistic if not for the fact that it gives me no pleasure. I am sick of it, sick of living this way. There are times when I think maybe He has forsaken me, maybe He grew sick of me wanting to go back to that pit of self-blame and self-denouncement... maybe He is sick of having to reach into that mud time and time again just to lift me back up.

But thank the Lord that He has come once again this morn'. Thank the Lord that He has not forsaken me. Thank the Lord that He will continue to do it again and again until the day when I can finally stand up and say "this mudpit is not for me, I have better things to do than to wallow about like a boar. Its BORING..."

Thank You for the Cross......

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Please Give Me a Financial Brain

Tax returns sucks.... I spent a total of four hours staring at the form and the relevant information provided.... all for only a dozen or so boxes filled with numbers! Ahhhhghhhh~~~~!!!!!

If there was something that God withheld from me, it would have to be a brain that comprehends money!

Reclusive Hermitage Called Home

Songs in minor
Flowed out from the lyre,
Crash of cymbals
Seething outside through the rain.
This here a refuge for
Neither sorrow nor joy,
Just rumination
And contemplation
Of this here moment in time.

I have a time
Once before the dead of the night,
When the world stood silent
Before majestic stars,
When I felt utter isolation,
Estranged from the woes,
Exiled from the thrill
Of life in this world.
'Tis like a thief in the night
Come hither to what's mine,
Only to rob me of its company,
Denying it from me.

I look out of that window
To see the shroud of grey
Hanging thickly by the brushes
Even during the brightness of day.
I know it's there for a reason,
I know it's there in my mind,
Juddering constantly in my vision
Reminding me of my crime.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Of foods of dubious origin and times of uplifting humour

What a strange title?! And how fitting it was for such a strange day! Yesterday was perhaps one of the most "not my day" type of days I've had in a long while, yet at the same time not a bad day!

Beginning in church where I was at the crux of horrible feedback and terrible team management, where for some weird reason neither the band nor the sound team (i.e. my team) seems to know what they are doing, it was truly God's grace that everything did not come to a crashing halt. By some freak occurence the church had only one workable speaker for about one and a half hours, and in the end was only because by some freak occurence that it was actually just electronically compressed (in other words switched off for those who don't know technical speech).

Sound problems not withstanding, immediately after the feedback fiasco came the 'left-alicya-behind' incident. Yes, I left one of my passengers behind after church to my own utter surprise and embarassment. Oh she was gracious about it, but I can't help but dread what she was really thinking... That was quite dumb.

Just to add insult to injury, SS and I was almost late for J's surprise. Funny that on this particular day there was not a single parking spot to be had in and around Carlton Gardens. Of course, we were ALMOST late, so at least it wasn't as bad as it could have been...

By evening, things were looking slightly more better, though the lack of sleep from the night before was now taking its toll. Drowsiness, coupled with the events of the day, made for a really anti-social recluse who only wanted to play Winning Eleven. That was indeed what I ended up doing, and was late for J's dinner.

There was a somewhat dubious event that sort of sugar-coated an amusingly weird day. The Fall that Almost Fallen on me. I shall say no more lest I harm some poor person's dignity and honour, but let's just say I 'handled' the situation as well as I could have....

*chuckle chuckle

Of nothing in particular

With nothing in mind, and even less preparation on hand I set out to begin to write, just because I felt an overriding need to write something, anything. So here goes the mindless ramblings of a citizen of Earth, going about the business of fools, counting on that immeasurable storehouse of grace found in Heaven to raise me above scheming obstacles scattered about before me. How wonderful that there is this thing in which I can be assured, that my foolishness does not rule over me but that by the Holy Spirit I may be deemed wise above the foolish ways of this world.

Why my thoughts turn to wisdom is beyond me; perhaps it is a sub-conscious desire, or what people professing to be experts refer to as my ideal model self, is. I can surely tell you that to be wise in the ways of the Lord is my fundamental desire, the butt of many of my prayers, a goal that I strive to achieve by the grace of God. Wisdom, as they say, is more prized than diamonds, more stable in value than gold.

Just as Solomon had asked for wisdom, and had said that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, so too do I ask, and fear, the God of Abraham, and of Israel, and all the Prophets. I fear the creator God, the one who formed me in my mother's womb, fashioned me with one over-riding purpose; that is to worship and serve Him. Oh how happy is the hammer that gets used to its full potential and purpose! I shall rejoice in my serving, and rejoice in my worship of the one true God, simply because that is what I was meant to do! And in so doing, fearing God in obedience, attain that which all people should get; Wisdom, which is the Principle thing. In the words of Solomon to his son: Get Wisdom! Get Understanding! And yes, indeed I will!

Looking back, this writer finds himself utterly baffled, and equally
amazed; from a long line of words that meant nothing came srpinging forth
paragraphs about wisdom! The writer sighs a sigh of bewilderment, or perhaps
relief he does not know which. He scratches his head and notice the big orange
button labelled "Publish". The writer felt that maybe he should...

Monday, August 14, 2006

Dream-walker

I dreamt last night of an autumn breeze like a cool, silk-like veil brushing lightly against my face. I took in the scene, finding serenity in the unnatural quietness of an otherwise bustling alleyway where countless cafes and bistros open out onto the footpath. People sat about at various tables, though I could only make out blurry outlines and not faces. I saw nothing of the tall shadowy buildings that flanked both sides, almost threatening to cave in, casting shadows that seems enshroud the goings-on on the alleyway, if not for the small lamps upon each table and within the cafes themselves.

I don't remember walking, but was slowly drawn into the scene, as if floating, towards the warm, gently inviting orange light that seems to beckon bypassers to tarry awhile in its warm glow. As I enter the alleyway, feeling the embrace of the shrouding shade and the glowing lamplights engulf me, I found myself focusing on one particular person on one particular table. She alone was not blurred, and I could make out the face as clear as day despite the shade and the soft lights.

Soon I was before her, as if I'd sat down on her table, though I never felt my legs bend, nor saw any chairs. Such was the incomplete yet vivid picture that dreams usually present; though slightly surreal what with the floating movement and blurry faces. What wasn't incomplete was her face, and the words. I remember 'sitting' down. She had been staring into what I saw as empty space, completely engrossed in her own world. Perhaps she was in a dream of her own, a dreamer within a dream of another. My proximity did not appear to faze her; she continued to dream as it were. She had a wistful face, set with a certain heaviness like there had been a thousand worries in her life, yet her eyes danced like the moonlight upon the sea, as unfazed by those same worries as she was right then of me. Her modest hair was as dark as the shadows in that place, reaching down to her shoulders.

I said a word, probably a greeting, and I saw her eyes reluctantly peel away from whatever dreamscape they must have been focusing on and return to this world, my dream-world. For a moment I saw disorientation, but she quickly composed herself, adjusting to the surroundings as if she had just arrived. She too uttered a greeting, the breeze rustling her hair.

" I think I have seen you before in another dream." she said.
" Like in your own, or mine?" I replied. It seemed true though, for even as we conversed it seems as if we have known each other for years. We launched into a discussion about dreams, and the nature of dreams; how dreams might be a bridge between minds, a gateway to finding unity and oneness with others. I had once heard of a theory about individual minds being like islands; that on the surface we are all separated from each other by boundless seas, but beneath, in the subconscious where dreams lie we are as connected as the islands are by the sea bed. Perhaps both of us had somehow stumbled upon each other in this great expanse of open sea floor that connnects every person within our minds? The thought boggles me, and I found myself feeling like a hopeless romantic.

As our discussion continued, I felt the world lose focus, until the alleyway along with its moody lamplights and broody shadow faded away, replaced by a tent by the seaside as we 'sat' by a dying campfire. It is morning and gulls filled the air above the beach, which stretched as far as my dream-eye can see. At this point both of us suddenly felt that the time has come for farewells; the morning beckons. I feel myself being pulled away, even as I wanted to stay, desiring to just stay by that tent and talk about dreams and nothings with a fellow dream-traveller. In a faraway place, a consistent ringing could be heard as I was drawn away. I glimpsed one last time at the girl whom I had shared this time with; her eyes also losing the liveliness that it had before, as if she too felt the call of morning in whatever part of the world she is in. The dream-scape loses focus, and the stark reality of morning in the real world slams hard upon my chest. The alarm is piercing to my ears, the cold of the morning air assaults my face and limbs, and threatens to invade into that warm space between the sheets.

There are times when I feel the real world is fake and that the dream world is where we really belong. Perhaps there is an ounce of truth insofar that this world is merely a stepping stone to the next. May heaven is a bit like our dreams? Maybe...

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Phew.... another interview down the belt

I tell you, it just doesn't get any easier. But thank God its over. Hopefully I got it... there has being a lot of other applications though.... such a popular research assistant position.

We shall see in the next seven days.

Adult Contemporary: How very post-modernistic

A thought came to my head even as I watched mesmerized by the brilliant arrangement of each song that came belting into my ear, yet at the same time seeming to softly creep up and graced me with its hallowing melodic cry. All at the same time, the audience's diverging worlds converged on one point, even while they stood together, though yet not quite with each other, listening in admiration of three men who played music on the corner stage in a flurry of colours lighting up the shrouding darkness. For each person in the room lived their own lives, claimed their own small victories and walked through their own little struggles. And though we may all be sharing the same space, no one shared the same world, because all had no eyes or ears for their fellows next to them, save maybe their own friends who are present; all were directed to the trio. Within that small space of two hours every one of those worlds were connected, and for a time at least, we can all say that we were of one mind. In the dim stage light of blue, green, red and yellow, with each song sung, each chord rang out, each pop of the pongo, each crash of the splash, and each stab of bass, our worlds were welded together, and felt like it could have lasted forever. We were all in one place, a fantastical place, where there exist songs that unite worlds, and create one that is greater and better than our own, and that's all that mattered. At the climax, all shared in the excitement, and we felt like we had being proposed to in that heart-melting moment; a proposal made in the bliss of collective hype and romance. Perhaps this was what the apex of romantic love should be like...

When the music stopped playing the sense of oneness prevailed for a moment, as the cheers and hoots filled the confined space of the room. When the lights returned however, it was as if awakening from a dream. Did it all really happen? Was the gig really that good? I liked the singing but it was just very good only, right? People broke up back into their own groups, and disintegrated back into their own separate little worlds. The moment had come and gone, and we had lost it like one loses a coat on the subway; we will probably never get it back. We may never have the exact same moment for the rest of our lives. But perhaps, if we are lucky, or very blessed, we may find it again...

Thank you JMraz and Co for a great Monday night...

Monday, August 07, 2006

Being receptionist is quite a cool thang!

Super... here i sit upon my nice swivel chair. MSNing, faxing, photocopying, answering, transferring, and BLOGGING.

Nice job by any description. If only it was PAID. Haha, but that's the meaning of volunteering.

Thank you God for such a nice Monday vocation.

Give a little bit

So give a little bit,
Give a little bit of my life to you.
So give a little bit,
Give a little bit of your time to me.

Now's the time when we need to share
So send a smile, we're on our way back home.

Cutesy song for the glum hearted. GooGooDolls remix of Supertramps 'Give a Little Bit'.
To the one who holds a bit of my heart...

Something about Priorities

Kassandra: Walking out on him was the wisest thing I have done in my life! I couldn't stand it anymore... the constant bickering, the wise-crack jokes, the sarcasm, the FAKE concern... I've....I have had enough. He wasn't the right guy for me anyways. It was time to turn my back and take my leave. I am not gonna just stay there and TAKE it, trying to make something that won't work anyway to work out; I haven't got so much TIME... He is not worth it. *grunts* Another two years of my life WASTED! I could have been doing so much more, I could have taken that ski trip in New Zealand with Mary and the others that we were always dreaming about... or spent more time at the office: maybe then I would have gotten a raise by now... *takes in deep breath* It doesn't matter now; its over. I am a new person; I WILL be a new person. Yes. I am gonna... no I have forgotten about him already, he is history...HISTORY.

White out
Enter Mark

Mark: (In a slow drawl) Lining up at the social service clinic again. Stinks here. Must be the carpet; probably haven't been cleaned in years. I could do it for them. Worked cleaning before, wasn't that hard. *pause* Beats toughing it out on the dole all the time. *pause* Kristal needs to eat, even if I don't. Wish it wasn't so hard on her. That girl... only 6, she is just so sweet. *pause* Wish I could do more for her... now that her mother's gone AWOL she's only got me. Heh, lot of good that did her... We live in an abandoned apartment, in some abandoned part of town; you wouldn't know the place even if I told'cha. Its about as far apart from the world as you can get even in this crowded city. Beats living on the streets, I s'pose. We haven't been there long; a month? *pause* *looks impatiently at the front of queue* Why is it taking so long? Damn it, they just don't care don't they? Gotta be outta 'ere in 10 minutes. Or I might lose this pack mule job I being going to for the past few weeks. Pay's like dirt but its better than the crap they give me 'ere. But still gotta get it coz I've got nothing else. Come on, come on, if I don't show in 10 they gonna want someone else for today. That means no food today. Poor Kristal. Damn it, damn it all...

White out

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Finding Justin

Ah the hum-drum of daily life. The hustle and bustle of modernity. The lion dance of contemporary society.

How empty. How draining. How pointless.

So glad you found me when you did...

Friday, August 04, 2006

John 16:33

'These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.'

Living the Christian walk is not a bed of roses. Things will go wrong in the world, and Jesus told us that during His ministry time on earth. His was the Original Murphy's Law, Amen. But that isn't all folks and all is not lost; because Jesus Christ has given us the power to be victorious and joyous in the midst of tribulation. This is not just a cool one-liner that Christians will pull out of their bag of verses in times of trouble; it is the very foundational truth that we all know and cling to. If Christ did not overcome the world, then all our praises and worship is for nought: Paul told the Corinthians this very thing: "And if Christ is not risen, your faith is futile" (1Cor15:17). If Christ did not overcome the world, then also nothing has changed, and our faith would indeed be futile; but the truth is that He did overcome, as my life and many others also testify. Why think that He might have when He has already done so before my very eyes?

Praise Be to the Lord Almighty! He is El Shaddai indeed!!!

Monday, July 31, 2006

Drawing Near

Today is the day that our band of brothers will begin a journey together. Today is the day when we shall draw near to our Lord. No longer will we be waiting in the fastness of complacency, nor beseiged in ignorance. We shall draw near to the God-Who-Seeks; we shall do our part too.

'let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.' - Hebrews 10:22 (NIV)

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Someone once told me...

j: i didn't know u like stars

me: oh i LOVE stars...
i used to try and find meaning in studying the universe. But like all intellectual pursuits,
meaning was just unattainable from understanding alone.
now i just love stars coz God made them.
hehehe

j: cool cool..
u know what i heard

me: wat

j: the sky is like a blanket God placed over the earth
and the stars are like the holes angels poked so they can watch over us
=)

me: hahaha nice...

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

SHOCK AND HORROR

I just had the shock of the century (well more like a shock of a fifth of the century)!!! It was horrible! No words can describe the feeling of utter remorse, total hopelessness, and raging anger all wrapped up in one and then imploding within the small enclosed space around my beating heart.......

I thought I've lost you...

Yes, indeed, I thought I lost my blog last night!!! You can "chey" all you like, but when your blog does not appear when you click go to www.blogger.com/home, you would feel like me as well! All those years of hard work (ok more like six months, but hey...), all those long nights slavering over the exact words and prose that I would lay down for the world to see, and to have it cruelly, suddenly, remorselessly, seemingly taken away is about the lowest blow I can handle... and I thought it was MY fault that it happened! I thought the great BLOGGER has gotten back at me for not updating regularly enough... as if to say "Hey J, you know that long neglected, dusty piece of cyberspace that you once upon a time visited in your own time when you feeling lonely...? Well seems like you don't need it anymore, so I, ah, took the liberty to start spring cleaning early. You wouldn't mind won't you?" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Shooting stars


Star bright star night
So far so bright,
One grain of sand
From start 'til end.
Distended extended
No pride intended,
Just humble old comet
Reaching out for the summit.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Month of June

It would seem as if I had a nice long break from blogging for the past month. Well, it wasn't, coz I was merely unable to log on. Blogger can be irritating at times (or it can be my internet connection, haiz). Then at other times, it would seem that the Beautiful Game had taken precedence... and eh dare I say rightly so! muhaha. Joga Bonito Brazil! (having ran away from my former position as an England supporter this year in utter disgust and horror over what Eriksen has (once-again) done to the most promising team England had produced in years!) So I guess its kinda fitting then that I update myself by saying what an incredible month this had been for me. To put it as any other way would be a total fabrication or conspiracy to mask the blessings I was gifted with. This month shall remain one of the longest months I have had in a very VERY long while. Surely I wont be able to note all the fundamental points that made this month great. So perhaps in point-form? Fitting as that would be given that June is the month of exams for most students, I shall refrain from this particular format and opt for a nice poem... wahaha.

Out of the ashes and into the storm
A Lone Phoenix arose, fiery wings drawn forth
To set alight to the darkness of a heathen world.

Neither has adversity hid its face
Nor the final embrace of Victory's bosom,
But alive is Hope, and God-willing brighter days to come.

Gone are the days of uncertainty,
Fled are the agents of deceit and lies,
The likes of which would leave
deprivation for darkness.

New alliances founded, old friends rekindled,
Reputation and fame
Infamity and shame,
The share of which have had.
Sheer heights of joy
And bitter pain of sorrow,
All had a place in this mystical time.

A time of rejuvenation,
A time for rebuilding,
A time to begin once again,
The phoenix arose out of dark waters,
Not just as it was in the movies. =P

Songs for the weary sang,
Music for the idle played,
Pined dreams fulfilled,
Good times rejoiced and shared.

Find rest in His lap did I
Focus came from many tries.
To walk as He have walked,
I shall take tomorrow as they come.


Ok that was atypically cryptic! I guess you can always just ask me how great June really was! wahaha. tata

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Star-maker

I especially love nebulae; apparently it would seem that it is in these great masses of dust and gas where new stars are born everyday. Creation continues, even as other stars die off... all of it is simply awe-inspiring. To see the physical embodiment of a star-making machine can probably be described as close to seeing the hand of God Himself shaping His Creation. Truly Awesome.

Sick...

Coughing like mad lately.... for some reason always sick when its our team's turn to lead worship; any other time I don't have such nonsense to deal with. Hmph, I wonder.... =P

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Have I told you lately...


Its being a while since my last picture post, so here it goes. I am not too sure about the name of this galaxy (probably not christened yet with a proper name other than a code). I love it anyways... Amazing stuff. =^)

Take some Joy for that headache...

Being lost in space is truly something to behold... I had the luxury of that experience over the past week i think. That is the only problem with being lost in space though; that is you never really know you are there until after you come back to the real world. I, grateful and humble in my previous privileged feeling of being out of the mundane and the tedious, have had my time basking in the indulgence of ignorance; now the stark yet benign reality of daily life pierces through my week-dream.

Despite it all seemingly being some ridiculous sense of estrangement from reality, a blissful whim of ignorance, I still revelled in it. The world seems so out-of-place, disjointed, artificial, that this dream-scape seems more real. It seems so hard to tell if what I saw, what I experienced in this episode, were flights of fantasy or a real improvement of well-being. Perhaps its a bit of both?

Truthfully, I shall never know, if that is the only thing that I do know.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Musings about a fruit tree

Outside my window there stands an fruit tree, now threadbare of leaves in the mid-autumn air. At times I would look up and out from my bed in the wee hours of mor'n and see bright light riding forth from the east, making long slender silhouettes that look like withered hands clawing desperately for the shroud of night to return. In the day it makes stark lines across the sky, slashing the stagnant blue into tiny fragments. Once a small bird rested upon one branch and chirped a tune in the afternoon breeze, a strange occurance indeed. I had looked at it from my desk, puzzled by the sound that usually comes in the morning. Then evening would come spilling on the wind, an ink-like stain that spreads from the west even as the light of day retreated, the slender fingers swaying in the wind. In the dead of night where sleeplessness reign, those dark lines would appear thicker yet softer in the starlight, and sometimes appear disjointed. It seems as if the branches are reaching into heaven itself, to wrestle starry gems from their resting places.

I could sit and look at this tree for hours, and it would never stop fascinating me. I wondered: this tree would have saw me when I was 13, newly arrived at a new house, unsure of the neighbourhood; it would have been amused at my effort in painting miniature models at 14; it would have watched me when I was 15, that day when I had stole away beneath it to examine my loot from a foray into the local shop; it would have laughed when I was 17 as I tried to clear possums from the gutter above my room; it would have... witnessed my first time in God's loving arms when I was 19 and alone in the dark room upon my bed; it would have observed my resolution at 20 to read the Word every night before I slept; it could be looking right now even as I am typing this at 21; indeed this tree has seen the shaping of me from boy to man (maybe). Scary thought, but yet somehow comforting and warm at the same time. This tree would know something about me, but to compare that with what God knows.... I guess if He has been here since Day One: how immeasurably more would He know about me?

Woah

Saturday, May 20, 2006

The Secret Place

A place of serene quietness,
secluded yet connected,
Not reckless but abandon.
None but Jesus.

Through this cul de sac,
Girt between mountains,
Misty vapour enshrouded,
A river of life is He,
Awash my soul with peace.

Over hazy pools of crystal,
Beneath mighty willows
Swaying ever so softly in
Gentle breeze of mor'n.

The sounds of waters
Does so sooth my soul,
A quiet yet comely song,
Easing sorrows ill-got.

It is here I come
In times of trouble,
The secret place, abide
Under the shadow of
The Almighty.

Psalm 91

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”

Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler
And from the perilous pestilence.

He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.

You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,

Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.

Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.

Because you have made the LORD, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,

No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;

For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.

In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.

“Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.

He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.”

NKJV

Monday, May 15, 2006

Its nice to be indoors.....

Who can stand the freezing cold these days? I was just taking a quiet stroll around the HOUSE and I couldn't think of anything else other than the COLD. Maybe its just got to do with the remoteness of my place, or the fact that my ceiling reaches about 4-5 meters high at places in my house... but still...

Yup these days I am just glad that I can stay indoors.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Back from the Dead (Online at least...)

Yup i am back from being lostinspace somewhere in the vast but not infinite reaches of my mind. Only God holds the record for having an infinite mind i think.... yes, anyways, just to pop a message here to let my readers (if indeed there are any =P) know that i am indeed still alive and havent being wrestled away to be with my maker. Ahem. Though that would be GOOD, for me and maybe for some others (!!!), i do intend to stay, for the time being anyways. This is coz i know there is some things that i need to do, and i have not made it through my entire journey yet.

Yes indeed i am on a journey. I am sure alot of you are also going through a journey of your own. Each of us walks a path, headed for some unseen destination, some of us hopeful, some of us wearied, some of us joyful, some of us want to die.

I see it as a great big desert, full of sand rippled by the fierce and roaring winds, sprawled out across the face of the earth beneath the faint lights of the stars. Apart from the shifting sands, nothing happens here that is new; it is a stagnant place, devoid of change, as it was when time began. Not even the light of the stars reach this place: darkness reigns supreme, thick and choking, as if like a dark cloak drawn over the whole landscape. Even as our minds' eyes fly across this vast expanse of emptyness, loneliness and helplessness consumes our souls. To traverse its barren, desolate face is akin to walking over an emotional, mental and physical drain.

Yet there exists amid this blank landscape one small place reserved as though separated. There at the edges of this place the desert sands hold no dominion, giving way to long swaying grass and Trees growing as high as the tall towers of Babylon. Here the quiet, gentle waters of a vast Oasis sustains life; there is seldom a day that goes by here that is exactly the same as the preceding day. A Great King reigns over this paradise, and all within revere him.

Selah

Call it Eden, Canaan, the Promised Land, whatever you would like, but it does not change the fact that it is indeed the one and only place that anyone would want to be in. Mankind like dust motes arise in the sands, born into the still darkness of this vast desert, each blind like the other, at first tripping over each other, but after a while tripping over only on sand, as each wanders apart from the other, unable to see. Each has something within their hearts that tells them of better things, of the Oasis, and the Trees, but each remain unable to see. Each of them wanders and cry out, in self-pity, in anguish, in anger, but nothing they do can make them see, for the darkness is thick and there is no light. Some grow used to this desolation, while some remain in auguish.

Then came one who was sent by the Great King, to gather up these wretched people of the sands. And he holds a torch and upon a stallion of no small stature rode out at great speed even as the darkness grow ever more thicker, so thick as to make the light from the torch seem small and powerless from the distance. Yet as the King's messenger draw near, each person can see ever more clearly, and behold the glorious light that the torch indeed shines forth. He leads them back to whence he came, one by one.

Each of our journeys is like that i am sure. Once we were lost, but now we are found. Where once was only darkness, now there is a light that none of us can ever fathom and can ever live without. Praise the Lord. Even those of us born into Christian homes must confess that at times their lives can seem like this barren desert that has no name. No one is at the Oasis yet, no one has made it there yet. But indeed, we are all on a journey; we are being led there even now, even as we trip upon sand, or trip upon each other. And in this desert, nothing exists that can stop us from getting there except for ourselves.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Laughing at the absurdity of my predicament

There is absolutely nothing that can ever hope to replace God in the life of a true Christian. One of the things I have always tried to do is be a true Christian and not make a bad name for God’s people. However, there are many things for which I am not proud of, things that I had done and continue to do, thoughts that should not be entertained been entertained, fantasies that should never be allowed to fester festered. And yet I wonder why God is not more powerful in my life! Absurd! Folly!

Not that God is not already powerful in my life; He is my ultimate source of strength, and He has done many great things. Like the old hymn sang: count your many blessings one by one, name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord hath done! He has indeed blessed me, and watched over me in all things that I do and do not do. No its not that God is powerless in my life; but rather He is restricted in my life. So long as I continue to live in sin and fail to turn my face fully to Jesus, to behold Him in all His majesty and to allow Him to be the only Lord of my life, then God shall never be who He truly can be.

Recently I have come once again to this realisation: that let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with God (1Cor 7:24). Wherever I am, whatever thing I am doing, abide in Him! Be married to God, and then God can come through in all things. Once my concentration is upon God, and once I have divorced myself from all other things, be it the rejoicing of the world, or the sadness of world, be it my education or my future aspirations; once I empty my mind to allow God to enter in, then all the limits of my life would truly be under the control and mastery of God. What, I hear you say, did I hear right? Did you just say you traded freedom of choice for being under the control of God? Yes, for that is the meaning of surrender. And who else would I trust my life upon? Who better than God? But what about choice? What about what YOU want? What about it? What choice have I made that ever was a wise one? I know my own heart, as I am sure you do too, that I have made no decision that has ever been beneficial to myself in the long run. Sure I got the high for the moment, sure I had money, and sure I had independence and freedom. But all of it is restricted by my own flesh; my own mortality and my own physical, mental, and emotional limits prevents me from attaining contentment, let alone happiness. I had relied on myself for fulfilment and have failed miserably countless times. I’d rather place my trust in the one who created all things; He at least knows what He is doing. Yes I shall surrender my all to God, for He is not limited as I, He has plans to prosper, never to harm. Let Him do with me as He wishes. (a much harder thing to do of course, but at least I am willing to try…)

All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live

All to Jesus I surrender
Humbly at His feet I bow
Worldly pleasures all forsaken
Take me, Jesus, take me now

I surrender all
I surrender all…

Saturday, April 22, 2006

One moment a thousand moments

Each step grew heavier, weariness took me, and for a moment I did not know where I was.

Looking back, I saw the distinct moment of the first lecture: the flurry of quick steps, the deafening roar of the amphitheatre filled with eager young faces, the books shuffling in my pack, the air smelling stale full of old seats. I saw myself looking out the Bailieu Library window watching the rain make patterns on the clear glass; a sliver of the cold somehow managed to creep back and touch me even under all those robes. I saw the clock in Union House that never works and could not help but chuckle. I saw the desk back in Giblin, and the dead air within that seemed to encase my senses. I saw the worship at Easter camp '04, when all in the world seem to be in exactly the right place at the right time. I saw... wires, amps, and mikes... I saw the gust of wind that nearly knocked me over but for the people standing by me, the Holy Spirit so strong. I saw in one moment a thousand moments, and my knees felt weak: has it really been three years only?

The Dean's voice echoed yet again, and the rapturous applause that followed seems to suddenly die almost as soon as it starts. Its din seems to fill the space and echo about. A mass of black cloth approached another mass of black cloth trimmed with gold rims and a square hat. Overhead the man loomed upon the wall, reaching through sculpted clouds for sculpted elightenment. I smiled at it, thinking of its symbolic absurdity. Then my name echoed in the air.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Born to make a choice

There are times when I still wonder about the meaning of being alive. Despite going through The Purpose Driven Life, and reading the Bible, and praying, and God knows how much more other things related to the meaning of life, sometimes I still cannot shake the feeling that I just don't know why I exist. Those are the times when I feel the most useless, or when I feel so depressed where everything that is happening to me seem insurmountable and horribly wrong. It is almost as if nothing in the world made sense, and I am reminded of the utter futility of existence in this universe.

Always, whenever such a time came upon me, I would remember what I have read in Ecclesiastes, that book of wisdom indeed! One line wrote:

"What profit hath a man of all his labour which he taketh under the sun? One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth for ever." - ch.1 v3-4.

Nothing that I could ever do will be lasting, nothing will come of it that is noteworthy enough to last; when I feel so down, I don't feel like doing anything at all, not even eating, and that's saying a lot. A world that is harsh, that is nothing but suffering and sadness, so much shit that we are walking knee-deep in it. What is wrong with this place? Why must people do this sort of thing to each other? Sometimes its difficult to even breathe, knowing that all that will do is lengthen my stay here.

What is the meaning of chasing after an education? Why look for a job? All things are so meaningless that Solomon had it right when he described it as chasing after the wind: it is utterly pointless.

But just as Solomon finally woke up from his confusion in writing book, I also finally woke up. Indeed life can seem pointless and meaningless, but only after I made a choice to have it so. I realised that things only became pointless when I allowed them to. And the point is once again God. I don't think it can get any more cliche, but the answer always always lies with God.

Indeed, all things find meaning when dedicated to Him, and that is what I do; I do it for God. I breathe my next breath for Him, I eat because He has seen to putting food on earth for all to partake with thanks, I find a job so that God can work through me into the workplace, I study to honour God had blessed me with the privilege, I smile because I know that God is there in it, I speak with others because I know God speaks through me.

As long as God is in me, He will always be with me, and He never leaves. Thus I am assured that nothing I do, nothing that happens, no circumstance nor blessing, is ever without meaning, because I already have found the answer in Him who calls, Him who is the all-in-all, the Alpha and the Omega. In Him I am assured that I was born with good reason, that is to make a choice. Follow Christ and believe, or walk the meaningless pointless path. It may not seem much of a choice, but all we have to do is look around and see how many people seem unable to decide, or walk in the latter, a fact that both puzzles me and saddens. I guess they really are under the spirit of stupor with eyes that cannot see, ears that cannot hear, as it was written (Romans 11:8). All the more reason for those who are not blinded and deaf to step into the gap!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

To all those who supported me...


~ Thanks guys and gals for your support and prayers! ~

The Fortunate Fool

"Let no man decieve himself. If any man among you seemth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise.

For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness.

And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain.

Therefor let no man glory in men."

1Cor 3:18-21 (KJV)


Thank God that He would rather me be a fool for God than wise!! I am a fool, the archetype of a imprudent man, reckless. My existence upon the world is marked time and time again by great acts of thoughtlessness. Take my word for it; if you had known me in my youth, when I was but a pup before Jesus found me, you would most certainly agree. Indeed, I am still a fool; many things I do though with good intentions, never seem to be done with any degree of wisdom.

Take for example a thing I did a long time ago: it was a moment in the dark, turbulent history from whence my person had been shaped, a night to remember even if I never wanted to. During the summer of my Eleventh year, when school was about to end, there is what's known as a traditional Muck-Up Day, usually played out to its frightfully chaotic conclusion by Twelth year students making the best of their last days of secondary education. I on the other hand, was just a junior compared with them, but most of my friends back then had been in Year 12. So there I was following them through in their plan to raid a sister school. The plan had been laid down two months beforehand, and all eight of us had a part in it.

Just a brief reprieve from the main narrative, a little background about my school and the types that I had generally gravitated towards. It is a local boy's college, Catholic, and generally very larrikin Austra'ian character. Although not a school famous for young punks and delinquents, there are still a very prevalent sub-culture of gangs and drug-users. My year level was by far the 'cleanest', but the year above mine was by far one of the worst (strange dynamic by any measure). In my final three years at this school, I had became embroiled in this sub-culture, and naturally gravitated towards these older guys who seem to share my mood and temperament. My school has an all-girls sister school also in the suburbs not far away (by the standards of suburban living: about 10 minutes drive away from my school).

Now the plan is in motion, and the long awaited day has come. Two car load of us went to the appointed place with the equipment. These included a crowbar (of sorts), meshwire cutter, and a bag of bricks. It was about mid-evening, about 8 or 9, and the road around the school was empty and quiet. I remember hearing a dog barking somewhere in the background, almost as if warning me not to go ahead. The air stung my eyes and nose from the sheer dryness and the days heat was rising from the asphalt pavement. All of us was still wearing our school uniform as we had not gone home - it was muck-up day.

We moved in two groups, the first carrying the stuff to break into the school grounds itself, and the second carried the bricks. What we were intending to do was not attempted before, nor ever had been attempted again (I don't mean to sound like we were so COOL in doing this, but that was the initial reason why we did it). I moved with the first group, and we cut through the meshwire fence with ease. We made a hole big enough for all of us to crawl through, and helped pull the bag of bricks in as well. Once again we set off for our objective; one of the larger computer labs at this school.

By now the last rays of sunlight were disappearing over the horizon, and the shadows grew long and thick. But we were all elated from the adreneline, and were shaking from the thrill of the 'mission'. We all felt like commandoes doing some covert op in foreign territory. We made our way through the school grounds quickly and quietly, without making too much noise, though we were excitedly whispering to each other and goading each other on. By the time we reached the computer lab, we were all so high on the adreneline, the pot that we were smoking, and the beer we were guzzling down, we all broke in the windows with our bricks instead of using the crowbar to force the door in. Instead of taking a few computers and replacing them with a brick as a joke (most things done during muck-up day were done in the name of a joke - though not always funny for everyone), we ended up trashing ALL the computers with the bricks. The extent of damage was later estimated to be in the tens of thousands of dollars.

We were there for an unknown amount of time, none of us could remember; all I can remember, is that one of us heard the siren of a police car from afar off, and shouting from outside the lab. We broke into a run, abandoning everything, and made for our cars. I saw no one, no security guard, no police, until we reached the hole in the fence where we broke in. I fled on foot, not wanting to get into the car, but some of my friends went in and were stopped by the police car not far down the road. One friend fled with me, his name shall be Mike just for the sake of privacy, and we ran as far as we could, before jumping into someone's yard and hiding amongst the bushes. We saw the police car go by once, and its only until it was close to midnight were we confident enough to venture back out onto the street. We found our way to another friend's house (one who did not participate) and bunked there for the night.

Mike and I did not find out that our friends had all been arrested and given a very harsh warning before being released until the next day at school. To this day, no authorities found out about me and Mike's role in all of this, and apparently my friends did not say our names either. Indeed, at the time we counted ourselves lucky, and thanked the friends for not dobbing us in, to which one of them said "What are you talking about, they never asked!". I know not how this should be so, but now I look back, all I could say is that there was a moment when God really did something for me, though I did not acknowledge Him, let alone gave Him gratitude.

So indeed, I was a fool. And still I am a fool, with one added difference: I am a fool for God, and as Adrian shared during Easter camp, let me be a fool for God all the days of my life.