No matter where I go, no matter what I encounter, the trials and tribulations, the heights of jubilation, one thing is for certain: that Love is forever and ever the same as always. Unchanging, undying...
Was reminded today where that love was expressed in its most violent, yet most awe-inspiring and yet at the same time beautiful moment known to many as Calvary. Sometimes, its really the simple things that holds the most value and meaning. Christ died, Christ has risen... We are saved, praise the Lord! With His blood He wiped clean all records of my sin, except that which exist in the Lucifer and in my own head. Sounds simple enough. Its good enough for God apparently, as He now has forgiven even me of all that I have done, as well as all that I will do in the future. But yet I still cannot get my head around it... still the same old me wallowing in the mudpit of sin of my own making, and blaming and cursing, and yelling and hitting myself, as if that might appease Him who has already been appeased. I hide from Him like a wanted fugitive, when all He wanted was to hug me and bring me out of that dark hole I dug for myself. Silly.
Get over yourself, I keep telling myself... Get over what you have done, I pleaded, to no avail, as I plunge head-long back into the mud from whence I had been lifted. Such sad self-infliction, almost masochistic if not for the fact that it gives me no pleasure. I am sick of it, sick of living this way. There are times when I think maybe He has forsaken me, maybe He grew sick of me wanting to go back to that pit of self-blame and self-denouncement... maybe He is sick of having to reach into that mud time and time again just to lift me back up.
But thank the Lord that He has come once again this morn'. Thank the Lord that He has not forsaken me. Thank the Lord that He will continue to do it again and again until the day when I can finally stand up and say "this mudpit is not for me, I have better things to do than to wallow about like a boar. Its BORING..."
Thank You for the Cross......
Sunday, August 27, 2006
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