Something about revival, and the continual, unfailing, undying love of God fills me with the most utmost disgust of myself; me, this wretched creature prone to bouts of sinfulness and rebellion, yet at the same time full of awe and love for this most wonderful and marvelous of saviours: the Saviour, Lord of lords, King of kings. I don't know how to put it exactly, but I do think that sometimes, I abuse the grace freely given to me, if ever there was a way fo abusing something that is supposed to be unlimited, covering everything. Sometimes, the thought of God withdrawing forever such a gift fills me with dread, and gives me cold sweat in the middle of the night, when my rebelling mind would come to rest and contemplate on the day's actions; evaluating oh ever so much more evaluation. I would come to the conclusion that God has limited patience, that He will eventually get so tired of rescuing me from myself that He would just give up and leave me to Satan.
But yet somehow, I also know that my God does not lose to the Devil. He does not 'give up' on anybody because to do so would mean He admits defeat at the hands of His own creation. No my God is all-powerful, and none who contends with Him shall succeed. No defeat in this case only occurs because I myself have given up; I myself have let myself down, not God. No matter how deep a downward spiral I go down, somehow this truth still stays afloat for me to see, and be reminded of the absolute love beyond all reason, the love that is all that I need. That love which caused the father to wait on the lost son day and night, without rest, without ever giving up hope of one day seeing him again. Each time this truth would light up even as I step into the most dire and most lowest and darkest part of my own private hell in my head; even when I am in Sheol, God's love penetrates, and lifts me up out of that darkness and into the light, just as Jonah was vomited out of the big fish.
Why would God do that? I have no clue...
I have indeed:
"Found love, beyond all reason..."
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